Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3077694 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32825 on:** June 15, 2021, 08:47:30 PM »

Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates.
I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.
But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens.
Told them it was an everything bagel.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32826 on:** June 15, 2021, 08:50:15 PM »

A guy goes into a grocery store.
He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:

"What are those?"

"Those are potatoes"

"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"

The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.

"What are those?"

"Those are plums..."

"Can I have a kilogram of plums all individually wrapped?"

The store keeper cusses under his breath and starts packing plums.

"... and what are those?!

"Those are poppy seeds, and they are NOT for sale!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32827 on:** June 15, 2021, 08:53:47 PM »

A plane is in the middle of severe turbulence.
The flight attendant comes to the main cabin and says: "Everyone, please take out your passports."

Everyone takes their passports out.

"Now please find the page where your picture is, and rip the page out."

Everyone rips the page out.

"Now roll up the paper, and shove it up your butt to make it easier to identify the bodies later."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32828 on:** June 15, 2021, 09:10:15 PM »

Started raining here again around 7pm. Not a lot, just steady. About 2mm, from the NNW

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32829 on:** June 15, 2021, 09:22:53 PM »

A middle aged lady has a medical check-up for the first time in her life.
When she arrives back home she tells her husband:

"For thirty years I thought those were orgasms, but it turns out I have asthma."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32830 on:** June 15, 2021, 09:30:10 PM »

I'm not saying my wife is stupid,

But she thought Remembrance Day was for people with Alzheimer's.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32831 on:** June 15, 2021, 10:25:01 PM »

I must remember to unload my bowels before midnight tonight.

I don't want to be carrying more of the same crap into another day.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32832 on:** June 15, 2021, 10:36:53 PM »

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge:
"I cant take it anymore, she's out going from bar to bar every night, until way past midnight"

The judge responds "What's she doing?"

The guy replied "Trying to find me!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32833 on:** June 15, 2021, 10:43:18 PM »

2019 Guinness world record...
Instant family, 19 puppies in one litter.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32834 on:** June 15, 2021, 10:54:17 PM »

Hear about the Roman emperor who had epilepsy?

Julius Seizure.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32835 on:** June 15, 2021, 10:55:22 PM »

I'm writing a book about all the things I really ought to do in my life.

It's my oughtobiography.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32836 on:** June 15, 2021, 10:56:42 PM »

I wish I was single for just one day of my life.

Cuz being single my whole life has been exhausting.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32837 on:** June 15, 2021, 11:08:52 PM »

MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month
Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld myself, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32838 on:** June 15, 2021, 11:18:39 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32839 on:** June 16, 2021, 12:38:02 AM »

A man was pouring coloured water every day on the streets of his town.

One day his neighbour called the police, because he was pouring suspicious liquids on the streets

When the police came they asked the man: "What are you pouring on the streets? "

The guy said: "I was pouring crocodile inhibitor fluids "

The officer said: "But - there are no crocodiles within a thousand km of here?"

The guy said "Effective, ain't it?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32840 on:** June 16, 2021, 12:40:17 AM »

My life is like a game of chess.

I dunno how to play chess.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32841 on:** June 16, 2021, 12:42:30 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32842 on:** June 16, 2021, 12:47:47 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32843 on:** June 16, 2021, 12:49:22 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32844 on:** June 16, 2021, 01:04:34 AM »

After his fitness workout, a guy with epilepsy always has a shake.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32845 on:** June 16, 2021, 01:12:16 AM »

As a Jew, I appreciate Jewish and holocaust jokes.

As a negro, I get a laugh from black racist jokes.

As a Caucasian, I enjoy the very few white jokes.

If only I was an Oompa Loompa, then I could enjoy Donald Trump Jokes.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32846 on:** June 16, 2021, 01:26:24 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32847 on:** June 16, 2021, 02:58:20 AM »

The rain continues from the North. 12mm since 7pm yesterday evening.
Looks like BOM missed the bus, as they claim that we will have less than 1mm today.
Casterton, 100km north from here has had 14mm so far, and 16mm at Halls Gap.

Edit...4am Rain has finally eased, and looks as tho it may be moving offshore.

Edit 5.30am. BOM must have their rain gauge under the veranda. They claim 6mm of rain, I emptied 14 mm from my rain gauge a short while ago.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32848 on:** June 16, 2021, 03:18:53 AM »

Don`t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste.
It guarantees whiteness within 14 days. False advertising.

My buddy Leroy tried it two months ago, but he is still black.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32849 on:** June 16, 2021, 03:23:09 AM »

Just had a very ScoMo- like bathroom visit.

A whole lot of hot air, and hardly anything of real substance.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3077694 times)