Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5050400 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35925 on: August 27, 2021, 05:37:18 AM »
A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a loss as to how to combat them.

“These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information, and yet, somehow, they have developed defences that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35926 on: August 27, 2021, 09:58:02 AM »
Doctors tried to figure out why blondes are stupid...
so they decided to look inside the skull of a dead one .
Upon removal of the forehead, they found nothing but a piece of string.
Confused about their discovery, they cut the string, and the ears fell off.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35927 on: August 27, 2021, 11:05:29 AM »
Just an average morning in Portland... after lunch, it rains.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35928 on: August 27, 2021, 11:35:22 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35929 on: August 27, 2021, 11:37:05 AM »
One could argue that human beings are artificial intelligences ...
But most people don’t think we’re smart enough to qualify.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35930 on: August 27, 2021, 11:54:16 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35931 on: August 27, 2021, 11:57:23 AM »
Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant
One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.

"What are you doing?!" he yells

"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back

"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"

"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear it. I have to get it back though, My teeth are in the pocket!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35932 on: August 27, 2021, 11:58:09 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35933 on: August 27, 2021, 02:23:38 PM »
My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach.

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35934 on: August 27, 2021, 02:37:11 PM »
We saw a blind man tapping his cane as he was walking at night.

My girlfriend: "What's he doing, walking when its pitch black out?"

Me: ......
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Online ruSTynutz

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35935 on: August 27, 2021, 02:42:55 PM »
My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach.

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

I can relate to that!  :whistle


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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35936 on: August 27, 2021, 02:43:59 PM »
Me too, Russ.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35937 on: August 27, 2021, 02:51:24 PM »
Rabbi fill in
A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.
The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the priest agrees to stay with him for a few minutes and show him the ropes.
They enter their half of the confessional together and soon enough, a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asks the priest.
"I have committed adultery," she replies.
"How many times?" continues the priest.
"Three times."
"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more," finishes the priest.
The woman leaves and not long after a man enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?"
"I have committed adultery."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more." The man leaves.
The rabbi tells the priest he thinks he's got it figured out now, so the priest leaves, and the rabbi waits until another woman enters the confessional, who says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do," asks the rabbi.
"I have committed adultery," she replies.
"How many times?"
"Twice."
"I tell you what," says the rabbi. "Go do it one more time and then come back.
We got a special this week, three for $5!"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35938 on: August 27, 2021, 04:24:04 PM »
I visited the RSPCA office today.

It's tiny, not even room to swing a cat in there.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35939 on: August 27, 2021, 04:40:44 PM »
If a woman tells you she's 22 and looks 18, she's 14.

If she tells you she's 26 and looks 26, she's damn near 40.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35940 on: August 27, 2021, 05:14:19 PM »
I read that Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks.

How the hell is a vending machine going to kill a shark, anyway?
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35941 on: August 27, 2021, 05:30:30 PM »
What do you call a woman who has lost 80 percent of her intelligence?

Divorced.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35942 on: August 27, 2021, 08:48:32 PM »
"Allegedly, Trump gave the Russians intelligence "

I wonder how much he had in the first place, and how little he is left with now.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35943 on: August 27, 2021, 08:51:57 PM »
A compliment on someone’s intelligence...

‘You’ve got more brains than Trumps trashcan’
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35944 on: August 27, 2021, 09:18:36 PM »
My neighbour wanted to lock his gate, but didn't want to carry around another key.

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35945 on: August 27, 2021, 09:21:10 PM »

A married man tells his wife, "Honey, after all these years, I still love seeing your butt."

She smiles and asks, "Is it because I've kept my girlish figure?"

He responds, "No, it's because it means you are walking away."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35946 on: August 27, 2021, 09:42:06 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35947 on: August 27, 2021, 09:44:29 PM »
I just figured out how to solve two of the worlds biggest problems.

We just have to convince the hungry to eat the homeless.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35948 on: August 27, 2021, 09:45:15 PM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35949 on: August 27, 2021, 09:49:04 PM »
This 60 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
She says, "I just got my check-up, and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."
She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 60 year-old ass?"
She says, "He never mentioned you."

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