Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5861628 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35850 on:** August 25, 2021, 04:35:35 PM »

I bought these novelty runners.

Its so damn funny listening to my neighbour complaining about stray dogs crapping in his yard.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35851 on:** August 25, 2021, 04:43:59 PM »

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing, not a word...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35852 on:** August 25, 2021, 04:46:08 PM »

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35853 on:** August 25, 2021, 04:52:31 PM »

Only two days till Friday! Time to plan a party!

Just kidding, hard to party on my own during lockdown.

Desperate Dan is already making noises about extending the lockdown past the current date of Sept 2nd.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35854 on:** August 25, 2021, 04:53:57 PM »

Freaks out the Garbo.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35855 on:** August 25, 2021, 05:03:32 PM »

I flipped my canoe over, and wore it as a hat for awhile.

It's cap-sized

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35856 on:** August 25, 2021, 06:06:11 PM »

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Nothing

Tech support: Could you follow the cords on your computer and make sure none are frayed?

User: (rustles about for a minute, and then) They're both fine.

Tech support thinks "Both? There should be more than two on a computer" so he says to the user: Where do those cords go?

User: One goes to the wall, the other goes to the space heater.

Tech support: And where do your keyboard and mouse go to?

User: Oh! Those go to the space heater as well.

Tech support: (facepalm) Try plugging the "space heater" back in, and then press the button.

User: Oh! Now the computer works

The tech support guy hung up and typed in the log "Problem solved: IQ conflict"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35857 on:** August 25, 2021, 06:07:29 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35858 on:** August 25, 2021, 06:08:34 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35859 on:** August 25, 2021, 07:07:55 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35860 on:** August 25, 2021, 07:38:49 PM »

You have heard of 'tit for tat'?

I have an over abundance of tat, where do I go to exchange it?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35861 on:** August 25, 2021, 08:00:32 PM »

Whoa! here's a memory from way back in 1968, about October I think?

We were on a recreational break in Vungers, and an unknown drunken loud mouthed obnoxious yank attached himself to our group.
After a few beers, we decided to go to a tattoo artist to get a couple of small simple tatts, he decided he wanted a 'stars and stripes' flag across his shoulders. We paid the tattoo guy under the counter to put an Aussie flag there instead, and then got the hell out of there and back to our unit.

Never heard anymore about it?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35862 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:06:12 PM »

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replied, "I'll have a bottle of bud, and an orange juice for the jackass".

The barman looks at the guy puzzled, but says nothing and gives the guy his drink. This happens twice more.

A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar.
This time, she orders the drinks.

The barman gets the drinks and says, "It's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you, because I don't think it's very nice for him to call you that".

The woman turned to him and smiled and said...
"Oh, don't worry about it, it's ok - heaw, heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35863 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:17:25 PM »

I went shopping, with organic vegetables on my list.

I wish they had better lighting in the supermarket, because when I got home, I had double glazed donuts instead.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35864 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:26:42 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35865 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:27:50 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35866 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:29:51 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35867 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:30:37 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35868 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:31:14 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35869 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:46:44 PM »

In a hospital you can find someone having the best day of their life, the worst day of their life, the first day of their life, and the last day of their life, all under one roof!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35870 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:49:25 PM »

Shadows- Light has travelled millions of miles through space from the sun, only to be stopped a few feet from the ground by you.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35871 on:** August 25, 2021, 09:54:07 PM »

A sex-reassignment specialist is trying to simplify the names of surgical procedures...
He takes his nurse aside and explains "Lots of people come in here and get confused and intimidated by the medical jargon we use to explain the operations. From now on I want you to call male-to-female procedures "misterectomies".

The nurse is somewhat perturbed, but the specialist reassures her, saying all the doctors are doing it but they're still working out standardized names.

Just then a patient walks up looking a little embarrassed. The specialist asks her what's wrong, and she says she's been referred to him by another doctor for a procedure. The specialist guides her to a chair and asks her for clarification.

The woman blushes and stammers "I'm not sure if I'm saying this right, but I'm here for my addadictome."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35872 on:** August 25, 2021, 10:05:27 PM »

A man was traveling through the desert on his camel
The sun was shining hot and unforgiving and the man was sweating immensely.

"oh i cant bear this sun, its so hot"

Suddenly a guy on a bicycle rides past him with insane speed. The man on the camel is shocked and surprised how the man can ride so fast in this heat.

After an hour he arrives at an oasis and suddenly sees the guy on the bicycle sitting there. He goes over to him and asks:

"Hey i saw you riding past me, you were so fast! How did you do this? i can barely ride on my camel in this heat!"

"oh it's easy" the man says " i ride so fast that the wind is cooling me down, it's very nice and refreshing!"

"i have to try this too" the man sad and jumped back on his camel and let it walk faster. A small breeze was there. " oh that's nice, but it is still so hot."

So he orders his camel to run faster.

"Ah that's nice, but still warm."

He presses his camel to run even faster.

"Wow this is really refreshing and cooling, but i think there is more possible."

He presses his legs to order the camel to run even faster and faster and sees how cool it can get.

Suddenly after 10 mins the camel stops, drops, and is dead.

"Oh no!", the man said, "Poor bugger froze to death!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35873 on:** August 25, 2021, 10:16:15 PM »

I've gotten so lazy during lockdown, I fitted a snooze button to my smoke detector.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35874 on:** August 25, 2021, 11:09:01 PM »

I went down to the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it"

She said "Those are pickled onions"

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5861628 times)