Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

A person found a Purple Heart medal in a Goodwill store. He bought it, and tried to locate the family where it belonged so he could return it.

But I commented on it saying “Wow! You found a Purple Heart at Goodwill for $5? That’s a steal!
Normally those things cost an arm and a leg!”

[Kev Murphy]

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” (Except the 6-foot tall, three-eyed mouse, is real.)

[Kev Murphy]

Aww, gee! Email a few minutes ago that my 'Bank of America' account has been 'frosen' (?), and I will not be able to complete any 'Trans-acsions' (?) until I submit my details.

Obviously a seven year old scammer, maybe he should attend school more often.

[Kev Murphy]

Sunday is Mudders Day!
I told him to ride in front, but he said the Muthas wouldn't let him!!

[Kev Murphy]

I am really thankful that I wasn't born in North Korea.

Because I can't speak a single word of the language.

[Kev Murphy]

BEEP BEEP!

[Kev Murphy]

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for the football Grand Final this year.

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend.
Anyone up for taking this off his hands?

The girl's name is Catherine, and she's really a lovely person.

[Kev Murphy]

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh huh," said the old man.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"That's right," said the old man, "Except this time, I get to sit on the side of the bed, and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

[Kev Murphy]

The Dyslexia Research Trust in UK, is located in a town called Reading

[Kev Murphy]

There is terrible accident in ISS, leaving only one American astronaut alive. All the communications are dead, but he has lots of food, water and oxygen to survive. Finally after two years he is able to repair an escape pod, and lands in rural Texas.

He makes his way to closest town and enters the first bar, because he needs a beer and news.
He orders a beer from a bartender and asks what's happening around the world.

"Nothing much, peace everywhere and everyone is doing just great."

"Really? Is the war over in Syria too? "

"Yes, of course, our president did end that, like all the other wars."

"All wars? Also the one in Ukraine?"

"Yes, that was the very first war the president did end."

"Well, that sound great. Thanks for the news, how much is the beer?"

"30 roubles."

[Kev Murphy]

A recent study tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol had on walking…

The results were staggering…

[Kev Murphy]

Female motorcyclist friend once said to me:
"A word from the wise - never ride a motorcycle in a miniskirt. You think a wasp in the FACE is painful?"

[Kev Murphy]

If Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Armenia, Ukraine and Latvia get back together, you have a Soviet Reunion.

[Kev Murphy]

I heard Dreamworks next picture will be about ale drinking in the Middle Ages...

It's called "How to Drain Your Flagon"

[Kev Murphy]

I was Hungary so Iran to the store to get some Turkey, which I cooked in Greece, and served with a side of Chile, which I ate with my friends Jordan and Chad. Sudanly we had Togo because we were Ghana get in trouble because we didn’t Finnish paying. But I’ve Benin trouble before, there was Norway they were going to catch me, I Congo much faster than they can.

[Kev Murphy]

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.

**Teacher:** Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may".

**Student:** Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** No, you may not. The state cut education funding again.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Chinese mining companies and some catholic priests have similar goals.

Chinese mining companies get their minors stuck in shafts ...

[Kev Murphy]

The difference between Viagra and Donald Trump ... Viagra actually works !

[Kev Murphy]

A well-dressed man walks into a bar.
He takes a seat at the bar, and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

"I'd like a shot of 25-year-old scotch, neat."

The bartender was too lazy to go into the stockroom for 25-year-old scotch, and he figured the man wouldn't know the difference, so he poured a shot of 8-year-old scotch and set it before the man.

The man took one sip and said indignantly, "I did not ask for 8-year-old scotch, I asked for 25-year-old-scotch. Now please give me what I requested."

The bartender muttered to himself and still didn't want to fetch the older scotch, so he poured a shot of 15-year-old scotch and gave it to the man.

Again, the man took one sip and said, "I did not ask for 15-year-old scotch! Please give me 25-year-old scotch."

By now the bartender knew he couldn't fool the man, so he retrieved a bottle of 25-year-old scotch and poured the man a shot.

The man took a sip and said, "Now THAT is 25-year-old scotch."

By now everyone in the bar was watching the exchange, and they applauded the man for his discerning palate. Meanwhile, a drunk at the end of the bar peed into a shot glass, and handed it to the man, saying, "Here. Try this."

The man took a sip, spat it out and shouted, "My God! That's urine!"

The drunk said, "Good guess. Now tell me how old I am?"

[Kev Murphy]

Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also puts a message up on the screen on the dash telling anyone looking in that they are being recorded.

A person writes that they are Dutch, and had driven to Spain, where the cars are less common and a lot of people walk up to look. Those people were getting a message on the screen in Dutch, which they might not be able to understand.

So they suggested the message be put up in multiple languages.

Someone else suggested that the language used be selectable by the owner.

Someone else suggested that the language used be based on the GPS location of the car.

Someone else suggested that the Tesla neural networks do an analysis of an image of the face(s) of anyone looking in, discern their country of origin, and display the message in the language(s) most likely to be understood by that person.

Someone else pointed out that, if you just put "F*** Off!" on the screen, that usually works...

[Kev Murphy]

Religions are so different. Jews do not recognize Christ. Anglicans do not recognize the Pope.
And Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

[Kev Murphy]

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters...
so I bought 20 stamps...and the clerk just handed them to me.

I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"

...and she said "No. Stick one on each of the envelopes.."

[Kev Murphy]

I bumped into my old teacher the other day, and was sad when she didn't recognize me.

I was home schooled.

[Kev Murphy]

There are thousands of different mosquito species, and they all suck.