Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 3066412 times)

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30825 on: May 12, 2021, 12:06:01 AM »
A drop dead gorgeous woman at the club whispered seductively in my ear, "How about free drinks all night in return for sex?"

Sputtering excitedly, I blubbered, "Ah-ah-ah- are y-you sure?!"

Purring, she panted, "Yes!"

"Really? ... because I can drink an awful lot of whisky, it could be pretty expensive for you, you know!?"
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30826 on: May 12, 2021, 12:11:54 AM »
Job ad:

Position as a psychic at large international corporation. Opening salary ($1M/annually)

Submit your application and cover letter to you know who, at you know where.
The application deadline is you know when.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30827 on: May 12, 2021, 12:14:18 AM »
My friends asked why I always spoke quietly.
I told them it was because I didn't want corporations spying on me.
They laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed...
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30828 on: May 12, 2021, 12:25:16 AM »
A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen.
One day when the woman and her boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too.
If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."

0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30829 on: May 12, 2021, 12:27:03 AM »
The police were called to a NASCAR event when belligerent fans became violent after being asked to remove the Confederate flags they had brought to the event.

Authorities believe it to be race-related.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30830 on: May 12, 2021, 06:41:54 AM »
Lets talk about Javelin and Shot Put.

Discus.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30831 on: May 12, 2021, 06:45:59 AM »
A guy framed his dog, after he shot his wife and hung his children.

They really are nice photos.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30832 on: May 12, 2021, 06:55:14 AM »
Dave was held at gunpoint.

He gave the robber his money, and asked the robber to shoot a few bullets through his hat, to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

The gunner complied.

He then asked, "Shoot a few holes through my coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you, and not look like a coward"

After the robber shot the coat, he said, "Shoot a few holes-"

"Please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"

Dave whipped a gun out of his pocket.

"That's what I wanted to hear. Now give me back my wallet, and give me YOUR money for the hat and coat you destroyed, before I beat you black and blue!"
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30833 on: May 12, 2021, 06:58:27 AM »
Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan meet at a bar every Saturday.
Dan is exceptionally optimistic. Every time one of the other three mentions something bad, Dan simply responds, "Could be worse!" This really drives them up a wall.

One Friday when Al returns home from a business trip, he, Ben, and Carl hatch a plan.

The next day Carl goes to the bar alone. "Hey," says Dan, "Where's Al and Ben?"

"It's a sad story," pretends Carl. "Yesterday, when Al returned home, he found Ben in bed with his wife. He was so angry at them that he shot and killed them both. Then, realizing what he had done, he shot and killed himself."

As usual, Dan responds, "Could be worse!"

Carl is nothing short of shocked. "What?!" he sputters. "He killed his friend, his wife, and himself! How could it be worse?"

"Well," says Dan, "Had he returned home a day early, I'd be dead!"
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30834 on: May 12, 2021, 07:02:29 AM »
"Dad, were you shot in the army?"

"No son, I was shot in the leggy."
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30835 on: May 12, 2021, 07:04:31 AM »
An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.
The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"

The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"

The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"

He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them aflame.
"Special, just for you."

The American frowns, "What the hell is this?"

"I call it a 9/11."
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30836 on: May 12, 2021, 07:18:22 AM »
There's a report that after last nights budget release, the happy clapper was admitted to the burns unit at the Canberra hospital after his trousers spontaneously combusted.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30837 on: May 12, 2021, 07:19:29 AM »
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30838 on: May 12, 2021, 07:20:59 AM »
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30839 on: May 12, 2021, 07:26:35 AM »
Corporations and mosques are so similar.

It's all about the prophets.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30840 on: May 12, 2021, 12:38:48 PM »
I’m not fat, I’m horizontally enhanced.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30841 on: May 12, 2021, 12:39:31 PM »
What do you give a man who has everything?
A shot of penicillin
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30842 on: May 12, 2021, 12:40:29 PM »
I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, “What do you do?”
I responded, “I race cars.”
Screeching with excitement, she shot back, “Do you win many races!?”
I sighed...“No, the cars are much faster.”
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30843 on: May 12, 2021, 12:42:44 PM »
A drunk orders a shot of Wild Turkey....
Sorry sir, we don’t have Wild Turkey only a House bourbon? What can I get you?

I’ll have a shot of Wild Turkey

I’m so sorry sir, we just ran out, how about a Jack Daniels

I’ll have a shot of Wild Turkey

Okay sir, if you can spell Wild Turkey, I’ll get you a shot

W-I-L-D T-U-R-K-E-Y, Wild Turkey

Sir you forgot the F

There’s no F in Wild Turkey?

I already told you that.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30844 on: May 12, 2021, 12:43:46 PM »
A son says to his mum "When I get older, I want to be shot into space"

His mum says.. "If your father had done what he was told, you would have been"....
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30845 on: May 12, 2021, 12:48:13 PM »
"Name?"
"Abdul Aziz."
"Sex?"
"Three to five times a day."
"No, no... I mean male or female?"
"Yes, male, female, sometimes camel."
"Holy cow!"
"Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general."
"But isn't that hostile?"
"Horse style, doggy style, any style!"
"Oh dear!"
"No, no! Deer run too fast..."
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30846 on: May 12, 2021, 12:49:31 PM »
I need to file a complaint about a hostile work environment
The elevator keeps telling me I’m going down.
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30847 on: May 12, 2021, 12:53:07 PM »
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30848 on: May 12, 2021, 01:18:52 PM »
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com
 

Online Kev Murphy

  • "Top Dog" 10000 club
  • *****
  • Posts: 95274
  • Thanked: 10865 times
  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30849 on: May 12, 2021, 01:35:00 PM »
A motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.
The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket, he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with
his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an ass hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ass hole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”


How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
0428 306 496

kjmurphy2@bigpond.com