Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3075410 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32675 on:** June 13, 2021, 01:22:01 AM »

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado
Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain".

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32676 on:** June 13, 2021, 01:28:24 AM »

Today I dialled a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”…
They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.”
I said, “I’ll wait.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32677 on:** June 13, 2021, 01:30:46 AM »

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed the devil himself...

my wife rushed through the room and shouted, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32678 on:** June 13, 2021, 01:36:20 AM »

I found out that you can hear the blood flowing through your veins.

You just have to listen varicosely.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32679 on:** June 13, 2021, 01:49:16 AM »

The 3 rules of plumbing

Friday is Payday

Shit flows downhill

Don't chew your fingernails

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32680 on:** June 13, 2021, 01:57:26 AM »

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year
when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippo critical.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32681 on:** June 13, 2021, 07:12:43 AM »

Michael Jackson was a terrible chess player.

Couldn't decide if he was black or white.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32682 on:** June 13, 2021, 07:14:54 AM »

My Grandfather always said, "As one door closes, another one opens."

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32683 on:** June 13, 2021, 07:15:59 AM »

It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,
then die at the end because of their bad driving.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32684 on:** June 13, 2021, 07:18:52 AM »

I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the crap out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last October.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32685 on:** June 13, 2021, 07:24:01 AM »

A guy tried to light a fart, it didn't go well.

He had to go to the doctor with Turd Degree Burns.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32686 on:** June 13, 2021, 07:29:37 AM »

I said to my wife,

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex "

she said

"at least it'll be quick".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32687 on:** June 13, 2021, 07:31:44 AM »

An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house...
Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket...
And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a .... oh yeah, never mind"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32688 on:** June 13, 2021, 07:37:14 AM »

I gave this homeless guy $5, and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs.

So I confronted him, and asked where I could get drugs for $5.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32689 on:** June 13, 2021, 07:40:52 AM »

A gun and a bag of crisps cause a similar reaction when you pull them out in class.

Suddenly, everyone wants to be your friend.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32690 on:** June 13, 2021, 07:44:00 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32691 on:** June 13, 2021, 11:18:51 AM »

The difference between a 21 year-old American and European.

An American on their 21st birthday: Wow! I can finally drink!

A European on their 21st birthday: Wo-w-wow! I really ought to cut back on my drinking!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32692 on:** June 13, 2021, 11:20:10 AM »

The 50-year-old woman phoned up her 60-year-old husband........
“Darling, it’s a miracle, the doctor says I’m pregnant, isn’t that wonderful? You’re going to be a father.”

“That’s great!” replied the husband. “Er ..., by the way, who is this?”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32693 on:** June 13, 2021, 11:23:43 AM »

Hannah and Max are talking during recess...

Max finds Hannah really pretty.
Thinking he's old enough for a girlfriend, he decides to try to flirt with Hannah.

"I just remembered, I had a dream about you last night!", (Max did not, in fact, have a dream about Hannah last night.)

"Oh, really? Was it a nice dream?", says Hannah, clearly flattered.

Max starts to panic. "Uh, I can't remember, I slept through it!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32694 on:** June 13, 2021, 11:32:07 AM »

If 2020 was a math problem.

You are flying over the desert at 178 KPH, You are flying Due north with the wind coming from the west at 43 KPH. The tidal current is flowing at 36 knots due east. How many 17 lb watermelons will fill a football stadium during the full moon on a Friday night in July during a thunderstorm?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32695 on:** June 13, 2021, 11:40:47 AM »

It seems pointless that Channel 9 continues to broadcast 'A Current Affair', when eastern Victoria has all these power outages over the past few days. No power, no current, no tv, right?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32696 on:** June 13, 2021, 11:49:06 AM »

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 33.
His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal.
"Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take," Said Lars. "If She Dies...She Dies."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32697 on:** June 13, 2021, 11:57:01 AM »

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...

Some suspect that it might be a pundemic.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32698 on:** June 13, 2021, 11:59:15 AM »

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.

Trump says it’s done, and they all cheer in the dark.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32699 on:** June 13, 2021, 12:03:38 PM »

The Flat Earth Society reports that social distancing rules have pushed some members over the edge.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3075410 times)