Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Sensei, I need your advice.
I wish to live to be 100 years old.

- Then get married.

Will that make me live to 100 years?

- No, But the wish will fade away.

Thank you great master for your immense wisdom.

[Kev Murphy]

A man goes to see a doctor about a gas problem he's been having for awhile.

The doctor asks, "what's the trouble"?

The man say, "Well, I have this *frrrrt* gas problem. I can't go *braaaap* 10 minutes without *pffffftttt* farting."

The Doctor gets up from behind his desk and says, "I think I know the problem here", as he walks to the wall and grabs a long wooden pole with a small metal hook on the end.

The man terrified asks, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT?"

The doctor replies, "Well first of all, I'm gonna open a window".

[Kev Murphy]

The invisible man and the invisible woman just had a son.

In all honesty, he's not much to look at.

[ruSTynutz]

All safe down your way Russ?

Sorry for the late reply, Kev...Yeah, all good at home, no worries re flooding. We lost power so had to make do with a camp stove etc. It was supposedly going to be off until Sunday sometime so we decided to bugger off for a few days R&R....
Of course after making arrangements the power came back on in the early hours of thursday night...lol.
Thankfully that has saved our tropical fish though as they were starting to die when the water got cold.
Fingers crossed it stays on while we're away... 

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Of all the aspects of Tiger Woods golf game,
Nobody ever faulted his driving until recently....

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Upon re-examination, ground-breaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction.

Traffic accidents.

Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

[Kev Murphy]

An elderly prospector accidentally swallowed a gold nugget.

I saw him digging through his faeces, and I asked him what he was doing?

He said he was mining his own business.

[Kev Murphy]

Before cyanobacteria, the progenitor of photosynthesis, earth was mostly oxygen-poor and dominated by anaerobic (can live in and thrive without oxygen) bacteria.

Most of these bacteria were strict anaerobes, meaning oxygen would kill them. After cyanobacteria evolved, earth became flooded with oxygen, which ultimately caused the extinction of most of the microorganisms living on earth at the time.

So it takes the load off just to know that humans are not the first organisms to screw over just about every other organism on this planet.

[Kev Murphy]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman.
"I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.

Are you having any bad side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

[Kev Murphy]

Buddy took his car to the mechanic, because it was making a horrible noise.

Mechanic removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

[Kev Murphy]

I’ve been researching my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a shocking dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

[Kev Murphy]

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "
The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

[Kev Murphy]

A man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated.
The doctor is very surprised at this. “Are you sure?!”

“Yes,” said the man. “I’ve thought about it, long and hard, and I’ve decided I want to do it.”

“But are you sure you’ve thought this through?!” the doctor continued. “This will have a huge impact on important aspects of your life in ways that can’t be reversed!”

“I’ve thought it through and you’re not going to change my mind,” the man said. “Now castrate me or I’ll find another doctor.”

Some time later, the surgery is performed. When walking down the hallway to his room one day, he of course has to spread his hips wide to protect the tender area. On the way, he meets another man who was walking in the same way as him.

“Have you had the same surgery I have?” he asked.

“Yes,” said the other man. “But it was worth it. I’ve always wanted to be circumcised.”

The first man yells, “BUGGA! THAT was the word!!”

[Kev Murphy]

A Jewish shopkeeper is educating his son.
"Ethics is the most important aspect of a business." he explains.

"What is ethics?" asks his son.

"Imagine that a client comes in and buys a $30 jacket, paying with a $100 bill.
As he leaves, I notice that he gave me two $100 bills that were stuck together."
"And now the ethics comes into consideration: Should I tell your mother or not?"

[Kev Murphy]

An elderly couple die in a car wreck and appear at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter greets them and invites them in.

He takes them to a nearby car lot and tells them to choose a car. The old man says, "I can't afford any of those cars." St. Peter tells him not to worry about it, because it's Heaven and the cars are there for his use...Ferrari, Bentley, Mercedes...any model, any colour, just swap them out whenever you feel like it.

They get into a Bentley and St. Peter takes them to their new home. Again, the old man is concerned about the expense and St. Peter reassures him.

Then St. Peter shows them their new country club. A beautiful facility with all the amenities. It's lunch time, so they go the buffet where all kinds of wonderful foods are laid out. When the man worries about the health aspect, St. Peter says, "This is Heaven, you are here for eternity and will never get fat or unhealthy.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "You and your damned bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago."

[Kev Murphy]

A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights
One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too.

'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?'

'Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off.

[Kev Murphy]

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out, because the driver was going way over the speed limit, and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and running red lights.

 "Just close your eyes" The driver said. "Trust me it helps, that's what I do"

[Kev Murphy]

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park
They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking.
They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dragging of the leg is clearly indicative of a hip dislocation caused by a defective surgery technique

- You know I always respect your opinion, but in this case I happen to recognise the tell-tale signs of the shooting pain going down the leg and causing that distinctive careful step

- I have seen many like this before. I'm telling you, that man has dislocated a hip after surgery...

And so on.


As the man reaches them, they decide to ask him:

- My dear sir, allow us to introduce ourselves. We are doctors and have found ourselves puzzled about your condition. My colleague here thinks you have sciatica and I firmly believe you had a hip dislocation following a hip replacement. Would you please be so kind to tell us which one of us is right?

"- Well, that makes three of us who got it wrong. I thought it was just a fart..."

[Kev Murphy]

Quite a few people across the road watching the football through the fence from outside.
Too tight to pay to go into the grounds?
Anyway, a shower of rain came and they all got back into their cars and left.
I guess they weren't that much into the game.

[Kev Murphy]

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

The postman.

The postman who?

Look, do you want this bloody package or not?

[Kev Murphy]

My wife told me I have a terrible sense of direction.

I said, “Where did that come from?"

I packed my gear and right.

[Kev Murphy]

What did North Koreans use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity