Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5864077 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35375 on:** August 15, 2021, 02:07:14 PM »

Why the quote marks? Or is this just sarcasm from the California Police?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35376 on:** August 15, 2021, 02:20:26 PM »

The digital clock said to the analogue clock "Hey, look! .. no hands!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35377 on:** August 15, 2021, 04:32:19 PM »

I got pulled over for speeding today, and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"

He chuckled, "Just hold on to it, and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35378 on:** August 15, 2021, 04:40:48 PM »

Husband proudly announces to his wife:
- "Honey, I decided that it is time for me to drastically change my life position!"

Wife, who knows him better than anyone, sarcastically asks:
-"Are you sure sitting on the TV and watching the sofa is a good idea?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35379 on:** August 15, 2021, 04:44:01 PM »

A man is hit by a car on a crosswalk.
The driver gets out in a hurry and asks "Are you alright?"

The victim replied "No, I think you broke my arm."

The driver points towards a medical clinic; "You're lucky, there's a doctor there that can help you!"

The victim makes a sarcastic face.

"I know, I'm the doctor."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35380 on:** August 15, 2021, 04:49:03 PM »

A guy in an old, cheap car stopped at a gas station beside the latest Mercedes driven by a rich man.
The first guy says "that's a nice car you got here, but my car is better".
The second guy smiles and asks calmly "and how it is better?"
The guy replies "well, my car comes with a genie"
The guy with the Mercedes sarcastically asks "a genie?".
The guy says "I'll show you" . He opens the driver's door and rubs the steering wheel and a genie appears!
The guy asks the genie to get them two coffees and immediately two coffees were there.
The Mercedes guy, blown away he says wow!
With a face full of unspoken questions, the other guy says "You can take my car in exchange for yours?".
The guy with no thinking, says "Deal!"
The guy took the newest Mercedes and drives away, the other rushes into the old car, rubbing the steering wheel impatiently until the genie appeared.
The guy asks the genie for the latest Mercedes like he had, and 10 million dollars.
The genie says "Whoa, buddy ... I only make coffees!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35381 on:** August 15, 2021, 04:51:48 PM »

A girl is out with her friend when says,
"Hey, do you see what I see over at that motel?!?"
the friend replies, "no, what is it?"

In anger she says to her friend, "That's my dad's car! I know it's my dad's car because the license ends in 0 and has the university sticker that I put on it. I can't believe it. Mom's at home taking care of the house and that no good, two-timing dad of mine is having an affair!"

Her friend says,"So...now what?"

"Come with me," says the daughter. They go over to the parking lot, pick up some bricks and bash the lights, bash a window, they key the car and slash the tires. "That'll teach my dad to think twice before he goes out and cheats on my mother!"

The two friends go off and enjoy the rest of the evening and later the daughter comes home to find her dad watching TV, very upset.

"Something bothering you dad?" she asks sarcastically, "you seem to be upset."

He says, "Course I'm upset, I let your mother borrow the car today, and she brought it back totally trashed?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35382 on:** August 15, 2021, 04:57:09 PM »

"I love these black tie do's," I said to my wife.

She replied "Just get ready for my mothers funeral will you, you sarcastic mongrel"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35383 on:** August 15, 2021, 04:59:06 PM »

Laughing scale

Ha – Mildly amusing

Haha – Funny

Hahaha – Sarcastic laugh

Ha ha ha ha – Stayin alive, stayin alive ....

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35384 on:** August 15, 2021, 05:06:03 PM »

Back in 1920's...
...Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities)

She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says,

"Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here."

"What do you mean?" she answers confused.

"Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews'

"Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish."

"Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions...Who is our lord and savior?"

"Why, Jesus, of course..." she answers without hesitation.

"Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks.

"In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger."

"Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?"

"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35385 on:** August 15, 2021, 06:22:55 PM »

Rain showers started again, had around 1mm since 5pm today. Still windy, but gusts have dropped to about 60kpm.
Temp now 12, feels like 5 after a top of 16 today.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35386 on:** August 15, 2021, 06:34:09 PM »

Looks like Melbourne lockdown will be extended yet again.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35387 on:** August 15, 2021, 08:08:13 PM »

The class was asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"

Little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35388 on:** August 15, 2021, 08:25:15 PM »

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35389 on:** August 15, 2021, 08:27:17 PM »

If your digital multimeter gives a bogus reading, try it again.

It's probably a Fluke.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35390 on:** August 15, 2021, 08:30:12 PM »

Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach.

When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed.
I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"
"Sure," she said, "but it'll be about ten minutes before my shift finishes."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35391 on:** August 15, 2021, 08:35:46 PM »

The rest of the world.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #35392 on:** August 15, 2021, 08:39:47 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 15, 2021, 12:55:15 PM

Wind 44kph Wind Gusts 72kph Bright sunshine outside, but windier than a mule on baked beans.

The tops of the goal posts at the footy oval across the road are swinging about a foot, back and forth.

https://youtu.be/-LQRi3UBeD4

Much the same here, Kev....it really was blowing like a b*st*rd!

We'd sort of planned on going for a ride seeing as it was a glorious day otherwise but we quickly changed our minds when we found out how windy it actually was so ended up heading off in the car instead.
As things turned out it was a really good move as there were branches and debris scattered all over the roads we travelled on...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35393 on:** August 15, 2021, 09:45:36 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35394 on:** August 15, 2021, 10:03:39 PM »

By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35395 on:** August 15, 2021, 10:10:37 PM »

Bad Children's Books Titles

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of Nort- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
6. "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
7. "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
8. "Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"
9. "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
10. "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35396 on:** August 15, 2021, 11:49:01 PM »

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.
He turned on the jockey.
"Flaherty, could you not have run faster?"
"To be sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35397 on:** August 15, 2021, 11:55:15 PM »

In her book, Hillary says she and President Clinton kept their marriage together through counselling.

Yeah, that, and living in different cities and rarely seeing each other helped a lot.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35398 on:** August 15, 2021, 11:56:54 PM »

My friends dad always brags that his was the first profession to go fully digital.

He’s a proctologist.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35399 on:** August 16, 2021, 12:00:29 AM »

Trump claims that in the last month, he has created 300,000 new jobs.

Yeah, they're called Trump presidential campaign workers.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5864077 times)