Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2922704 times)

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30625 on: May 09, 2021, 05:19:13 PM »
The detective’s heels clicked on the cement steps as he approached the door. The deputy ducked under the police line behind him. He knocked and the door was slowly opened by the woman. The blue and red lights were reflected in her wet eyes.
“Mrs. Johnson?” He asked.
“Yes. . . ?” The woman replies.
“Detective White.” He held up his polished badge.
“Oh, come in.” She stepped aside.
Several officers standing in the kitchen nodded to the detective as he entered, the deputy trailing behind.
“Smith, fill me in.” He said, turning to one of the officers.
“Madison Johnson, fifteen years of age, found nine hours dead at 9 am this morning in her bed, cause of death unknown.”
“Alright, let’ see her room.”
The group shuffled up the stairs and into the dark room strewn with clothes. A desktop hummed in the corner.
“Mrs. Johnson?” The detective turned to the anxious woman.
“Yes?”
“What was your daughter doing the night before this happened?”
“Well, she got home from school, ate dinner, sat at her computer for a while and then went to sleep.”
“Her computer. . .”
White walked over to the computer and moved the mouse. The monitor woke up, displaying the girl’s email on the screen. The detective sat down, and read several emails. His eyes darted across the screen for some painfully long minutes, before he turned in the swiveling chair to the rest of the team with a grave face.
“Mrs. Johnson, I don’t know how to easily explain this to you. . .”
“Yes. . . ?”
“At approximately 10 pm last night, your daughter failed to forward a chain email.”
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30626 on: May 09, 2021, 05:21:17 PM »
A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.

Dear Mom and Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
Love, Your $on

They reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Mom and Dad
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30627 on: May 09, 2021, 05:27:58 PM »
Harper says "If you ask nicely, I might share my bed with you"

0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30628 on: May 09, 2021, 05:32:34 PM »
My Russian girlfriend only writes in lowercase letters...

She isn't keen on Capitalism
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30629 on: May 09, 2021, 05:36:16 PM »
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30630 on: May 09, 2021, 05:38:36 PM »
My Grandad was the best drummer in the world
He used to practice every day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He was still playing right up till the moment he died aged 86, when my grandmother stabbed him in the neck with a fork at 3am.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30631 on: May 09, 2021, 05:39:56 PM »
My buddy wrote a reference letter for me while high on cannabis.

He highly recommended me.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30632 on: May 09, 2021, 05:41:42 PM »
The wife said I'm tight, and that we never do anything together, so I took her out for tea and biscuits.

Quite exciting to be honest, we've never donated blood before.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30633 on: May 09, 2021, 05:45:06 PM »
Can you name 3 NFL teams that start with the letter "F"?

The Falcons, the Forty-9ers and the F***ing Dolphins!
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30634 on: May 09, 2021, 05:50:14 PM »
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate.

A few days later, he received this letter:

Most Honourable Sir,

You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow.
He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see.
He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I no see.

No fee,

Chen Lee
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30635 on: May 09, 2021, 05:55:57 PM »
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30636 on: May 09, 2021, 06:31:31 PM »
A blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant, because she couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30637 on: May 09, 2021, 06:45:13 PM »
You know that you are addicted to the internet when you spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30638 on: May 09, 2021, 06:47:34 PM »
50% of Canada...

Is the letter A
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30639 on: May 09, 2021, 07:14:57 PM »
My Grandad puts Viagra in his cuppa tea.

It stops his biscuits from going soft when he dunks them.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 
The following users thanked this post: STeveo

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30640 on: May 09, 2021, 07:21:47 PM »
A letter gets sent to the White House addressed to "The World's Greatest President"
President Biden refuses to open it, seeing as though he hasn't earned the title, so he forwards it to Obama.
Obama won't touch it and sends it to the estate of George H. W. Bush, who promptly forwards it to George W.
W won't look at it and sends it to Reagan's Presidential Library, where Trump happens to be that day.
Trump grabs the letter off the desk, declares loudly that this is for me, and opens it.
The letter begins, "Dear President Carter, ... "
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30641 on: May 09, 2021, 07:24:36 PM »
"Don't fart! ... PLEASE don't fart!

0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Offline Brock

  • Tardis Tech
  • UNBELIEVABLE "5000 Posts" Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 8713
  • Thanked: 1692 times
  • White is the fastest
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30642 on: May 09, 2021, 07:35:57 PM »
Quote
"Don't fart! ... PLEASE don't fart!

Me thinks a fart would be the least of the problems, I wouldnt want to be the one cleaning the door...

Brock
Asian Correspondent
2003 Honda ST1100PY



Ulysses #32829
STOC #8239
OzSToc # ??
Kinross WA
 
The following users thanked this post: Kev Murphy

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30643 on: May 09, 2021, 07:49:45 PM »
My wife makes my pancakes too thin.

Tomorrow morning I am going to tell her that I am sick of her crepe.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30644 on: May 09, 2021, 08:03:56 PM »
I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a Crossword clue—-‘Overworked Postman’. Can you help?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “Too many.”
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30645 on: May 09, 2021, 08:05:15 PM »
When I was younger, the police asked me, "Can you describe to us the robber you saw?"

I probably should have helped catch the guy, but I had a lot more fun seeing the look on that sketch artist's face as he slowly drew himself.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30646 on: May 09, 2021, 08:07:48 PM »
Husband: "We just ate, why are you making pancakes?"

Wife: "They're for the dogs."

Husband: "Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?"

Wife: "Because they don't know how to."
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30647 on: May 09, 2021, 08:14:53 PM »
A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,
The owner of the expensive car stepped out and says “Give me $10,000 dollars for repairs or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!”

The man replies “Woah woah buddy. I don’t have that much, but let me call my son, he trains dolphins”.

He calls his son and told him of the incident. The owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins? Well bring me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat your dad!”.

The son answers “Okay give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

15 minutes later, the son pulls up in a armoured vehicle, and out jumped 10 guys in uniform, and they beat the crap out of the loudmouth.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad, I train Seals not dolphins.”.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30648 on: May 09, 2021, 08:18:34 PM »
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 94863
  • Thanked: 10864 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30649 on: May 09, 2021, 08:24:18 PM »
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com