Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5863835 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35450 on:** August 17, 2021, 07:34:34 AM »

The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave!"

I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35451 on:** August 17, 2021, 07:39:39 AM »

Ummm ... WHUT?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35452 on:** August 17, 2021, 07:44:50 AM »

Lockdown blues.

Weird that Banks are now only open from 10am til 2pm?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35453 on:** August 17, 2021, 07:47:05 AM »

My neighbour cancelled his Netflix account.

Bloody annoying, because there's nothing to watch on free TV?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35454 on:** August 17, 2021, 08:14:42 AM »

I asked the librarian if she knew who authored any books on dinosaurs?

She said, "Try Sarah Topps."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35455 on:** August 17, 2021, 09:03:41 AM »

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs.

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35456 on:** August 17, 2021, 10:34:14 AM »

I think my wife likes winter.

I saw her plastering cold cream on her face.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35457 on:** August 17, 2021, 10:37:30 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35458 on:** August 17, 2021, 11:52:33 AM »

It was so cold here Sunday that I saw a hitch hiker holding up a picture of a thumb.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35459 on:** August 17, 2021, 12:00:34 PM »

It's been reported that Paris Hilton frequently takes off her engagement ring, and lets it be passed around for different people to touch.

Paris says, 'I want my ring to have the same experiences that I've had.'

She has no idea how many people have fingered her ring.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35460 on:** August 17, 2021, 12:42:19 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35461 on:** August 17, 2021, 02:30:02 PM »

We paint Easter eggs, because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35462 on:** August 17, 2021, 02:41:42 PM »

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35463 on:** August 17, 2021, 02:43:00 PM »

A deaf-mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole at St. Andrews
He hands one of the players a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”

The player, a total jerk, shakes his head no and points the deaf-mute to go back and wait his turn.

A few holes later, the jerk gets hit in the head by a golf ball while standing in the fairway.

In excruciating pain and pissed off, he turns around and sees the deaf-mute holding up four fingers.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35464 on:** August 17, 2021, 02:44:08 PM »

During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I already got my four Sir."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35465 on:** August 17, 2021, 02:47:18 PM »

"Have you got any books on turtles?", the boy asked the librarian.
"Hard back?" she queried.
"Yes, with little heads."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35466 on:** August 17, 2021, 03:08:23 PM »

So, today is Tuesday, where we postpone until tomorrow what we should have done yesterday.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35467 on:** August 17, 2021, 05:33:39 PM »

I'd give my left hand to be ambidextrous.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35468 on:** August 17, 2021, 06:55:43 PM »

Worst foursome in golf history

1. Stormy Daniels
2. O. J. Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton

Why? You ask

1. Stormy is a hooker.
2. O. J. is a slicer.
3. Ted can't drive over water, and
4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last..

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35469 on:** August 17, 2021, 08:48:10 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35470 on:** August 17, 2021, 08:51:38 PM »

When I got home, my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, "We were just talking about having a foursome, if you're up to it... ?"

2 minutes later I returned naked...

... and they were all holding tennis rackets.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35471 on:** August 17, 2021, 09:07:12 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35472 on:** August 17, 2021, 09:07:40 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35473 on:** August 17, 2021, 09:08:10 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35474 on:** August 17, 2021, 09:13:44 PM »

My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It is all under control. It's been very busy. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favour?" He asked.

I said "Of course, What is it?"

"Can you pick up the pace a little? I'm in the foursome on the tee behind you."

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5863835 times)