The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.
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I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".
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They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
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I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.....
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I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it.
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I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.
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I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!
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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
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A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
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My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
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I start a new job in Seoul next week.. I thought it was a good Korea move.
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I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
