Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3095077 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30275 on:** May 03, 2021, 04:04:04 PM »

I was driving home yesterday when I came up to one of those half barrier level crossings.
The red lights were flashing and the barriers were on their way down so I pulled up sharply.
Suddenly this car covered in Trump and Confederate flags comes up behind me, but rather than stop, they pulled out and tried to beat the lights and barriers.
They got half way across when a large fully laden goods train hit them.
The car disintegrated, and all the occupants were killed instantly.

I sat there open mouthed and thought "DAMN! .. That could have easily been me!"
So as soon as I got home, I sent in an application to be a train driver.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30276 on:** May 03, 2021, 04:09:18 PM »

Happy Hannukah?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30277 on:** May 03, 2021, 04:11:11 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30278 on:** May 03, 2021, 04:11:57 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30279 on:** May 03, 2021, 05:33:39 PM »

Mechanic friend of mine recently won 'Employee of the Month' award from his employer.

He is self-employed, and works from home, alone.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30280 on:** May 03, 2021, 05:40:52 PM »

I asked my mother earlier today why my sister was named Crystal.

Mother: That's because I love crystals so much.

Me: What about my name then?

Mother: No more questions today, Richard!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30281 on:** May 03, 2021, 05:50:48 PM »

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.
He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2021. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on, and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, how was I supposed to pick 'em up?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30282 on:** May 03, 2021, 05:54:03 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30283 on:** May 03, 2021, 06:03:06 PM »

When I heard that Julian Assange had 2 children with his lawyer while in exile...?

I realized this gave new meaning to the words 'pro bono'!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30284 on:** May 03, 2021, 06:05:56 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30285 on:** May 03, 2021, 06:13:18 PM »

Started raining here again around 4pm. Not overly heavy, just constant. About 2mm today so far.
Some heavier stuff heading from the southwest, offshore at the moment about 100km out.

edit 6.30pm Now 8.6 mm in the rain gauge.

edit 7.40pm 10.4 mm. Heaviest rain missed us, passed about 20km to the west of town. Still sprinkles.

edit 8.15pm 14.8 mm now. Emptied the gauge in preparation for more, but the worst of it seems to have passed

edit 9.10pm Rain seems to have mostly passed now, but temperature has plunged. 9 degrees, but feels like 5.4 outside.

edit 1.30am Wind changed, rain coming from the south now. Cold, with wind chill, it's 2.3 degrees outside. 18mm of rain since 4pm yesterday.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30286 on:** May 03, 2021, 06:30:18 PM »

Would an exiled terrorist be called a Tallibanned?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30287 on:** May 03, 2021, 07:06:09 PM »

Was looking at the exchange rate NZ dollar on the news tonight. Around $1.07 Australian.

When I was in NZ with the army on exercise Truppenampt in late 70's, the exchange rate was NZ $1.20 / Au dollar.
Before we returned to home base in Melbourne, many of us exchanged our Aussie notes at the bank for NZ 20 cent coins, which were easily passed for face value in shopping here, thereby increasing our spending capabilities a tad after we returned home.
Hey, $20 bonus for each $100 was pretty good, considering our wage back then was around AU $104 per week?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30288 on:** May 03, 2021, 07:43:59 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30289 on:** May 03, 2021, 07:44:26 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30290 on:** May 03, 2021, 07:58:11 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30291 on:** May 03, 2021, 07:59:22 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30292 on:** May 03, 2021, 08:01:37 PM »

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.
Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth, he began chasing his prized possession.

The fortune teller ran down the stairs, across the empty plains, and into a small village before he finally caught up to his cloth. When he got to it, he discovered his beautiful Asian cloth caught in a grindstone. He pulled it out, only to find it torn up and covered in wheat dust. Nonetheless, it was the only thing he had, so he returned to his tower.

When he finally got home, he shut the windows, dusted off his piece of fabric, and began seeing into the future again. Right when he was about to get a glimpse of time unseen, the cloth suddenly erupted into flames, causing a small explosion and singeing the man's eyebrows.

The moral of the story?

Don't scry over milled silk.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30293 on:** May 03, 2021, 08:32:06 PM »

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.
You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular children's character. You are Babar's barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You get a bad case of bone spurs. You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You get a side job as a singer. You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber bard.

You were named after your parents favourite Beach Boys song.
You are Babar's barbed barred Barbar bar barbarian barber bard Barbara Ann.

It's OK guys, I'll see myself out ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30294 on:** May 03, 2021, 08:51:17 PM »

With Covid, hospitals are so overcrowded that there are massive delays for surgery.

Some women have to wait 16 months before they can be admitted for an abortion.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30295 on:** May 03, 2021, 08:55:28 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30296 on:** May 03, 2021, 08:55:55 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30297 on:** May 03, 2021, 09:15:10 PM »

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crystal" said Frodo.

"That's it!", said Gandalf. "I'm opening up a rehabilitation centre. When I come back in a year, this had better be cleaned up!"

A year passes and Gandalf returns. Alas, the hobbits are strewn about with their spoons and needles.

Gandalf scoffs, "Breaking Bad hobbits is going to be harder than I thought."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30298 on:** May 03, 2021, 11:18:37 PM »

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones.

The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

He replied "No, I was run over by a truck."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30299 on:** May 03, 2021, 11:44:43 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3095077 times)