Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3063273 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30750 on:** May 10, 2021, 04:37:24 PM »

The TV industry seems a bit harsh?

Obviously they do not want Bert Newton to stand for any forthcoming events.

(His leg was amputated last night)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30751 on:** May 10, 2021, 04:49:13 PM »

Bloody cold wet and windy here today. 10 degrees at 4.45pm, feels like zero.2 degrees with wind chill.
About 5mm in occasional showers since 9am.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30752 on:** May 10, 2021, 05:35:01 PM »

Met a guy today named Carl Hunt. He's called Carley by his mates.

He rides a Harley, which explains what he is called by others.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30753 on:** May 10, 2021, 05:44:22 PM »

Racist people take photographs with old cameras because they appear in black and white.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30754 on:** May 10, 2021, 05:46:30 PM »

My neighbors, the Razzis, have more family photographs hanging from their wall than anyone I know.

Thanks to their Dad.

Papa Razzi.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #30755 on:** May 10, 2021, 05:47:54 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on May 10, 2021, 04:49:13 PM

Bloody cold wet and windy here today. 10 degrees at 4.45pm, feels like zero.2 degrees with wind chill.
About 5mm in occasional showers since 9am.

That must be what's coming to us a bit later in the week, Kev.

It's looking decidedly crappy for our Moyhu RTE this weekend...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30756 on:** May 10, 2021, 05:49:31 PM »

Bugger!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30757 on:** May 10, 2021, 05:50:34 PM »

Phil Ming is the name of a famous Asian photographer.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30758 on:** May 10, 2021, 06:01:09 PM »

A man visits a show of Amanda, the famous psychic and healer.
During the show Amanda walks to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and exclaims:

"You WILL walk!"

He says softly "But I'm fine, my legs already work."

She gestures dramatically and exclaims once more:

"YOU! WILL! WALK!"

The man decides to just play along, gets up and walks a small circle. The crowd goes nuts.

After the show he walks out, shakes his head and figures that this Amanda is just a fraud.

That's when he discovered that his car had been stolen.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30759 on:** May 10, 2021, 06:12:41 PM »

My photographer friend found that the fastest way to earn some money was by selling his cameras.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30760 on:** May 10, 2021, 07:54:26 PM »

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks.

So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him if he leaves the house.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30761 on:** May 10, 2021, 08:24:28 PM »

I was the photographer at a vegan wedding last weekend.

They got mad as hell when I told them to say cheese.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30762 on:** May 10, 2021, 08:27:27 PM »

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30763 on:** May 10, 2021, 08:39:51 PM »

This could drag out a bit....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30764 on:** May 10, 2021, 08:44:07 PM »

Some guy spat in my 'tips' jar...

So I says "Hey a-hole, you coulda just not tipped, that was a bit much!"

Then he said "Oh, sorry, I read it backwards."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30765 on:** May 10, 2021, 08:47:12 PM »

In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option.

I just need to talk her into it now.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #30766 on:** May 10, 2021, 08:49:02 PM »

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me, I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out but Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan..."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow.
How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.

He died.

I'm married to his f***ing widow!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30767 on:** May 10, 2021, 08:54:41 PM »

Hmmm? I thought his name was Frank

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30768 on:** May 10, 2021, 08:58:57 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30769 on:** May 10, 2021, 09:44:25 PM »

In Egypt, the election system used to be that people would vote yes or no to the current president to determine whether elections were going to happen or not. The day before the polls everyone would hang signs saying yes to the president. But one man decides to vote no.

Later that night, the man cannot not sleep and fears he might have made the wrong decision. So the next day he goes to the poll workers

"I believe I have voted for the wrong option yesterday," he says. "I want to change my vote to a yes"

The poll worker smiles at him and says:

"No problem we corrected it for you, but don't do it again!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30770 on:** May 10, 2021, 10:30:49 PM »

My buddy the photographer has retired.

He said it's too stressful, and he couldn't take anymore.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30771 on:** May 10, 2021, 11:03:57 PM »

There's a bipartisan group petitioning for medical marijuana as an option for arthritis patients.

In other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30772 on:** May 10, 2021, 11:05:04 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30773 on:** May 10, 2021, 11:35:33 PM »

Mary and Dave got along pretty well. But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy, and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.

It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf. From now on I will be on time for dinner!” Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a passing car hit Dave.

Dave was rushed to the hospital. Luckily they let him out after 3 hours, and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock.

Mary was livid! “Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run down by a car!”

“REALLY!?,” screamed Mary, “IT TAKES THREE HOURS TO GET RUN DOWN BY A CAR!?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #30774 on:** May 11, 2021, 02:48:58 AM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 3063273 times)