Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3061006 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30676 on:** May 10, 2021, 03:00:48 AM »

The fastest form of communication is Sign Language....since it travels at the speed of light.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30677 on:** May 10, 2021, 03:03:17 AM »

Flipping Hell! Where do all the naughty pancakes go?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30678 on:** May 10, 2021, 03:04:56 AM »

Trump is NOT a loser
He’s an alternative winner.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30679 on:** May 10, 2021, 03:06:04 AM »

A dyslexic person's preferred alternative energy source could be unclear.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30680 on:** May 10, 2021, 03:07:36 AM »

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery, and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30681 on:** May 10, 2021, 03:09:25 AM »

A man in a hurry goes to a diner and ordered a pancake

He asked, “Will it be very long?”

The cook replied, “No, I usually make them round.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30682 on:** May 10, 2021, 05:01:38 AM »

Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to hump

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while humping, DEFINITELY illegal.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30683 on:** May 10, 2021, 05:09:24 AM »

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30684 on:** May 10, 2021, 05:17:31 AM »

I tried following a recipe to make a cheesecake.

The second last step was "Chill in the fridge for an hour".

I've got my beer and snacks, but it's cold and bloody cramped in here?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30685 on:** May 10, 2021, 09:00:27 AM »

Not homeless, just doesn't need one. Has everything on the bike!
(Should have a garage sale, or do a tip run tho'?.)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30686 on:** May 10, 2021, 09:04:21 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30687 on:** May 10, 2021, 09:06:57 AM »

If you see someone with a smile on their face on Monday ..

They are probably unemployed.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30688 on:** May 10, 2021, 09:13:36 AM »

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first 'internet'.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30689 on:** May 10, 2021, 09:24:28 AM »

Tips for inner peace.

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace, is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished.

Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Kaluha, a packet of Penguins, the remainder of bottle of Xanax, my Valium prescription, the rest of the Cheesecake, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30690 on:** May 10, 2021, 09:27:49 AM »

An Eskimo photographer has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice.

He is waiting for his Polaroids to develop.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30691 on:** May 10, 2021, 09:33:22 AM »

A castaway was waving and jumping up and down on a remote island, as a fishing boat passed nearby.

The fisherman grabbed a megaphone and shouted "Sorry, can't pick you up ... social distancing, you know!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30692 on:** May 10, 2021, 09:47:04 AM »

.... aaaand just where would you find suitable parking that caters for this?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30693 on:** May 10, 2021, 09:53:38 AM »

Think of the dynamics of the above picture? To do a hard turn, the rider would have to walk way out on the running boards to still be able to even reach the handlebars.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30694 on:** May 10, 2021, 10:02:52 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30695 on:** May 10, 2021, 10:14:59 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30696 on:** May 10, 2021, 10:16:50 AM »

The key to marriage is communication.

Keep your mouth shut, so you can't fight about what was said.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30697 on:** May 10, 2021, 10:25:24 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30698 on:** May 10, 2021, 10:31:27 AM »

Two photographers are walking down a street.
One of them trips and fall onto the ground.
The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30699 on:** May 10, 2021, 10:36:31 AM »

The city of Paris lost the chance to host the 2012 Olympics and they're very bitter about it.

Apparently the Parisians are disappointed because they were looking forward to being rude to thousands of new people.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3061006 times)