Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3057663 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32875 on:** June 16, 2021, 10:43:13 AM »

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

Doctor: "We need to get these people to a hospital, now!"
Nurse: "What is it?"
Doctor: "It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32876 on:** June 16, 2021, 10:44:50 AM »

A counsellor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counsellor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The boy replied, "Obviously, you never had a mother?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32877 on:** June 16, 2021, 10:51:23 AM »

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides make a profile on a dating site.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life deep in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked with all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What's happening here?" she asks.

"Well, I've never been with a woman before." he says, "but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo... I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32878 on:** June 16, 2021, 10:57:16 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32879 on:** June 16, 2021, 11:05:22 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32880 on:** June 16, 2021, 11:48:18 AM »

From this mornings News.

Covid death toll in USA has reached 600,000, with more than 370 new cases of infection every day.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32881 on:** June 16, 2021, 12:10:50 PM »

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old.
What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32882 on:** June 16, 2021, 12:33:27 PM »

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!

The other billionaire scratches his chin. 'Yeah, that sounds... Kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?'

The guy replies: 'A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price.'

The other billionaire says: 'Sell him to me for two million?'

'No, what are you saying? Sell him? He's like family!'

'Three million!'

'I don't know, man... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!'

'Alright, five million!'

'Five million?.. Well, okay man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're friends'.

In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell.
As soon as he sees the other guy, he starts yelling:

'What THE HELL did you sell to me?? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my greenery and trees! There's elephant dung EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing, it's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die!
IT'S AWFUL, worst purchase in my life!'

The other billionaire looks at him and says:

'Well, man, I don't know what to say, but with that attitude, you'll never sell an elephant!'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32883 on:** June 16, 2021, 02:05:17 PM »

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy."

His friend replies, "What do you mean?"

"It's like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32884 on:** June 16, 2021, 04:23:35 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32885 on:** June 16, 2021, 04:24:58 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32886 on:** June 16, 2021, 04:59:26 PM »

Canada called.

Now they want a wall too.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32887 on:** June 16, 2021, 05:06:49 PM »

With all the confusion of moving between online learning and in-person learning, I lost my thesaurus.

I cannot find the words to describe how upset I am.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32888 on:** June 16, 2021, 06:20:08 PM »

When life gives you melons,

Get tested for dyslexia.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32889 on:** June 16, 2021, 06:21:33 PM »

One time I was in a hotel and I was trying to get something out of one of those vending machines where you pull the rod corresponding to your selection. It was stuck so I was pulling and pulling and pulling when my hand slipped off the knob. A very buxom young lady was walking past and my elbow accidentally made a hard contact with her breast.

I was a bit flustered and I said, "Oh! I am so sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me!"

She said, "Don't worry about it. And if the rest of you is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 248."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32890 on:** June 16, 2021, 07:20:36 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32891 on:** June 16, 2021, 08:06:51 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32892 on:** June 16, 2021, 08:07:40 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32893 on:** June 16, 2021, 08:09:23 PM »

Life is not a competition....

I mean, like, apart from grades, jobs, partners, wealth and status.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32894 on:** June 16, 2021, 08:36:55 PM »

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.

"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know something ... this is yesterday's flight."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32895 on:** June 16, 2021, 08:40:40 PM »

I hate that SEPTember, OCTOber, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.
Whoever stuffed this up should get stabbed.

However, if I recall, they did use to be the corresponding months. It was just that when Roman leaders Julius Caesar and Augustus came to power, the months of July(Julius) and August(Augustus) were added, thus throwing off the number on the calendar.

In conclusion: Good news though, whoever screwed this up, DID get stabbed.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32896 on:** June 16, 2021, 08:51:27 PM »

Timezones are so weird, it’s june 16 in Australia, june 15 in Canada

and still 1920 in America

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32897 on:** June 16, 2021, 09:00:12 PM »

In which regard is the USA better than Canada and Mexico?

The USA has much nicer neighbours than the other two countries.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32898 on:** June 16, 2021, 10:49:14 PM »

A Pittsburgh Man, Idaho Falls Man, and a Cleveland Man walk into a bar...
An Idaho Falls man, a Pittsburgh man, and a Cleveland man walk into a bar.

An atheist bartender asks the Idado Falls man what he's drinking.

"Water. The Idaho Falls man replies. "My God doesn't allow us to drink harmful substances."

The bartender replies, "God doesn't exist, but believe what you will."

The bartender turns to the Pittsburgh man and asks him what he's drinking.

"I prayed to God for a Steelers win and they won last week, so the tallest IC Light yinz got!" The Pittsburgh man drunkenly shouts.

"God doesn't exist," replies the bartender, "but believe what you will."

The bartender turns to the Cleveland man, who is watching the Browns play in overtime on the bar television and asks him what he's drinking.

"If there's a true God, the Browns will kick this game winning field goal and I'll buy the whole bar shots!" the Cleveland man replies.

As everyone watched, the Browns lined-up the kick, and Zane Gonzalez shanks the kick wide left.

"I told you God doesn't exist." The bartender exclaims.

"I suppose you're right." The Idaho Falls man says.

"Wow, you were right." The Pittsburgh man says.

Just then, God walks into the bar, pulls out a revolver, and shoots the Cleveland man in the head and says,
"No, I exist. I just hate Cleveland fans."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #32899 on:** June 16, 2021, 10:50:24 PM »

One day, this guy is at work at a factory that makes glue and whiteout. These two substances are stored in these large vats. One day, the guy falls into one of the vats. His supervisor comes to help and the two start a conversation:

Guy: I'm okay. I just fell into the vat of glue.

Supervisor: You actually fell into the vat of whiteout. See, it says so right there.

Guy: I stand corrected.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3057663 times)