Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3070930 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32525 on:** June 10, 2021, 07:44:30 AM »

what's the difference between a crack head and a pot head?

If a crackhead overdoses you find them dead in the gutter, if pothead overdoses you find them asleep in the fridge.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32526 on:** June 10, 2021, 07:46:15 AM »

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.

“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”

“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” asks the inspector.
“He thought he was having his picture taken.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32527 on:** June 10, 2021, 07:48:11 AM »

His girlfriend wanted to be treated like a princess for her birthday.

So he took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32528 on:** June 10, 2021, 07:57:20 AM »

Still cold here, 11 degrees at 8am, but with wind chill, it's only 2 degrees

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32529 on:** June 10, 2021, 07:57:41 AM »

A woman visits the doctor because she’s been suffering from some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After he finishes examining her, the doctor comes out to see her and says, “Well, I hope you like changing diapers.”

The woman replies, “Oh my God! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

The doctor says, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32530 on:** June 10, 2021, 08:01:52 AM »

A grenade and an ex wife are quite similar, in that you pull off the ring and your house is gone.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32531 on:** June 10, 2021, 08:09:14 AM »

Stephen Hawking walked into a bar…

Just kidding.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32532 on:** June 10, 2021, 08:12:22 AM »

The Wall was the last greatest hit by Pink Floyd.

... and Princess Diana.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32533 on:** June 10, 2021, 09:43:40 AM »

My girlfriend’s parents are very religious.

The first time I was at their house, her Mom told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.

It was a bit of a shame – she was very attractive.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32534 on:** June 10, 2021, 09:48:06 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32535 on:** June 10, 2021, 10:00:56 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32536 on:** June 10, 2021, 10:10:18 AM »

Toy trains are like boobs.

Both are made for kids, but dad is the one who gets the most out of them.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32537 on:** June 10, 2021, 10:10:42 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32538 on:** June 10, 2021, 10:11:17 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32539 on:** June 10, 2021, 10:16:04 AM »

What’s brown and lives in the attic?

The diarrhea of Anne Frank.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32540 on:** June 10, 2021, 10:18:52 AM »

I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka, gin and whisky.
I put them in the elevator and sent them to the top floor.

I didn’t have a good reason.

I just needed something to lift my spirits.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32541 on:** June 10, 2021, 10:23:12 AM »

Sneakers are a ninja’s favourite type of footwear.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32542 on:** June 10, 2021, 10:39:20 AM »

A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel.

This went on for nearly five years.

Even though they never spoke, every day he'd leave fifty cents, they'd make eye contact, and she would nod her gratitude as he walked away without a pretzel.

Finally one day, as the lawyer passed her stand and laid down his two quarters, the pretzel woman spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are my best customer, but you need to know something.
The price of pretzels has gone up to seventy-five cents."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32543 on:** June 10, 2021, 10:49:48 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32544 on:** June 10, 2021, 11:36:43 AM »

For all Eastern Vic members who are isolated by flooding, power outages, road closures and downed trees.
Please take care and stay safe.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32545 on:** June 10, 2021, 11:49:38 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32546 on:** June 10, 2021, 02:18:26 PM »

My four year old daughter came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said,
"Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?"

"No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that monster under your bed follow you into my room."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32547 on:** June 10, 2021, 02:21:20 PM »

I tried to network around, and create a group of guys with similar taste and do activities together.
But for some reason, the prosecuting lawyer and media keep mentioning it as a ring.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32548 on:** June 10, 2021, 02:23:42 PM »

At dinner with friends and family, Johnny was asked to say the prayer.

"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.

"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbours, the poor, etc...", said his father.

"Okay", the boy said.

"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbour's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work. AMEN!*"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32549 on:** June 10, 2021, 02:42:59 PM »

I write songs about sewing machines.

I’m a Singer songwriter.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3070930 times)