Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5864119 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35350 on:** August 15, 2021, 12:59:18 AM »

How Pravda reported the Chernobyl meltdown incident.

"In glorious power plant Chernobyl, ingenious Russian engineers managed to fulfil 5 year plan of maximum power production in only 5 milliseconds."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35351 on:** August 15, 2021, 01:16:07 AM »

Patient: "Doctor, please help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem?"

Patient: "I just did, you stupid SOB!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35352 on:** August 15, 2021, 01:19:59 AM »

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied, "Big tits."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" He looked at me kind of worried, as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35353 on:** August 15, 2021, 01:26:39 AM »

There was a little boy who was acting up something horrible.
His mother warned him if he didn't stop, she was gonna have to give him a butt whippin'!
Well, he kept on misbehaving until his mom finally said, "That's it!" and she proceeded to give him the spanking of his life.

The little boy went crying all the way upstairs, ran into his mom's bedroom, stood in front of her full-length mirror and dropped his britches to inspect the damage.
After taking one look he went," Hmph!"
He marched straight back downstairs to his mom, and announced, "Boy, I sure hope you're happy! You cracked it!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35354 on:** August 15, 2021, 01:34:21 AM »

I picked up the local paper to check out the forecast.

It read: "Today: Sunny, raining, 13 degrees. Tonight: Not so sunny, raining, and 5.5 degrees"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35355 on:** August 15, 2021, 01:37:05 AM »

There's a report that the US economy is so bad that a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35356 on:** August 15, 2021, 01:43:40 AM »

Hitler said to a Nazi officer: “Nein! ... I said kilojoules!”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35357 on:** August 15, 2021, 01:46:06 AM »

Street seller offers some really special eyeglasses to Steve.
He tries them on, and sees all the people naked when he looks through them.
He immediately buys them, and heads for home to show them to his wife, sneaking a few peeks on the street as he goes.

He enters the apartment and sees his wife with his best friend, naked on the couch.
He takes eyeglasses off, they're naked. On, off, a few more times and both of them are still naked.

"Damn" says he "This Chinese crap is already broken!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35358 on:** August 15, 2021, 01:51:41 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35359 on:** August 15, 2021, 02:03:25 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35360 on:** August 15, 2021, 02:04:08 AM »

Cats just notified me that it's meal time again.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35361 on:** August 15, 2021, 02:09:34 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35362 on:** August 15, 2021, 02:46:41 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35363 on:** August 15, 2021, 02:53:55 AM »

If I had a cloning device -

I'd be beside myself.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35364 on:** August 15, 2021, 02:55:05 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35365 on:** August 15, 2021, 07:31:28 AM »

A kid at our local hospital was born without eyelids...
The doctor came up with this ingenious idea.
When he circumcised the baby he took the skin and grafted it in his forehead above his eyes for eyelids.

The operation was successful, however, he has a cockeyed view for life.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35366 on:** August 15, 2021, 07:57:12 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35367 on:** August 15, 2021, 10:25:39 AM »

I bought one of those "Smart" light switches, but it was too clever for me.

So I replaced it with a dimmer switch.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35368 on:** August 15, 2021, 10:33:05 AM »

Two students were talking about their childhood.

"I was a very clever toddler. By the time I was ten months old, I could already walk."

"You call that clever?" the other said. "I managed to trick my parents into carrying me everywhere until I was three!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35369 on:** August 15, 2021, 10:37:49 AM »

I asked my girlfriend which is her favourite book, so I could get her a copy?

.

.

.

She said "A CHEQUE BOOK"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35370 on:** August 15, 2021, 10:45:24 AM »

I was chatting with my neighbour who was bragging about how clever his dog was.

He said "He knows all his toys by name, and will fetch certain items by command, he fetches my slippers, I can even send him to get the paper from the newsagent" .

I said " I know, he told me."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35371 on:** August 15, 2021, 10:54:00 AM »

What's the difference between a clever dwarf, and Usain Bolt?

Well one's a cunning runt...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35372 on:** August 15, 2021, 11:15:04 AM »

She bought a homeless man a sandwich, and a cup of coffee...

... and forgot to take a picture to post on the Internet.

Absolute waste of $5, that.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35373 on:** August 15, 2021, 12:55:15 PM »

Wind 44kph Wind Gusts 72kph Bright sunshine outside, but windier than a mule on baked beans.

The tops of the goal posts at the footy oval across the road are swinging about a foot, back and forth.

https://youtu.be/-LQRi3UBeD4

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35374 on:** August 15, 2021, 01:28:05 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5864119 times)