Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

One secret policeman asks another, “What do you think of the regime?”

Nervously, the second policeman replies, “The same as you, comrade.”

At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, “In that case, it is my duty to arrest you!”

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing they asked me, is if I accept cookies?

[Kev Murphy]

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping centre. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there, and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time."

[Kev Murphy]

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around, and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife.
Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

[Kev Murphy]

Nothing looked good on the chow hall/mess line to the sailor, so he only selected a large piece of chocolate cake.

The cook asked him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?"

To which the sailor replied, "Yeah, the rest of the choices don’t look too appealing to me."

The cook grinned at the sailor and asked him "Well, if that’s all you want, would you like to have two pieces of cake?"

The sailor let him know, "Yeah, man, I'd really appreciate that!"

The cook leaned over and cut the sailor's piece of cake in half.

[Kev Murphy]

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.
“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics, and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“Things aren’t that great here, either,” replied the Syrian student.

[Kev Murphy]

Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning Johnny, and now there is only one piece left.
Can you explain that?

Johnny: Well, I guess it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other piece.

[Kev Murphy]

She forgot her phone when she went to the toilet this morning.

When she returned, she said we have 368 tiles.

[Kev Murphy]

A guy jumped from an aircraft, and was cut in half by the tail plane.

He is falling two pieces.

[Kev Murphy]

A friend from school came to visit my parents farm. He saw their horse and asked if he could go for a ride.
The horse had no saddle so I asked, "You going to ride bareback?"
He replied, "I just want to ride, I don't care what the horse's name is."

[Kev Murphy]

A man is walking down the street...
And he sees a gnarled, wrinkled little old lady sitting on her porch. He notices that the lady has a huge charismatic smile on her face.

The man walks up and says to her "Excuse me, I Couldn't help but notice how vibrant you look. Can you tell me what you've done to maintain what appears to be such a youthful exuberance?"

The lady responds "Sure, I get up every morning and smoke 2 stogies while I have my coffee with bourbon. Then I have some sausage for lunch, smoke some cigarettes and sometimes a joint before I bareback one of the guys I hang out with."

The man says "Oh my god, we've got to get you on tv! You've lived a long healthy life living like that! Exactly how old are you?"

The woman says "I will be 24 next August!!"

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Finally figured out why my cats lay on my hand, while I am trying to use the computer.

They can smell the mouse....

[Kev Murphy]

After some careful consideration during breakfast this morning, I realized that Froot Loops should have been called...
Queerios

[Kev Murphy]

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.
Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them, and then he went about Paris selling them.

One restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
Jean Luc replied with a smile, 'I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.'

[Kev Murphy]

(Russian joke)

A man calls a tiler ...

... "Hi! I'd like some bathroom tiles repaired please. When can you come?"

Tiler: "Next appointment is in 8 years."

Man: "Oh, OK, I'll take it."

Tiler: "Morning or Afternoon?"



(Almost as bad as trying to book a plumber, here.  The bloke in the flat opposite me has been waiting two weeks to get his leaky water heater repaired/replaced )

[Kev Murphy]

I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist…

That’s the last time my neighbour is going to wake me up on a Saturday morning!

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]