Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3066819 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30653 on:** May 09, 2021, 08:33:22 PM »

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee guesses "I dunno, 130?". The woman laughs, "NOPE! 127.4!"

Excited, she practically runs to cash register to check out, nearly knocking people over in the process, and announces the cashier "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee guesses "I dunno, 128?". The woman laughs, "NOPE! 127.4!"

As she's standing at the bus stop with about 20 bags of new clothes she spots an old man, and announces to the man "I just bought a bunch of new dresses because I lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The old man contemplates and says "Young lady, I've been around the world and made love to a lot of women over the years. I have a method for determining your weight, it's a little unconventional, but I guarantee I can get your weight correct precisely to the tenth of a pound." He reaches toward her and then pauses and asks, "May I?"

The woman shrugs, the man seems harmless, "Sure, why the hell not!"

Cupping her firmly by the buttocks, the old man pulls her close against his chest so that they're eye to eye. He begins massaging her butt cheeks sensually, closing his eyes and breathing heavily in and out. Finally, he puts his face down into her cleavage and motorboats her breasts. Just as she's about to lose her temper he looks up at her and says "Madam, you weigh exactly 127.4 pounds."

The woman is astonished, "How did you figure that out???"

The old man grins, "You jumped in front of me at the department store register"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30654 on:** May 09, 2021, 08:42:46 PM »

The hardest part about learning the alphabet is the first four letters;
The rest is just E-Z.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30655 on:** May 09, 2021, 08:48:57 PM »

Just .... WHY???

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30656 on:** May 09, 2021, 09:51:09 PM »

Psychiatrist: "What brought you here?"
Patient: "My wife sent me here because I like pancakes."
Psychiatrist: "There's nothing wrong with that? I like pancakes, too."
Patient: "Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30657 on:** May 09, 2021, 10:02:58 PM »

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"
The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!"

"Well..." says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?"

She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30658 on:** May 09, 2021, 10:07:09 PM »

They've just announced the birth of the latest royal baby, and the name is 'yet to be decided'.

Unconventional, and certainly the most unique royal name ever!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30659 on:** May 09, 2021, 10:09:18 PM »

I know a woman who is so fat, she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30660 on:** May 09, 2021, 10:12:17 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30661 on:** May 09, 2021, 10:47:10 PM »

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be trustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk, and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do?

On the first walk, she pretends to slip, and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes off his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house.
There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is your new car._

_– Your mother-in-law_

The next day the woman tries to do the same walk with her other son-in-law. She again pretends to slip and falls into the water. The second son-in-law immediately jumps after her. The next day there is new Mercedes parked in front of the house.
There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is your new car._

_– Your mother-in-law_

The day after the woman goes again on a walk but with her third son-in-law. Again she pretends to slip, and falls into the water. The third son-in-law looks left, looks right, and sees nobody. So he continues to walk.
The next day there is a brand new Ferrari parked in front of the house.
There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is your new car._

_– Your father-in-law_

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30662 on:** May 09, 2021, 10:55:43 PM »

FARKLE ME!!! - Must have multiple alternators and batteries....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30663 on:** May 09, 2021, 11:09:50 PM »

Jeff Dunham: Sex Life of the Elderly

Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.
Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? Was it good for you? I don't remember. It was three minutes ago!, Who are you?!?.

Brock · « **Reply #30664 on:** May 10, 2021, 12:24:42 AM »

Quote

Just .... WHY???

I agree, why in the world is she riding with no helmet, and no jeans..

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30665 on:** May 10, 2021, 12:26:59 AM »

Perzachary!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30666 on:** May 10, 2021, 12:28:32 AM »

My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning.

Seems he was their favourite rabbit.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30667 on:** May 10, 2021, 12:31:17 AM »

All good sports teams require good communication...

So why in the hell do we keep losing to the school for deaf kids!?!?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30668 on:** May 10, 2021, 12:32:35 AM »

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus.
You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, but that's the only thing we can slide under the door."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30669 on:** May 10, 2021, 12:44:17 AM »

Methinks a tad overboard on touring needs?
Reminds me of a friend, Rabbit, who toured with me and my mate Jeff in early 70's.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30670 on:** May 10, 2021, 12:49:32 AM »

Rabbit had so much junk strapped to his bike that stuff started falling off before we had ridden 10km on our first circuit of Aus.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30671 on:** May 10, 2021, 01:03:45 AM »

Some telemarketer guy phoned me, and asked if I was interested in switching to an alternative energy supply...

I said “No thanks, I think I’ll just stick with food!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30672 on:** May 10, 2021, 01:24:29 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30673 on:** May 10, 2021, 02:00:25 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30674 on:** May 10, 2021, 02:02:14 AM »

Tools of communication.

For effective communication, it is important to have the right tools of communication.
Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations promptly.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3066819 times)