Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 596434 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29250 on:** April 07, 2021, 07:07:05 PM »

I asked my friend why has he stopped making jokes and puns about Trump after he was sacked from the White House.
He said he's Biden his time

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29251 on:** April 07, 2021, 07:20:56 PM »

I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest.
A friend asked, "Is it to scale?"
"No," I said. "It's to look at."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29252 on:** April 07, 2021, 07:37:25 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29253 on:** April 07, 2021, 08:04:00 PM »

A mate popped in, and we went to pickup our Pizza from the shop. His dash lights were dim, so he turned them on full, which lit up his face. Cops pulled us over, claim that he was using a phone, because he saw the light on his face. Neither of us was carrying a phone, and two cops just wasted 20 minutes searching his car for a non-existent phone.
Now our pizza is cold, dammit!

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #29254 on:** April 07, 2021, 08:07:31 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29255 on:** April 07, 2021, 10:38:43 PM »

My friend had sex with twins last night, I asked how he could tell them apart.

"Easy" he said..
.."Her brother has a moustache"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29256 on:** April 07, 2021, 11:29:04 PM »

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's, and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies just on one hand.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29257 on:** April 08, 2021, 03:51:59 AM »

My wife has informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.

To be fair, he was just a casual buddy until she told me.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29258 on:** April 08, 2021, 05:26:56 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29259 on:** April 08, 2021, 05:27:40 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29260 on:** April 08, 2021, 05:31:21 AM »

This young lad gets in the elevator. I'm standing by the buttons, so he says "fifth floor mate?"

When we get there I say "There you go, son" and he says "Don't call me son! You're not my dad!"

And I say "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29261 on:** April 08, 2021, 07:35:02 AM »

I looked at the edge today, and thought about jumping.

... but, nah! ... still prefer google.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29262 on:** April 08, 2021, 11:28:52 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29263 on:** April 08, 2021, 11:32:22 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29264 on:** April 08, 2021, 11:33:48 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29265 on:** April 08, 2021, 11:44:18 AM »

Just got word that my friend David, in Sandford, passed away last night. He was found this morning by his son. Apparently he was trying to change his oxygen bottle, and cross threaded the air line.
I only visited him a couple of weeks ago, and was planning to see him again on Saturday.

RIP my friend.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #29266 on:** April 08, 2021, 07:49:55 PM »

Really sorry to hear that, Kev...

Wild Rose · « **Reply #29267 on:** April 08, 2021, 08:15:53 PM »

RIP David

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29268 on:** April 09, 2021, 11:07:45 AM »

I told my mate that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it..

I said "Nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29269 on:** April 09, 2021, 11:14:12 AM »

Does the Pope pay his bills using PaPal?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29270 on:** April 09, 2021, 11:15:43 AM »

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything that you post on their website, maybe I should start uploading my bills.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29271 on:** April 09, 2021, 01:56:51 PM »

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money.
At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is
to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store.
He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29272 on:** April 09, 2021, 02:08:09 PM »

I was chatting to my mate from Dandenong.

Me: "So what have you got your kids for Christmas?"

Him: "I got the youngest one a trampoline, and the other two a pushbike each that I found on the internet."

Me: "What website were they on?"

Him: "Google Earth Street View."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29273 on:** April 09, 2021, 02:16:21 PM »

Just had an automated message on my cell phone from 'Amazon', some blurb about renewing my Amazon subscription service for $99.95 for the next twelve months, just verify your credit card etc etc ...

Fail on two counts, Don't have an Amazon subscription, and don't have a credit card.

Number used was 0428967596 - Number is not on record at Reverse Phone Lookup.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #29274 on:** April 09, 2021, 02:19:40 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 596434 times)