Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5865832 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35025 on:** August 06, 2021, 02:02:10 PM »

My girlfriend, Lorraine, dumped me when she found out I was cheating on her with her friend, Claire Lee.

Good news, I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine has gone.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35026 on:** August 06, 2021, 02:04:45 PM »

I told my brother, "My wife ran off with my best friend Joe yesterday."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute, then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I replied "Since yesterday!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35027 on:** August 06, 2021, 02:07:39 PM »

When my friends offer me weed, but refuse to share their alcohol, I feel like I have been left high and dry.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35028 on:** August 06, 2021, 02:10:04 PM »

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”

“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training, I knew just how to handle it.
I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35029 on:** August 06, 2021, 02:55:47 PM »

Another chilly day, Reached 13 degrees a couple hours ago, but now dropped to 11.2, and feels like 3.8

Been some light sprinkles throughout the day, but not enough to register in the gauge.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35030 on:** August 06, 2021, 05:07:38 PM »

My friends wife told him to stop watching porn, saying it degrades women.

He said the joke's on her, because the porn he watches doesn't have any women in it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35031 on:** August 06, 2021, 06:21:48 PM »

My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer.

Big deal. I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35032 on:** August 06, 2021, 06:42:39 PM »

I ran into an old acquaintance from school the other day.
He always liked to brag, and the years didn't change that as he stood there telling me about how great his life is. He told me about how he landed this miracle job, he showed me pictures of his flashy Mercedes, his house in the countryside, then showed me more pictures telling me to "take a look at my gorgeous wife".

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my wife."

"Oh, is she a stunner too?", He asked.

"No, she's an optician." I replied.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35033 on:** August 06, 2021, 07:08:25 PM »

Watching the Olympic walkers... If I had to put in that much effort to walk, I would take a bus instead!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35034 on:** August 06, 2021, 07:34:23 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35035 on:** August 06, 2021, 08:07:58 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35036 on:** August 06, 2021, 09:01:16 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35037 on:** August 06, 2021, 09:02:03 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35038 on:** August 06, 2021, 09:04:17 PM »

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?

There would be mass confusion.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35039 on:** August 06, 2021, 09:27:24 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35040 on:** August 06, 2021, 09:27:52 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35041 on:** August 06, 2021, 09:28:39 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35042 on:** August 06, 2021, 09:33:48 PM »

A Grocer was arrested for drug trafficking.

An acquaintance said, "I've known this guy for years 'n years, and I didn't know he was a Grocer??"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35043 on:** August 07, 2021, 01:57:41 AM »

A bar was hosting the ‘Unbeatable’ mechanical bucking bronco with a $1000 prize for anyone that lasted more than 7 seconds without being bucked off
The night had seen all comers dispatched from the bull with ease, when a scrawny little guy stepped up.

The bull started its revolutions - 1, 2, 3, 4 seconds - most expected him to have come off.
5, 6 seconds - the crowd takes notice and starts cheering him on, as he hangs on for dear life.
7 seconds! He’s the first person to beat the bull!
The crowd goes wild as the bull slows down and the man hops off.

The bulls controller is astonished. No one had beaten the bull before.

He gives the guy $1000 and asks him what his secret was...

“My girlfriend is an epileptic.“

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35044 on:** August 07, 2021, 01:59:49 AM »

Time to feed my cats again ... They awoke me a few minutes ago.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35045 on:** August 07, 2021, 06:52:38 AM »

ENTER NOW TO WIN!

Second Prize Winner gets a two week holiday in Victoria!

First Prize Winner gets a weekend holiday in Victoria.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35046 on:** August 07, 2021, 06:56:03 AM »

A bum asked me, "Loan me $10 till payday?"

I asked, "When's payday?"

He said, "I dunno? YOU'RE the one with a job!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35047 on:** August 07, 2021, 06:58:10 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35048 on:** August 07, 2021, 07:04:26 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35049 on:** August 07, 2021, 07:20:57 AM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5865832 times)