Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2921885 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33125 on: June 21, 2021, 01:27:42 AM »
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then,
my sweet, we can marry and set up house keeping, in your castle with my mother, where you can
prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself with a smug look on her face:

“I don't effing think so”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33126 on: June 21, 2021, 01:39:56 AM »
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table,
I put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, Since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
And I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favour?

Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33127 on: June 21, 2021, 01:44:28 AM »
For the ladies...

One day her housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt,
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to her,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " Monash University .."

And they say blondes are dumb..
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33128 on: June 21, 2021, 01:49:07 AM »
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful,  agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm
running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad
just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm
sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

Yep," said the dad, nodding, ... "and cheap ones too!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33129 on: June 21, 2021, 02:23:15 AM »
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me !
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33130 on: June 21, 2021, 02:28:22 AM »
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33131 on: June 21, 2021, 02:29:15 AM »
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33132 on: June 21, 2021, 04:16:16 AM »
Aliens decide to finally visit Earth…
They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"
r>“You mean JC?" responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing okay.”

Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize.

“Maybe he just likes our chocolate better than yours?"

The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yeah, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33133 on: June 21, 2021, 04:21:48 AM »
A lady goes in to see a psychiatrist...
Lady: "Doctor, I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
Doctor: "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
Lady: "How much for all night?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33134 on: June 21, 2021, 04:29:41 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33135 on: June 21, 2021, 04:31:55 AM »

I just got back from a pleasure trip.

I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33136 on: June 21, 2021, 04:33:10 AM »
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33137 on: June 21, 2021, 04:34:13 AM »
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!

If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33138 on: June 21, 2021, 04:36:19 AM »
A little old man hobbled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33139 on: June 21, 2021, 04:40:06 AM »
A man called his mother from the Gold Coast, "Mum, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
Mum replied, "Because I didn't want my mouth fulla food if you should call."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33140 on: June 21, 2021, 04:42:53 AM »
Why do divorces cost so much?

Because most times, they're worth it.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33141 on: June 21, 2021, 04:50:58 AM »
She was at the beauty shop for over two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33142 on: June 21, 2021, 04:52:09 AM »
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came  back. "

Mrs. Cohen answered, "Harumph! ... So did my arthritis!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33143 on: June 21, 2021, 05:07:18 AM »
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy:  "What do you do at  Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class:  "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve Brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then We come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door  And hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait  For Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said.  "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do At Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum And Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We Put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to  Leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen,

What do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes Home from the office.  We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we Drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the  Empty shelves... And begin to sing: “What A. Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas for a month .."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33144 on: June 21, 2021, 05:12:52 AM »
My wife told me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read any of it.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33145 on: June 21, 2021, 06:25:59 AM »
There are three Dolls in a man's life:

1........ His Daughter, 'Baby doll'

2.........His Girlfriend, 'Barbie doll'

3.........His Wife, 'Panadol' .
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33146 on: June 21, 2021, 06:29:27 AM »
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house!
Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears him continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.
Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, go see the fat controller kitchen bitch.'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33147 on: June 21, 2021, 06:37:07 AM »
An artist, a lawyer and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill that comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy.
Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife.
And I can spend all night on the computer!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33148 on: June 21, 2021, 06:38:14 AM »
This bloke was sitting in his attorney's office.
His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #33149 on: June 21, 2021, 06:39:52 AM »
WARNING to women:

The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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