Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2921877 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32600 on: June 11, 2021, 11:18:09 PM »
It is known that masturbation eases congestion

"I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32601 on: June 11, 2021, 11:19:35 PM »
I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

I swear, that spider never saw it coming.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32602 on: June 11, 2021, 11:20:33 PM »
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…

And a pretty good spring and summer too.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32603 on: June 11, 2021, 11:36:03 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32604 on: June 11, 2021, 11:43:34 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32605 on: June 11, 2021, 11:48:02 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32606 on: June 11, 2021, 11:50:10 PM »
Sensei, I’ve been training for years, and I’m not getting any stronger. What’s going on?

“Have you seen the flock of cranes fly over the old mountain at sunrise?”

“Yes.”

“Have you seen the great lightning storms crack the sky before making way for a rainbow?”

“Yes.”

“Have you seen the fabled tiger as it hunts prey in the forest, quicker than the eye can see?”

“Yes, Sensei.”

“That’s the problem. You keep watching stupid shit instead of practicing!”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32607 on: June 11, 2021, 11:56:37 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32608 on: June 12, 2021, 12:29:46 AM »
I'm a terrible golfer.

Just like my fore fathers.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32609 on: June 12, 2021, 12:32:43 AM »
Mrs. Collins went to see her doctor.
When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He said: "Get undressed, Mrs. Collins, and lie down on the examining table."
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."
After a couple of minutes he asked: "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful !!!," she replied, "... But the discharge is from my ear."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32610 on: June 12, 2021, 12:35:57 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32611 on: June 12, 2021, 02:10:10 AM »
An Indian family was forced from their home in Colorado by a passing tornado, and tried to get temporary accommodation in a nearby hotel in Denver. They were refused because they didn't have a reservation.

So they flew home to Bhopal.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32612 on: June 12, 2021, 02:11:08 AM »
Yes, it's time to feed the cats again... They woke me 5 minutes ago.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32613 on: June 12, 2021, 02:16:27 AM »
2020's fashion scene was really terrible.

So many people with no taste.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32614 on: June 12, 2021, 05:14:11 AM »
A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" The man replies, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "Why do you think your wife is trying to poison you?" The man answers, repeating his suspicion: "I'm telling you, my wife is trying to poison me! What should I do??"

The Rabbi thinks for a minute, and then says--give me a week to get to the bottom of this, I'll call you back after I do. A week later, the Rabbi calls the man up and tells him: "well, I had a talk with your wife the other day. She was on the phone with me for 3 hours, non-stop... would you like my advice?"

The man says, "YES, PLEASE"... and the Rabbi answers, "take the poison."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32615 on: June 12, 2021, 05:16:41 AM »
A guy gets into a terrible car accident.

Late in the night he finally regains consciousness.
He finds himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering him.
She gives him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he hears her slowly say "I’m sorry but you may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32616 on: June 12, 2021, 05:19:55 AM »
I feel that next year is going to be as bad as last year.

Because 2022 is 2020, too
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32617 on: June 12, 2021, 05:21:12 AM »
My wife said, “Why don’t you stop with your bad jokes, and write a book instead?”

I said, “That’s .... a novel idea.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32618 on: June 12, 2021, 05:28:02 AM »
I was annoyed by so many people ringing my doorbell, so I disabled it.

Extremely satisfied with my new 'No Bell, Peace!'  Prize.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32619 on: June 12, 2021, 07:18:38 AM »
Americans have a terrible sense of humour.

I mean, their healthcare is a big joke, and most of them don't even get it.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32620 on: June 12, 2021, 07:24:57 AM »
In my lifetime, I’ve done some horrible things for money.

... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬
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Online Kev Murphy

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  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32621 on: June 12, 2021, 07:29:59 AM »
A man was praying to god for money and fame.

Another one comes and sneers at him, 'i always pray for honesty, modesty and other noble qualities in life'.

The man says 'One always asks for the things they don't have!'
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Online Kev Murphy

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  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32622 on: June 12, 2021, 07:32:16 AM »
What do you call the Kardashian family taking a swim in the ocean?

Plastic pollution.
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Online Kev Murphy

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  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32623 on: June 12, 2021, 07:37:57 AM »
Teacher: "What are the biggest causes of air pollution?"

Student 1: "Gases released from vehicles like trucks and cars."

Student 2: "Factories that release gases like Co2 from burning fuels."

Student 3: "There are more than 7 and a half BILLION people living on earth, so that's more than a TRILLION farts released to the atmosphere every year."
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Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
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  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #32624 on: June 12, 2021, 07:41:23 AM »
Its now 11 and a half years since I chose my favourite flavour of gum.


Retire-Mint
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