Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3066379 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30800 on: May 11, 2021, 04:00:27 PM »

The Chicago Bears were desperately looking for a new quarterback. With all normal options not working out they looked outside the United States. They found a terrorist in Iran who was able to throw a grenade 100 yards and have it go through a 3rd story window every time.

The Bears signed him immediately. His season was great, he led the Bears to an undefeated season and got the MVP award. After wining the super bowl, he called his Mom.

"Mom, I just won the super bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you!" His mother says.
"But Mom, I just won the biggest sporting event in the United States!" He said.

His mother responds "I don't want to talk to you! I'm afraid to leave the house, your sisters get robbed every time they leave the house, and your brothers get beat up and shot at every time they go outside!
I am so mad at you since you made us move here to Chicago!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30801 on: May 11, 2021, 04:18:39 PM »
About that TV commercial, where the 'Marie' parents want to name their son 'Callum'. (Calamari)

It is suggested at the end of the ad that they consider 'Jack'?

However, this name is vigorously opposed by the 'Doff' family.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30802 on: May 11, 2021, 04:44:05 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30803 on: May 11, 2021, 04:50:06 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30804 on: May 11, 2021, 05:46:54 PM »
The computer was claimed to answer anything correctly.
But the CEO didn't believe it, so he asked "Where's my father right now?".
The computer beeped and whirred for a few seconds, and spat out "Your father is fishing in Canada".
The CEO joyfully chortled "See, your computer isn't always right, my father died when I was 10 years old!"
The computer spat out "Your mothers husband died 25 years ago. Your father just landed an 8 pound trout."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30805 on: May 11, 2021, 05:54:02 PM »
My Pommy buddy joined a weight loss program a couple of weeks ago.
I phoned him and asked "How's the program going?"
He replied "SHITHOUSE! ... I have lost 80 pounds so far! .... and that's only the Gym Fees!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30806 on: May 11, 2021, 06:24:45 PM »
A politician visits a town in one of his electoral districts.
It is a small, remote town deep in the mountains.

When he arrives he is greeted by the townspeople, the mayor, and a camera crew.
He waves and shakes his supporters hands while smiling for the camera.
Finally he walks up to the mayor of the small town and asks:

"So mayor, what problems does your town have?

The mayor replies:
"We have two main problems"

The politician asks:
"What is your first problem?"

The mayor replies:
"Sir, our town has no doctor."

The politician pulls out his phone and makes a call.
"Hello... I need a favour... could I get a doctor to serve this town? And a medical facility? Yes, yes... you will? Alright thanks!"

The politician turns to the mayor and says:
"Your first problem is no more!
What is your town's second problem?"

The mayor replies:
"Sir, we do not have any cell phone service here."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30807 on: May 11, 2021, 06:29:21 PM »
Arnold Schwarzenegger had his Covid vaccine shot.

He said "I'll be back."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30808 on: May 11, 2021, 06:30:40 PM »
A hunter shot a lion and wanted its head mounted. Unfortunately, the taxidermist got it backwards.

It's a real cat-ass-trophy'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30809 on: May 11, 2021, 06:40:44 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30810 on: May 11, 2021, 07:00:37 PM »
Popular thread, this?

3,000 views in the past 24 hours from 7pm yesterday, til 7pm tonight.

Many thanks to all followers.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30811 on: May 11, 2021, 07:09:49 PM »
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.

One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought.”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30812 on: May 11, 2021, 07:14:54 PM »
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots into the wall."

"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all five of my shots into your target."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30813 on: May 11, 2021, 08:33:30 PM »
An American tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking
the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing
the middle of the day and they didn't want to miss lunch at
their ramshackle hotel - the only one in town and which
always served meals promptly. They came upon an old herder
perched on a stool beside his camel. "Excuse me, sir," the
man asked, "but could you tell me the time?"

The old man glanced at them, spat in the dirt, then turned and
reached under his camel and hefted the animal's testicles.
After a moment, he released them. "It is 10 minutes before
noon," he replied. The couple exchanged confused looks,
thanked the man and hurried back to their hotel, arriving
just in time for the meal.

Later that day, the wandering couple found themselves again
on the same street and spied the old herder perched beside
his camel, apparently unmoved. Curious as to how he could
tell time by fondling his animal's balls---an old Muslim
craft?-- they approached him and asked again, "Sir, can you
tell us the time?" They watched closely as he again reached
up and grabbed the camel's jewels, seemingly judging their
weight, then pronounced, "It is half-past four."

The couple excitedly exchanged looks. The woman blurted,
"Oh, sir! That is an amazing ability you have! Could you
show us how you do it?!?

"Surely," the herder responded tiredly, and motioned them to
squat beside him. "Now, grasp his balls gently and lift them
up to his belly." The woman did so while her companion
watched. "What now?", she inquired.

"Now," said the old man, "look over there, can you now see
the clock in the far tower?"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30814 on: May 11, 2021, 08:48:02 PM »
I know for a fact that corporations are trying to put chips in our bodies.

Lay's, Smiths, and Ruffles are advertising 'buy one, get one free' at the grocery store.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30815 on: May 11, 2021, 09:08:27 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30816 on: May 11, 2021, 09:09:50 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30817 on: May 11, 2021, 09:28:18 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30818 on: May 11, 2021, 09:39:13 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30819 on: May 11, 2021, 09:40:14 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30820 on: May 11, 2021, 09:40:42 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30821 on: May 11, 2021, 09:41:07 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30822 on: May 11, 2021, 11:26:57 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30823 on: May 11, 2021, 11:38:01 PM »

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators, that they would like to take back....


1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?... :)
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30824 on: May 11, 2021, 11:41:03 PM »
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