Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3059877 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33075 on: June 20, 2021, 04:53:55 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33076 on: June 20, 2021, 04:55:23 AM »
I spent the whole day shopping for shrubs
Boy, am I bushed!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33077 on: June 20, 2021, 04:56:44 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33078 on: June 20, 2021, 07:13:06 AM »
Kids in Alabama draw the family tree with a circle...
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33079 on: June 20, 2021, 07:16:32 AM »
A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner for something amazing but also cheap
The owner says that he has a talking fox for only £20.
The man says "How ridiculous, foxes can't talk and even if they could why would you sell him so cheap?!"

While he's asking, a fox comes over, puts his paw on the desk as if to interrupt and says "Actually I can
talk! 
I've written 3 books and climbed up mount Everest for the 5th time yesterday".

The man astonished says "WOW! But why so cheap?"

To which the owner replies "I just can't take his lies anymore".
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33080 on: June 20, 2021, 07:20:15 AM »
There's no official training for garbagemen.

They are just expected to pick things up as they go along.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33081 on: June 20, 2021, 07:24:46 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33082 on: June 20, 2021, 11:41:23 AM »
Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt.

People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33083 on: June 20, 2021, 11:44:27 AM »
What was old is new
A man living in ancient Egypt had a great idea for a business: he would pay couriers to deliver messages professionally inscribed on stone slabs to people all over the kingdom. For a small fee, people could have an important message written down and sent anywhere on the Nile. It swiftly took off as people enjoyed sharing their thoughts.

The problem was, delivering stone slabs was becoming more expensive. As more and more people took advantage of his service, couriers began to charge more and more for carting around heavy stone blocks. Writing space was at a premium and scribes increase their rates per word with the growing popularity. He needed to reduce costs and decided to contact an acquaintance who lived in the lower kingdom.

"My friend,

I have come up with a most novel business venture. It is called slabbing, where you can have a message hand-crafted and delivered anywhere in the land! Send a slab, receive a slab, write a slab, anywhere in the kingdom! I wish to include you in this endeavour to share in these profits. Please slab your response with haste so that we may begin arrangements."

After paying the scribe and the courier, he waited eagerly for the response. As he lived in the upper delta region, it would take weeks, maybe even months, for a reply to come back. When the courier knocked at his door, he was giddy with excitement.

To this day, archaeologists are puzzled by a mural depicting a man being beaten to death with a stone slab inscribed with the letter "k."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33084 on: June 20, 2021, 11:51:25 AM »
I am officially a sex offender.

Every time I ask my wife for sex, she gets offended.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33085 on: June 20, 2021, 11:56:35 AM »
A Government official once went on a field trip to one of the small remote villages.

He asked, "What can the government do for you?
They replied: "We have a health centre, but there is no doctor."

He immediately picked up his phone and dialled a number, and in a very strong voice demanded:
“You guys send a doctor tomorrow!”

Then he asked: "Do you have other requirements?"

They replied: "Yes, we have no mobile phone coverage."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33086 on: June 20, 2021, 11:59:47 AM »
Walking past a pet shop, a sign said; ‘Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.’

He didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands, so he went into the shop and asked the assistant:
... ‘How Dutch is that moggie in the window?’.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33087 on: June 20, 2021, 12:03:49 PM »
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families.
Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day, and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33088 on: June 20, 2021, 12:49:57 PM »
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND "

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33089 on: June 20, 2021, 12:51:40 PM »
Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.

One asked the other, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm gunna be takin' a mob of 6000 cattle from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33090 on: June 20, 2021, 12:54:30 PM »
Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie boot's"?

He asked for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat. 

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's" off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said, "They're my brother's "Wellie's", my mom made me wear 'them.' 
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"
He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's"

She will be eligible for parole in three years.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33091 on: June 20, 2021, 12:59:56 PM »
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.

It's a Special Branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33092 on: June 20, 2021, 01:02:14 PM »
As reported in the newspaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year.
It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33093 on: June 20, 2021, 01:07:24 PM »
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep", he replied.  "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33094 on: June 20, 2021, 02:08:50 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33095 on: June 20, 2021, 02:10:26 PM »
A man walks into a shop in Soviet Russia.
He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33096 on: June 20, 2021, 02:16:26 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33097 on: June 20, 2021, 02:19:42 PM »
What she Really Means...

I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33098 on: June 20, 2021, 02:20:47 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33099 on: June 20, 2021, 02:22:31 PM »
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress ,a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry,  he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new golf bag
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