Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[NTRebel]

One of Trumps thugs.

[Kev Murphy]

A man is at court when he asked the judge,' Your honour, what would you do if I called you a stupid, degenerate old fool?'

The judge replied, 'I'll fine you, and prevent you from ever taking a trial in front of me ever again.'

The man then asked,' What if I only thought it?'

The judge says, 'Then that's fine, people have the right to think whatever they want'

So the man says, 'Then, I think that you are a stupid, degenerate old fool!!!'

[Kev Murphy]

Usually, anyone who owns a dog calls him Rover or Spot, or some such name.
I called my dog Sex, and it got me into constant trouble.

One day when he was young, I took Sex for a walk and he slipped out of his collar and ran away.
I spent hours looking for him. A policeman came along and asked me what I was doing in an alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex.

That was my first court appearance.

One day I went to the town hall to get my dog registered. I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex.
He said he would like one too.
When I told him he didn't understand, that it was a dog, he said he didn't care what she looked like.
Again I said he didn't understand, and that I had had Sex since I was 5 years old. He said I must have been a strong boy.

When I decided to get married, I told he minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the ceremony.
I said that Sex had played a big part in my life, and my whole lifestyle revolved around Sex.
He said he didn't want to hear about it, and he would not allow us to have Sex in the church.
I told him all my friends and relatives coming to the church would enjoy having Sex there.
He barred the lot of us, and we had to get married in the Registry Office.

Of course, my wife and I took Sex along with us on our honeymoon, and when I checked into the Motel I told the clerk we wanted and extra room for Sex.
The clerk said every room was for Sex.
I said you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.
And the clerk said "Yeah, me too."

When my wife and I divorced, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married," he replied, "Me too."

Well now I have been thrown in jail, been married, divorced, and had more darn troubles with that dog than I ever bargained on.

Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist she asked me what seemed to be the trouble.
I replied that Sex had died, and left my life. It was like losing my best friend.

She said, "You should buy a dog."

[Kev Murphy]

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, but lock our useless junk in the garage??

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But... Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Why do we use answering machines to screen calls, and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone that we didn't want to talk to in the first place?

[Kev Murphy]

Dissatisfied with the Christianity of Europe in 1800's, the composer Franz Joseph Haydn turned his eye to the religions of the east, and after much soul searching, he converted to Sikhism late in his life.

It would be the last thing he did.

Official reports say that after his conversion, the composer mysteriously vanished and was never seen again.

In honour of this great musician, the people of Haydn's native Austria invented a game to be played to commemorate him, a game which became so popular, it spread across the world and remains an enduring classic to this day.

That game, of course, is Haydn Sikh.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

How much do bright pink bike leathers cost?


Your dignity.

[Kev Murphy]

An English Lord of the Manor returned home early from his grouse shoot to find his wife having sex in bed with his best friend, the local MP.
‘How could you, Miranda?’ he cried. ‘After everything I’ve done for you. I’ve given you this beautiful house, I’ve always provided you with the most expensive clothes and jewels, I bought you a Ferrari for your birthday, I’ve tried to be a kind husband, and this is how you repay me?!’

Hearing this, the wife burst into tears.

The Lord then turned to the MP: ‘And as for you, Reggie, you might at least have the decency to stop and pay attention to me while I’m speaking!’

[Kev Murphy]

I just realized that never, is a contraction of 'not ever'.
And blush, is a contraction of 'blood rush'.

And studying, is a contraction of 'student dying'.

[Kev Murphy]

A conceited couple were having sex
The conceited woman said "I sure am tight, aren't I?"
Conceited man said, "No, just full."

[Kev Murphy]

Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.

[Kev Murphy]

My Doctor said that he wanted me to wear a Fitbit to record my exercise activity.

No way! Not on my watch, buddy!

[Kev Murphy]

A wife walks in on her husband playing on his PlayStation.
"The house is still filthy! I thought I asked you to sweep the house!" she says.

"I did" replied the husband, "I found no hostiles"

[Kev Murphy]

 Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.
the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*

*"Armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*

*"They gave me ten years, chance of parole after eight.."*
the large guy says, his face looking even more down.

the large guy then looks back to the smaller guy, and then asks
*"What about you then, what are you in for?"*

*"Me? oh I'm in for ten accounts of homicide, two by blunt force trauma and eight by strangulation."*
the small guy answers.

the large guy, with a surprised look then says *"Damn.. how long did they give you?"*

*"three days."* the small guy answered smugly


*"What!? What do you mean they only gave you three days!?"*
the large guy yells out, astonished at such a sentence.


the small guy then nods and says *"Aye, they're hanging me on Tuesday"*

[Kev Murphy]

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to have contractions! I need you to drive to the hospital!”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “OK, I’m at the hospital, what do you want me to do now?!”

[Kev Murphy]

Speaking of hospitals, I'm off to get my first covid shot in an hour...

[Kev Murphy]

Home again, had my first jab. Now a 3 months wait til the second one.

Nice outside, 13.6 degrees feels like 6.1 with a northerly breeze, with light clouds about 3 hours away.
No rain in past 24 hours, and none forecast for today.

I would go for a ride, but bike needs a tune and goes in tomorrow.

[ruSTynutz]

I'm off for a ride shortly, Kev... 

While the weather is fine I thought I'd spray some Round-up around the yard which ended up being a bad move as the hose separated from the actual spray nozzle, drenching me in Round-up so I've now had to strip off and head for the shower! Grrrr...

[Kev Murphy]

No flies weeds on you, Russ.