Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

Birds don't recognize each other in flight, because they are all in da skies.

[Kev Murphy]

Corona Virus has spread to a species of birds.
 
It now infects bat, man, and robin.

[Kev Murphy]

A man who recognizes his mistakes when wrong is wise.

A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is...

probably married.

[Kev Murphy]

Two childhood male friends recognized each other at their 40th high school reunion.
While they were reminiscing one asked the other..
"Hey, have you seen Alice Fortney yet?

"No, what's up with her?"

Holding his cupped hands chest high, about a foot in front of him he tells his friend, "My Lord she's about like this!"

Wide eyed, his friend replies, "Oh REALLY! You think she got implants?"

"No, no, no. Nothing like that. It's arthritis!"

[Brookester]

Hey Kev, why are you posting jokes in tbe Birthday Wishes thread???

[Kev Murphy]

oops! Thanks Brooke, will fix.

Cat walked over the keyboard and changed tabs.

[Kev Murphy]

A student recognized his old teacher from across the restaurant.
But when he approached her, she seemed shorter than he remembered.

"Hello Mrs. Brown, I think I've figured out why you look shorter than I remember you being," said the student.

"I'm not Mrs. Brown?" replied the woman.

"Ah good, you've figured it out, too."

[Kev Murphy]

After working long and hard for my PhD, people in my neighbourhood now finally recognize me as the Pizza hut Delivery guy.

[Kev Murphy]

An off duty soldier took a train.
When the train reached its first stop, a general walked in, and the soldier stood up.
The general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

The train reached its second stop. Again the soldier stood up, and the general once again said: 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

When the train reach its third stop, again the soldier stood up, the general said. 'You don't have to salute every time we reach a stop?'

The soldier replied:
'I want to get off, Sir. I missed my stop 2 stations ago.'

[Kev Murphy]

It was a dark, stormy, night.
The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, an amazing night, Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, It is the best, Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said “Sir, Damn good trade, Sir!”

[Kev Murphy]

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hot dogs?

[Kev Murphy]

A karate champion joined the army.

It was pretty bad. The first time he saluted, he almost killed himself!

[Kev Murphy]

One sunny day in late January 2021, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer president, and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Trump. I've told you already that Mr. Trump is no longer the president, and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand alright. *I just love hearing it*."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you again tomorrow, Sir."

[Kev Murphy]

So there was this white guy, a black guy, a german guy and this jewish guy.
They all had white wives and they all had white babies on the same day.

The doctor forgets to tag them. The white guy says, "I can figure out who's baby is who's."
So he goes into the nursery. He comes out. The black guy asks, "Did you figure it out?"
"No... I couldn't." So the black guy says, "I can do this."

Goes in, comes out. "Did you figure it out?" "No."

The jewish guy goes in, comes out, and admits failure.

Then the german guy says, "I got this. I'll figure out whose baby is whose. When I come out, be ready for your baby."

So he goes in. Comes out. Gives the white guy his baby, the black guy his, and jewish guy his baby and keeps his own baby.
The black guy, astounded, says, "How the hell did you do that!"
"It was easy," says the german guy. "I just walked in and said 'Heil Hitler'.
The german baby saluted, the jewish baby crapped his pants, and the white baby made the black one clean it up."

[Kev Murphy]

I ordered a new monitor, but it got lost in the post.

It was a display-sment

[Kev Murphy]

I was feeling a little bit naughty, so I decided to run naked, as fast as I could to my mailbox and grab the mail.

Got arrested about a mile short of the post office.

[Kev Murphy]

Charlie, a new retiree-greeter at Wal*Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the United States Navy. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

"They usually saluted, and said, `Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, Sir?' "

[Kev Murphy]

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.
As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the angrier he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?!" With that, the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so, as the student reached the door the professor called, "Hey mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student turned around, pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me, buddy. YOU TELL ME!"

[Kev Murphy]

One species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings can't jump.

[Kev Murphy]

I just got a voice mail that my ophthalmologist is retiring....

I won't be seeing him anymore.

[Kev Murphy]

If you get an e-mail that says “knock knock” don’t open it!

It’s Jehovah’s witness working from home

[Kev Murphy]

The average length is 2 to 3 inches, while the African species can grow to over 11 inches.

Porcupine quills really are fascinating.

[Kev Murphy]

What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.

[Kev Murphy]

Why do they call them postal workers, and not mail escorts?

[Kev Murphy]

A new species of whale has been discovered near Japan

(Ssshhhhh! Don’t tell them about it!)