Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3059831 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32650 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:08:02 PM »

Plants use photosynthesis because they enjoy a light snack.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32651 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:09:33 PM »

I asked my Grandpa. "What were your good old days".
He said...
"They were the days before I was good and before I was old"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32652 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:11:03 PM »

North Korea can't it be more like South Korea because North Korea has no Seoul.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32653 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:14:42 PM »

My son puked all over the bar on his 18th yesterday.

But then again, 18 shots of tequila is a bit much for a 7 year old.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32654 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:20:33 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32655 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:23:49 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32656 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:33:08 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32657 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:45:27 PM »

An elderly man was out for a leisurely walk in the park one day, when he came upon a morbidly obese kid sitting on a park bench.

The kid was steadily shoveling candy in his mouth and washing it down with soda. There was a huge pile of candy wrappers on the ground around him.

The old man said “My God son! You can’t keep eating like that, how old are you kid?”

The kid swallowed his candy and looked up at the old man and said “I’m 12 years old!”

The old man said “Well if you keep eating and drinking that crap, you probably won’t make it to 20 years old before you have a heart attack!”

The kid said “Well, my grandfather lived to be 116 years old.”

The old man said “Well I bet he didn’t live that long by eating candy and drinking soda all day!”

The kid said “No, but he knew how to mind his own freaking business!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32658 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:46:47 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32659 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:51:26 PM »

She dimmed the lights. She put her hand on my forehead, She leaned in close. She looked straight into my eyes.
So I kissed her.

And now I am arrested for misbehaving with the optician?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32660 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:53:29 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32661 on:** June 12, 2021, 06:58:00 PM »

My cat is an environmentalist. She is terrified of plastic bags.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32662 on:** June 12, 2021, 07:00:36 PM »

Iranians and Americans have similar thoughts.

They both hate the US government.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32663 on:** June 12, 2021, 07:05:42 PM »

A stripper and a rock are similar, in that you skip the flat ones.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32664 on:** June 12, 2021, 08:18:48 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32665 on:** June 12, 2021, 08:20:50 PM »

Last summer I met with a botanist friend of mine who was keen to show me his private collection of rare tree and plant species. I wasn’t particularly interested but I went along anyway because he was really excited to show me the newest addition to his collection.

“It’s a unique species of oak tree, with only a few still alive in the world today.” He told me. Apparently you have to keep them indoors because in the 1800s some botanist called Edward Nooj discovered that their inability to cope with harsh weather conditions could lead to their extinction. My friend kept his in an enclosed chamber with special UV lamps and imported soil.

“Surely they must have be able to grow out in the weather if they lived for hundreds of years before this Nooj guy came along” I said to him, to which he replied, “Well yes I’m sure that back then they flourished, but these days there’s certainly no Nooj Oaks under the sun.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32666 on:** June 12, 2021, 08:29:47 PM »

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32667 on:** June 12, 2021, 08:39:41 PM »

I hate insomnia.

On the bright side, it's only another 17 more sleeps until Christmas.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32668 on:** June 12, 2021, 08:43:32 PM »

Suit yourself, idiot! (Pun intended)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32669 on:** June 12, 2021, 09:18:36 PM »

A hundred year old couple enters a lawyers office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce.
The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they've been married for.
"79 long years!" the woman replies.
The man adds that they've been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.

The lawyer is a bit shocked, and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.

The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says "Well...we just thought we should wait till the kids were dead."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32670 on:** June 12, 2021, 09:58:40 PM »

Yesterday I was having a talk with my friend and he said, "I had a terrible row with my wife last night.
But she crawled to me on her knees in the end."
Half shocked and half impressed I said, "Wow – that’s really impressive! What did she say?!"

My friend shrugged and replied, "Come out from under that sofa, you filthy coward!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32671 on:** June 12, 2021, 10:13:34 PM »

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32672 on:** June 12, 2021, 10:15:27 PM »

A poor boy enters the bakery begging for money.
An old lady goes ahead and buys him a piece of cake, which he devours.
After that the old lady asks "Boy, what is your name?"
"John", he replies.
"I just gave you a delicious cake. Do you know what you have to say to me?"
"Yes", the boy answers, "Give me another".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32673 on:** June 12, 2021, 10:47:46 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32674 on:** June 13, 2021, 01:20:28 AM »

Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something
Son under his breath: I bet I’m adopted

Dad: You were ado...

Dad dies

Son: Knew it

Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby

Dad dies

Son: Awww, thats so sweet

Dad wakes up: That’s why we adopted you

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3059831 times)