Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3048509 times)

Online ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30600 on: May 09, 2021, 12:28:36 PM »


All of those certainly boosted your post count, Kev!  :p :whistle


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30601 on: May 09, 2021, 12:43:56 PM »
I got fired from my job at the library...
Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30602 on: May 09, 2021, 12:46:31 PM »
There's a group of people that don't believe in the colour blue.

They claim it's cyan's fiction
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30603 on: May 09, 2021, 12:51:49 PM »
I don't really like comic books.

There are far too many issues
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30604 on: May 09, 2021, 12:53:14 PM »
Every time I read a Charlie Brown comic book, I break out in hives.

I think I am allergic to Peanuts.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30605 on: May 09, 2021, 12:59:13 PM »
Always obey road traffic signs.

Meh! .. Close enough!

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30606 on: May 09, 2021, 01:21:58 PM »
I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich… And there's an old lady there with a noisy little chihuahua.

It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.

I asked the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go right ahead", she says, sweetly.

So I threw the yappy little bastard under a passing car.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30607 on: May 09, 2021, 01:59:53 PM »
All the sandwiches in the fridge at work have names ..

Today I ate a sandwich called 'Jenny'.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30608 on: May 09, 2021, 02:53:12 PM »
A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.
Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towards the end of it he notices that one old guy is staring at him. He finishes his half hour and is about to leave and that old guy approaches him.

The comic is a bit nervous that the old guy is gonna confront him about what he just did. He braces himself for some uncomfortable confrontation and the old guy ask him "How do you remember all those jokes?!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30609 on: May 09, 2021, 02:54:32 PM »
For weeks now, Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits?

Finally I logged in, and updated my cookie preferences.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30610 on: May 09, 2021, 03:00:33 PM »
I got a comically small miniature deck of playing cards for my birthday.

No big deal.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30611 on: May 09, 2021, 03:21:18 PM »
Friend of mine was scammed when he bought a bargain Christmas tree online.

When it arrived, it was in a postal envelope, and had "air freshener" printed on one side.

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30612 on: May 09, 2021, 03:24:17 PM »
A pig, a dog, and a sheep are sitting at a table. A plate of 20 biscuits are served.

The pig grabs 19 and says to the dog: “Watch out, that sheep wants to take your biscuit.”
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30613 on: May 09, 2021, 03:25:57 PM »
Why didn't NASA name Apollo rockets with letters instead of numbers?

Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30614 on: May 09, 2021, 03:32:57 PM »
"4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing! They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans, and nothing is being done to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!"

Man o man, Trump certainly hated babies.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30615 on: May 09, 2021, 03:36:53 PM »
While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him.
The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"There's a new rooster in the henhouse."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30616 on: May 09, 2021, 03:38:31 PM »
I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00".
"How much is it for one?” I asked.
"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30617 on: May 09, 2021, 04:11:09 PM »
Anybody know someone that wants to buy letter openers, staplers, pens, and other office supplies?

Most of it is labelled with Capital Hill or U.S. Senate but it's all usable. Let me know!
Thanks. (signed, Donald.)
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30618 on: May 09, 2021, 04:14:47 PM »
Back when I was in elementary school one of my teachers would have an alphabet letter of the day, and then pick one of the students to say something about the letter of the day.

One day I got picked, and the letter of that day was N, so I got asked, "Kev, why don't you use the letter of the day, N, and tell us something that you're not very good at that starts with the letter N."
I stood up next to my desk and said... "Spelling"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30619 on: May 09, 2021, 04:18:35 PM »
A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin under the other...
The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here?"

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he's talking about.

He asks the bartender to put some lively music on. Then he carefully sets the the biscuit tin on the counter.
He gently places the chicken on top and then waits. The bartender stares in utter amazement as the chicken begins hopping and dancing about all over the biscuit tin lid.

"A dancing chicken?! Ha ha!! People will come from far and wide to my pub to see this amazing spectacle! I must have it. What do you want for it?"

"$300 and she's yours."

They make the exchange and the man leaves.

The bartender shouts up the road after him "Hey! ... How do I get the chicken to stop?"

The man shouts back "Just open the tin and blow out the candle."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30620 on: May 09, 2021, 04:56:47 PM »
Don't even attempt to make a list of his non-existent safety wear.
Or his lack of riding ability. At least his landing spot is wet mud.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30621 on: May 09, 2021, 05:14:20 PM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30622 on: May 09, 2021, 05:15:41 PM »
Just how fast was this dog running when he hit the tree?

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30623 on: May 09, 2021, 05:17:23 PM »
How I 'feel' when I walk the streets, compared to how I 'look'.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30624 on: May 09, 2021, 05:17:52 PM »
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