Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3056962 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32850 on: June 16, 2021, 03:29:30 AM »
I said, “I’m working late tonight so I won’t be home until about midnight”
My wife said, “That’s the fifth time this week. Are you cheating on me?”


I said, “Er .. no .. why would you think that?”


She said, “Because you’re a milkman!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32851 on: June 16, 2021, 03:34:50 AM »
It was the day of my anniversary, and I had forgotten to buy my wife a present.
In a panic, I told her that my gift was that I would cook her whatever she wanted for dinner.
She said she'd always wanted to try escargot, and she wanted me to go out and buy them.

So I went out and bought a bag of snails, but it was early in the evening so I thought I'd pop down to the pub for a few drinks first. However, I got a bit carried away and before I knew, it was midnight.

I quickly rushed home, got to the door, and in my drunken state I dropped the bag of snails all over the pathway.
Absolutely fuming, my wife opened the door after hearing all the commotion and said "What on Earth took you so long!?"
I looked down at the snails on the ground and shouted "Aww, come on guys! We're almost there!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32852 on: June 16, 2021, 03:38:12 AM »
All my life, my parents have told me NOT to open the basement door, but I got curious and disobeyed them.

What is that glowing ball in the sky, and why does it hurt my eyes?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32853 on: June 16, 2021, 03:45:50 AM »
Starting the car for the long trip back to the city after their visit, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend Dave.
"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Bill.
"The food was great, the booze was superb, and I really enjoyed screwing your wife."

Shortly after hitting the road, Thorn turned to Bill and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying Dave's wife!"

"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32854 on: June 16, 2021, 03:48:31 AM »
My Momma said  ... "Life is like a box of condoms..."


Runs out faster than you expect, and your mistakes will outlive you.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32855 on: June 16, 2021, 03:49:56 AM »
I’m absolutely disgusted with the state my life is in right now.


Victoria. I live in Victoria.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32856 on: June 16, 2021, 06:01:27 AM »
Police arrested scam artist John Young, who tricked people into buying some sort of substance which he himself described as an ‘elixir of immortality’.

Upon questioning, police discovered that John had been arrested and charged for the same felony five times previously, in 2004, 1996, 1923, 1869, and 1734.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32857 on: June 16, 2021, 07:26:37 AM »
Chinese Exports.

Everyone is always talking about how cheap and disposable Chinese exports are, and now that they’ve finally delivered worldwide something of substance, everyone is already sick of it...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32858 on: June 16, 2021, 07:29:49 AM »
My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby.
I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.
...

I considered putting money on the derby as well.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32859 on: June 16, 2021, 07:34:34 AM »
"Listen son, not everyone you meet in life is going to like you"

"Yeah I know that, but you're my parents"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32860 on: June 16, 2021, 08:02:14 AM »
It is year 2030
A 16 year old boy is in the bathroom and is in a process of opening an injection.
His mom suddenly opens the door and sees him injecting an unknown substance.
She watches it in horror, when son suddenly turns pale: 'Mom, no, le-let me explain. I-it's a he-heroin.'
'Oh thank God, I thought it was a vaccine' says mom with relief, and walks out of the bathroom.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32861 on: June 16, 2021, 08:26:17 AM »
I don't have any mental disorders.
My other personalities aren't so lucky.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32862 on: June 16, 2021, 08:46:55 AM »
A young man climbs to the summit of a mountain, in search of the great wiseman. Despite the snowy, unforgiving terrain and the biting chill if the wind, he makes it to the top. He sees an old Asian man, long flowing white beard and hair, deep in meditation and walks up to him. "Oh wise one! Please tell me how to find peace in such a troubled world!"

The old man stands up and says only one word, "Disarray", before walking away. The young man follows, "Please! I climbed all this way and I don't understand!

The old man pauses, and without looking at the young man repeats, "disarray", before walking away again.

The young man sits down, exhausted and frustrated. He begins pleading between sobs, "I don't understand! Please explain what that means! Is this a puzzle I need to solve?"

The old man stops again, looks at the young man and says, "No, a-you fool! It's a-fleezing out here. Come dis a-ray, and re can go inside and a-talk about dis!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32863 on: June 16, 2021, 08:51:04 AM »
A pot head, and a Syrian girl wearing jeans both suffer the same fate.

They both get stoned.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32864 on: June 16, 2021, 08:54:39 AM »
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...
He asks the bartender, "What the heck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Holy crap! How big are your cats!?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32865 on: June 16, 2021, 09:01:09 AM »
The commander of the Russian military academy gave a lecture on potential problems and military strategy.
At the end of the lecture he asked if there were any questions.
One of the officers stood up and asked: "Will there be a Third World War?" And will Russia take part in it? The general answered positively to both questions.
Another officer asked: "Who will be our enemy?" The general replied: "Everything indicates that it will be China."
All were shocked in the audience
The third officer added: "General, but we have only 150 million people compared to 1.5 billion Chinese. Do we have a chance to win, and indeed to survive?"
The general replied: - "Just think: in modern war, not the number of soldiers determines victory, but the quality and ability to use army capabilities. For example, in the Middle East, we have observed relatively recently several wars where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel has always won."

After a short pause, another officer, who was sitting in the back rows, asked: "Do we have enough Jews?"
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Online ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32866 on: June 16, 2021, 09:05:05 AM »
Just had a very ScoMo- like bathroom visit.

A whole lot of hot air, and hardly anything of real substance.

You need to eat more, Kev!  :rofl


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32867 on: June 16, 2021, 09:21:06 AM »
 :rofl Aww, I had a sausage roll yesterday, Russ! (Or maybe that was Monday?) :nahnah
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32868 on: June 16, 2021, 09:59:20 AM »
Imagine if Americans switched from Pounds to Kilograms overnight.

That would be mass confusion for them.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32869 on: June 16, 2021, 10:06:11 AM »
Blondes are constantly running out of ice, because they forgot the recipe.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32870 on: June 16, 2021, 10:23:46 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32871 on: June 16, 2021, 10:27:56 AM »
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town.
While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision.
He was eager to get to the injured parties, but couldn't get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a female dog.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32872 on: June 16, 2021, 10:37:27 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32873 on: June 16, 2021, 10:38:40 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32874 on: June 16, 2021, 10:40:21 AM »
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