Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed
To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board.
After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father, with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The father put it on and jumped from the falling plane.

"So, it's me or you now, eh?", said one of the two men still on the plane

"Oh, just take a parachute and jump," said the other one

"But then you'll die"

"Nah, dude, I'll just take the second parachute"

"What do you mean? You just gave it to that guy that jumped."

"I gave him the backpack where we kept the food. After all, he said he's got kids to feed."

[Kev Murphy]

Everywhere is walking distance, if you have the time.

[Kev Murphy]

The Obituaries section of my local newspaper is quite concerning-

-everyone seems to be dying in alphabetical order?

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age.
The reporter asks "Do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "You know, I'm not sure? Let me go ask my dad".

And the reporter, stunned, stammers "Y-your dad? Where is he right now??"

The old man says "Not sure .. but I think he's out fishing with grandpa".

[Kev Murphy]

Australian Health Care today.

[Kev Murphy]

After they manufacture Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

A young man was shopping in a department store.
He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "She also needs a bra and panties."

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?"
The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything.
"I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?"
Again the boy doesn't say anything.
The man is getting angry at this point and says "D-damnit boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?"
The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off.

Another man comes up and asks the kid why he didn't answer, and the boy says "And d-do w-w-what? Get the cr-crap k-kicked out of me?"

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

Abraham wandered into Sam’s pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.
“How much would you pay for this jacket?”

Sam checked it over. “$20, and that’s the best” he replied.

“But that jacket is worth at least $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”

“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Abe.

“Positive”

“Okay,” said Abe. "Here’s your $20.  The jacket was hanging in your doorway, and I was wondering how much it was worth.”

[Kev Murphy]

She told me that I better start treating her like a princess.

So I flew her to Paris, got her drunk, and drove her into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.

[Kev Murphy]

A cruise ship sank in the middle of the ocean...
The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats.

A woman asks the captain: "How far is the nearest land?"
The captain answers :"5 km."
The woman asks: "In which direction?"
The captain replied :"Down"

[Kev Murphy]

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.

[Kev Murphy]

A blonde went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $8.00, children $2.50.

So she said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

[Kev Murphy]

Under ScoMo's new health care plan, you can get free coverage for pre-existing conditions, as long as they don't require any treatment.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

“Weird Al” Yankovic on Tuesday rejected fans’ requests for a “My Corona” parody about the deadly coronavirus.

It would have gone viral.

[Kev Murphy]

[Kev Murphy]

A woman was talking with a doctor about the best material for a homemade mask
"Doc, what is the best material to use for a homemade mask?"

Doctor- "If you must make one at hone I’d recommend an old shirt. Although buying a N95 would be the best."

"What would be the worst things to use?"

Doctor- "Obviously anything that would smother you, for example, plastic wrap, trash bag and one even worse option would be a handkerchief from Bill Cosby’s house."

[Kev Murphy]

Pawnshop wisdom.

I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.

"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.

"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If you're buying it from me, it's a violin."

[Kev Murphy]

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 90 km/h...