Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

I scored a job as a human cannonball.

They fired me immediately.

[Kev Murphy]

The thing I disliked most about my ex, was her 'eyes'




"I want this, I want that......"

[Kev Murphy]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding.
“But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain.”
“Be quiet,” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, sir, I just wanted to say—“
“I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”
“I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom.”

[Kev Murphy]

There's a new movie called Constipation.

It's not out yet.

[Kev Murphy]

Two mailmen were out doing their rounds and met each other on a street corner.
They talk for a couple minutes then the first mailman sees a snail on the sidewalk so he stomps on it, crushing it.
The second mailman said "Why did you do that?"
The first replies "That damn thing has been following me around all day!"

[Kev Murphy]

A flat Earther dies while trying to fly in a homemade rocket and goes to heaven.
There he meets up with God and says, "Oh Supreme Lord!! Tell me with utmost honesty. Is Earth round or flat? "

God replies, "It is round, my dear child."

The flat earther thinks, " Wow ! This BS thing goes much higher than I thought!"

[Kev Murphy]

A man is standing naked on a street corner.
A cop walks up and tells him "Sir you can't be doing that here?
-Unless you have a good excuse, I am going to lock you up!"

"Yes Sir I have a good excuse. I was at my girlfriend's apartment... we started drinking... next thing you know she jumps up and says... "Lets get naked and go to town!
- I guess I beat her here."

[Kev Murphy]

A little old lady calls the fire department and says, "Help! come right away, my house is on fire!"
The dispatcher says "Okay ma'am, how do we get there?"
The little old lady replies, "Don't ya'll still have that red truck?"

[Kev Murphy]

Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.
In Ireland they have begun rationing health care services, and in some cases they have waiting lists for services just to reduce costs even more.
In fact, they now have a fourteen month waiting list for abortions.

[Kev Murphy]

There was a man once who was named "Odd"
He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him.

When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name, and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish and put up a blank headstone.

When people were passing by his grave, they would look at his blank headstone and say - "Hmmm. That's Odd".

[Kev Murphy]

My horse likes arts and crafts.

He's a hobby horse.

[Kev Murphy]

A priest was preaching one Sunday.
"The sermon that I'm going to preach today is about honesty"

Everyone nodded.

"Before I begin, I would like all those who have read Matthew chapter 29 verse 15 to raise their hands"

More than half the people raised their hand.

"That is very unfortunate to see, as there are only 28 chapters in the book of Matthew"

[Kev Murphy]

Last year was so bad, that this year, most of us are waiting in line to get shot.

[Kev Murphy]

They say honesty is the best policy.
However, if you don't have the ability to lie when needed, you are a liability.

[Kev Murphy]

If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate.

And the other Duplikate.

[Kev Murphy]

Just got an enterprising scam mail to start the day, arrived two minutes ago.

According to an email from the Federal Government, endorsed by ScoMo himself, I am entitled to a one-off tax-free rebate from my non-existent Super fund to the value of $8000. All I need to do is supply my bank details.

Email received from the Australian Federal Government Office, at the National institute of Technology in Jalandhar, India.

Sure is a long way offshore for the office?



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[Kev Murphy]

My parents always say honesty is the best policy.
So I told my my mum I was going clubbing with friends last night.
I don’t get why she’s so upset with me, we only bludgeoned the one guy before the cops came.

[Kev Murphy]

Two Africans and an Englishman are caught jaywalking in the U.S...
The police let the two Africans off with a warning.
Then they pull their guns on the Englishman and shoot him four times, even though his hands are up in surrender.

"Well, so much for stereotypes!" says the first South African.

"Was that sarcasm?" says the second. "He was the only one of us who was black...?"

[Kev Murphy]