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1
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
2
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
3
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me !
4
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful,  agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm
running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad
just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm
sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

Yep," said the dad, nodding, ... "and cheap ones too!"
5
For the ladies...

One day her housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt,
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to her,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " Monash University .."

And they say blondes are dumb..
6
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,
I put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favour?

Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
7
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then,
my sweet, we can marry and set up house keeping, in your castle with my mother, where you can
prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself with a smug look on her face:

“I don't effing think so”
8
Mick and Murphy are reading head stones at a cemetery near the roadside.
Mick say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was 141 !!"
Murphy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles,  from London !"
9
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
10
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion, it was a death trap!
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