Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3024810 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32775 on:** June 14, 2021, 09:45:29 PM »

A hardware store got robbed by 3 guys. All they took was 10 metres of rope...

Police have searched for them all over. Looks like they may have skipped town.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32776 on:** June 14, 2021, 09:50:10 PM »

Chuck Norris was signing an autograph for a little boy.

"How old are you, boy?"

"I'm 6 years old"

Chuck Norris said, "When I was your age, I was 9."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32777 on:** June 14, 2021, 10:02:29 PM »

My wife just left me. She says my life revolves around football, and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32778 on:** June 14, 2021, 10:19:50 PM »

My father committed suicide a few years ago.

He hung himself.. but there is an upside - He went out swinging!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32779 on:** June 14, 2021, 10:23:48 PM »

I always thought it'd be fun to be a Hare Krishna?

Unfortunately, I never got the chants.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32780 on:** June 14, 2021, 10:28:19 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32781 on:** June 14, 2021, 10:29:26 PM »

When you get bored at work...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32782 on:** June 14, 2021, 10:33:52 PM »

What’s the difference between Trump and the Hindenburg?

One is a flaming Nazi gasbag and the other is a zeppelin.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32783 on:** June 14, 2021, 10:35:31 PM »

A farmer has successfully grown a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately, he now has a problem with squatters

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32784 on:** June 14, 2021, 10:37:38 PM »

Corona beer sales have plummeted, just because of the name similarity.

Which I don't get because when O.J killed his wife, nobody stopped drinking orange juice?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32785 on:** June 14, 2021, 10:46:46 PM »

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."

"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32786 on:** June 14, 2021, 10:56:21 PM »

Anybody tried those new Italian tyres yet?

Dago thru sand, dago through mud, dago on bitumen, and when dago flat,

Dago ... WOP! WOP! WOP! WOP! WOP!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32787 on:** June 15, 2021, 12:44:10 AM »

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32788 on:** June 15, 2021, 12:48:35 AM »

If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser.

But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything else to do all day.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32789 on:** June 15, 2021, 01:06:33 AM »

I had been having trouble seeing while driving, so I went to my eye doctor, who happens to be Asian.
He did the usual things, the eye charts, peering into my eyes, glaucoma test, etc.
Finally, he sat back and said, "I know why you have trouble seeing while driving. You have a cataract."

"Bad guess, doc," I replied. "I have a Chevrolet."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32790 on:** June 15, 2021, 01:14:30 AM »

Paid online surveys for the past fortnight. Not too bad, every two months at this rate pays 1 week rent.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32791 on:** June 15, 2021, 01:27:08 AM »

Turn the sound on, and watch this to the end.

https://9gag.com/gag/aq74Vvp?ref=ios.s.others

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32792 on:** June 15, 2021, 01:38:21 AM »

Say, WHUT???? Died 2 days ago on Sunday.
Corrected figures, leaving behind 38 wives, 89 children and 36 grandchildren.

Obviously didn't have a TV

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32793 on:** June 15, 2021, 02:16:07 AM »

Chuck Norris cut it with a piece of paper.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32794 on:** June 15, 2021, 03:48:45 AM »

There's a strip club across the street from the Mini Golf course.

I’m just trying to have a nice afternoon with my kids, and I look across the street and what do I see but a bunch of losers playing mini golf.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32795 on:** June 15, 2021, 03:56:57 AM »

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies.
They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

He walks up to the farmer and asks,

"Hey there, can you tell me what the next town is called, so my wife and I can find it on our map?"

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." the farmer says.

The man walks back to the car and gets in.

"Well honey, where do we go?" his wife asks.

"I don't know," the man says, "he doesn't speak English."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32796 on:** June 15, 2021, 04:03:53 AM »

God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians
He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. You are isolated, and the land is a desert. You will work every day and will get very little in return. It will be harsh, but you will be hardened by it. You will find it hard, but you will call it home.”

The Australians reply “This is so unfair, why do the Canadians get good land and prosperity and we only get the harsh land, the scraps!?”

He replies “They do. But I didn’t tell the Canadians about their neighbours.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32797 on:** June 15, 2021, 04:07:51 AM »

Some words sounding similar can be confusing. For example, Entropy and Atrophy.
Entropy is simply a measure of how much the energy of atoms and molecules become more spread out in a process and can be defined in terms of statistical probabilities, whereas Atrophy, is what you get if you win something.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32798 on:** June 15, 2021, 05:07:33 AM »

Who says Fyre Festival was a failure?
Instead of entertaining thousands of people it entertained millions.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32799 on:** June 15, 2021, 07:29:28 AM »

There was an Irish girl who spent her weekdays sowing her wild oats...

...and then went to mass on Sundays, praying for a crop failure.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3024810 times)