Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

A woman buys a new car
It comes with a voice activated radio that will play whatever music that the driver desires.
She decides to test it out while driving her new car home.

"Classical," she said.

The radio immediately starts playing Nocturne op.9 No.2.

"Country," she said as she turned left.

"Country roads, take me home..." the radio seems to be working perfectly.

Suddenly, a jaywalking kid jumps out from nowhere and runs in front of the car.

"Asshole!" The woman slams on the brakes and shouted angrily.

The radio starts playing one of Daniel Andrews Covid lockdown rants at max volume.

[Kev Murphy]

A man escapes from the Soviet Union
He visits his relative who has been living in West Germany and did quite well for himself. The relative takes him on a tour of town in his brand new Mercedes. The Soviet, not having seen a Mercedes in his life, asks him about the three pointed star hood ornament.

The relative decides to pull a prank on him. "this is used for aiming. You see, here in West Germany, we are allowed to take out pedestrians if they don't use the cross walk".

He decides to "demonstrate" how it works. He picks out a jaywalking pedestrian, presses the throttle full speed, pretends to be looking through the hood ornament, then tires screeching, swerves right near the pedestrian.

"Is this German engineering?" scoffs the Soviet. "Well that didn't work at all.
I had to open the door to get him!"

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers.

In all honesty, I didn't know she sold flowers.

[Kev Murphy]

My wife lied to me.

She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Deborah!

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

A truck load of Vick’s Vaporub overturned on the highway...

There was no congestion for up to 8 hours.

[Kev Murphy]

This old lady came to the bank I work at to withdraw $20.
I told her that for withdrawals less than $100, she has to use the atm.
So she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills instead.
It sucked but I counted it out, and handed her the cash.
She took $20, gave me $980, and said “Deposit this please”

[Kev Murphy]

Only another 19 hours before we see "some" easing of Vic. State restrictions.... until they think of another reason to slam the gates again.

[Kev Murphy]

If A is for Apple, and B is for Banana, then what is C for?

It's a powerful plastic explosive.

[Kev Murphy]

No one is shocked if a defibrillator fails.

[Kev Murphy]

A push-up bra is like a bag of crisps.

Once you open it, you realize it’s half-empty.

[Kev Murphy]

What did one Japanese man say to the other?

I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

[Kev Murphy]

Hamsters are like cigarettes.

They’re completely harmless until you put one in your mouth, and set it on fire.

[Kev Murphy]

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was either her, or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

[Kev Murphy]

Diamonds Look So Similar because they're all just carbon copies of each other.

[ruSTynutz]

Only another 19 hours before we see "some" easing of Vic. State restrictions.... until they think of another reason to slam the gates again.

Didn't they ease last night, kev? 

[Kev Murphy]

Yeah, sumpin like that Russ, you know I hate Mondays ....

[Kev Murphy]

All safe down your way Russ?

[Kev Murphy]

Today is 'bin day'

I have already bin for a short ride, bin to the bank, bin to get fuel at the servo, bin to the shop to get milk ...

[Kev Murphy]

.. and for the last couple of hours, I've bin back to bed for lack of anything better to do.

[Kev Murphy]

A laser beam is like a goldfish, neither of them can whistle.

[Kev Murphy]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.
"
A month later, the woman came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the owner's suite at no extra charge!".

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if we’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."


"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who stuffed up your hair?"

[Kev Murphy]

Rednecks are like American pit bulls.
They should just sedate those people, drop em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild.
Just be like, Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy.
Have one of your friends play the banjo -- it'll scare the hell out of them.

[Kev Murphy]

A man and a woman are getting married
Coming from very conservative families, they had been completely chaste, never having even seen each other naked.

The day before their wedding, the woman comes up to her fiancé and says "Honey, I've got something to tell you. I've been stuffing my bra, I'm actually very flat chested" and the groom surprised but fully accepting of this revelation says "I've got something to tell you as well. I have a baby penis"

The bride, obviously moved by his acceptance and honesty embraces him and they get ready for their wedding. It's an absolutely beautiful ceremony, held in a lovely garden.

Then that night, they get ready to consummate their marriage in their honeymoon suite.
The woman removes her bra, and she is flat as a board, really no breasts to speak of. The man removes his pants, and as he removes his underwear, out flops this WHALE of a weapon!. And the bride says "I thought you had a baby penis!"

And the groom goes "yeah, 8 pounds 7 ounces"