Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 2924318 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30375 on: May 05, 2021, 06:20:21 PM »
The salesman at the furniture store told me....
"This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30376 on: May 05, 2021, 06:29:44 PM »
There was a Nun who volunteered at a hospital, and since she had her doctorate and medical license, the hospital allowed her to prescribe medications.

In fact, she took great joy in being able to provide prescriptions immediately, and so modified one of her uniforms to start carrying some of the more common medications and equipment.

Over time, she ended up adding more and more pockets and loops and cargo spaces.
Eventually, it amounted to quite a lot of weight, as she was carrying a small pharmacy.

One day, one of the elderly inpatients complained that her walking aid was missing?
After a little investigation, it was discovered that the Nun was using it to help bear with the weight of her clothes!

The only thing the hospital staff could talk about for the next week, was that the Nun had resorted to stealing to support her drug habit.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30377 on: May 05, 2021, 06:49:21 PM »
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand).
So he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance.
They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy still has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30378 on: May 05, 2021, 06:53:47 PM »
What's the difference between a length of pipe, and a pale Dutchman?

One's a hollow cylinder, and the other's a sallow Hollander.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30379 on: May 05, 2021, 10:14:55 PM »
SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus".

Tuba is also an acronym.
It stands for "Terrible underwater breathing apparatus"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30380 on: May 05, 2021, 10:16:43 PM »
A stupid anti-masker died yesterday.

He went scuba diving.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30381 on: May 05, 2021, 10:20:51 PM »
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...

One day I lobster and never flounder again.


Also, I had a man ta ray conversation with a stingray.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30382 on: May 05, 2021, 10:21:59 PM »
The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!

All I wanted was the one night stand.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30383 on: May 05, 2021, 10:41:25 PM »
Sofa, so good with my furniture jokes.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30384 on: May 05, 2021, 10:42:39 PM »
I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

You have no idea how many people call me counter productive.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30385 on: May 05, 2021, 10:44:36 PM »
My wife didn’t want to buy a bed from the local furniture store because of their motto...
We stand behind everything we sell.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30386 on: May 05, 2021, 10:46:19 PM »
BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear...

...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down because people kept getting the Benz.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30387 on: May 05, 2021, 10:48:28 PM »
A scuba diver is bobbing around on the surface,
waiting to be picked up by the support boat. The boat approaches and the diver swims towards the ladder. Suddenly, there's a huge commotion, the diver is thrashed back and forth like a rag doll, the water looks like it's boiling and then starts turning red as the rest of the diver group and crew on the boat watch in horror.

The diver reaches the ladder and starts screaming "Help, help, get me out, a shark just bit my leg off!"

One of the crew reaches down and starts pulling the diver out of the water. "Which one?" he asks.

"How the hell would I know! Sharks all look the same when you're wearing a dive mask."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30388 on: May 05, 2021, 10:54:58 PM »
Do lactose intolerant people freak out when they learn that we live in the Milky Way?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30389 on: May 05, 2021, 11:07:32 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30390 on: May 05, 2021, 11:12:12 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30391 on: May 05, 2021, 11:22:57 PM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30392 on: May 06, 2021, 01:31:11 AM »
Chuck Norris goes for a short walk everyday, just to keep the planet spinning.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30393 on: May 06, 2021, 01:32:21 AM »
A man visited his heavily bandaged friend in the hospital.
Upon seeing his injuries, the friend asked: “What happened to you?”

“Well, we went to a theme park and decided to ride a roller coaster,” the man explained. “As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was too small and I couldn’t make it out. I was so curious that I went around again, but we went by so quickly that I still couldn’t see what the sign said. By now I was determined, so I went around a third time. As we reached the top I stood up in the car to get a better view.”

“And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?” asked his friend.

“Yeah.” answered the man. “The sign said ‘Please remain seated at all times!'”
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30394 on: May 06, 2021, 01:39:36 AM »
A C-130 is being escorted by an F-16. The fighter pilot gets bored, pushes the engine and does some stunts. He loops, dives, does a few barrel rolls and has some fun.
He radios the C-130 pilot: "How was that? Cool, huh?" C-130 pilot radioed back: "That was nothing. I can do something with my beauty of a plane no fighter pilot with his fighter can! Watch this:"
Patiently the fighter pilot waits for 5 minutes but the Hercules just keeps flying straight n' level. He asks the C-130 pilot what the hell he thinks he just did.
Pilot answers:
"Well, I shut down two engines, had a chat with the crew, made some coffee, microwaved and ate breakfast, read the newspaper, then took a stroll to the toilet for a leak!"
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30395 on: May 06, 2021, 01:40:13 AM »


Speaking of helmets for sale, I spotted this on ebay years ago and saved a copy...  :thumbs

Click pic to enlarge...



 


        2005 Honda ST1300A
 
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30396 on: May 06, 2021, 01:55:40 AM »
OBOY!, Mikey sure bagged out his ex.  :rofl
I had a similar experience with my first wife wanting me to get rid of my bike. Didn't happen.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30397 on: May 06, 2021, 02:14:01 AM »
This scooter rider should get a pat on the back ... but being Taiwan, probably got a bullet instead.

https://9gag.com/gag/aj82M08?ref=ios
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30398 on: May 06, 2021, 02:46:53 AM »
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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30399 on: May 06, 2021, 07:09:56 AM »
A man's girlfriend got mad at him and locked him out of his apartment.
He tried everything he could think of to get back in, but he finally resorted to pounding loudly on the door and shouting "Knock, Knock"

After several repetitions, his girlfriend shouted through the door. "Go away!"

"No," he replied, "you're supposed to say 'Who's there?'"

"Ugh, fine. Who's there?"

"John"

"John Who?"

"John Smith!"

"That doesn't make any sense. That is a terrible knock-knock joke!"

"Oh yeah? Well how about this one. Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Matt"

"Matt Who?"

"Matt Smith!"

"That's wrong again! Don't you even know how to tell a knock-knock joke properly?"

"Well, why don't you show me how it's done, then?"

"Alright, I will!" She unlocked the door and walked outside, switching places with him.

He walked inside, closed and locked the door. "Knock Knock" she called.

He then went to bed without a reply.
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