Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5861877 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36051 on:** August 30, 2021, 10:38:56 AM »

You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that.
How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark?
People don't have that kind of time?
Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule a bit.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36052 on:** August 30, 2021, 10:43:03 AM »

An honest 7-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?," gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three other girls helped me catch him."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36053 on:** August 30, 2021, 10:46:05 AM »

God was showing off the mountains he made to his angels...
He showed them the Alps, the Himalayas, and the Pyrenees.

Impressed, the first angel said "That's nice, got any more?"

God replied, "Oh yeah, Andes ones, also!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36054 on:** August 30, 2021, 10:59:04 AM »

On his recent visit to England Trump is very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty...

While having dinner seated next to the Queen he announces boldly that from here on in, he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"
The Queen shakes her head and says somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".
A bit defeated and a bit petulantly Trump retries... "Then I want the USA to be called the Principality of the Americas!"
Queen Elizabeth rolls her eyes and tsks pitifully and says, "But Donald... you are not a Prince."
"A Monarchy?" Donald asks pleadingly, now rather dejected and a tear forming in his eye.
"Not a Monarch", the Queen snaps now more than a little exasperated...
"Then what can I call it?" Donald whines.
After a few moments the Queen replies, somewhat smugly... "With you in charge, I think you should stick to calling it a Country, it fits perfectly ".

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36055 on:** August 30, 2021, 11:02:21 AM »

A violinist notices that he can't keep his violin in tune...
He asks the conductor of his orchestra to help.
"Take it to Opporknockety," says the conductor. "He is a violin expert."

The violinist packs his things and makes the trek to the Swiss Alps where the expert lives.
Sure enough, Opporknockety fixes the problem and the violin sounds great.

A few years later, the violinist notices that his instrument is once again failing to keep in tune.
The violinist says to his conductor, "I guess I'll have to take it back to Opporknockety?"
"No, you can't, " says the conductor," "Opporknockety only Tunes once."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36056 on:** August 30, 2021, 11:35:38 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36057 on:** August 30, 2021, 11:38:11 AM »

A man goes to the mechanic.
He says "My car goes rr- rr-rr-"
The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

The man frowns and says "My car goes rr-rr-rr-"
The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

The man looks angry and says "Would you l-let me ff-finish! I have a ss-stutter.
My car goes rr-rr-rr-really slowly uphill!"

The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36058 on:** August 30, 2021, 01:40:32 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 30, 2021, 08:03:38 AM

Daniel Spamdrews has done it again! Lockdown extended.

Obviously he wants to kill all businesses in this State, and of course, in having the power to do so.
He is enthralled with his own perceived self-importance.

Time to replace him.

What choice did he have, Kev?

We can see what happens when you don't have lockdowns or you are late locking down as with ol' Gladys and NSW...and with vaccinations still way below par the State isn't yet ready to open up!

Frustrating I know, but we just have to suck it up...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36059 on:** August 30, 2021, 02:31:08 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36060 on:** August 30, 2021, 02:38:52 PM »

The other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts."

Well, of course, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

I'd be really pissed off if I opened the packet, and a socket set fell out!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36061 on:** August 30, 2021, 02:41:52 PM »

I parked my car outside parliament.
"Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."
"Don't worry, I've locked it."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36062 on:** August 30, 2021, 02:55:48 PM »

They're making us pay a fortune for electricity, ya know.
They reckon we should save the planet, save electricity and all that sort of stuff.
Oh, yeah, I'm loving this crap they're coming out with!
You got the Chinese bellowing out to build new coal-fired power stations daily, the Americans are driving about in gas burning 4x4 Humvees, Las Vegas is lit up 24/7 like a giant Christmas tree,
... but they reckon that if I switch off this little standby button on my TV...?????

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36063 on:** August 30, 2021, 03:03:31 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36064 on:** August 30, 2021, 03:41:34 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36065 on:** August 30, 2021, 03:47:53 PM »

Halloween is not necessary this year.

I have been wearing a mask and eating candy for the past ten months.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36066 on:** August 30, 2021, 03:52:15 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36067 on:** August 30, 2021, 05:38:07 PM »

How many Australian Parliament representatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question. You have to have a brain to change a lightbulb.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36068 on:** August 30, 2021, 05:40:45 PM »

I love restaurants. And that's the thing now, they always boast about restaurants: "Home-made cooking."
I don't want home-made cooking. That's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the crap at home! Yeah... you know!
And they don't say whose home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36069 on:** August 30, 2021, 05:56:44 PM »

Mark Zuckerberg refused a formal appearance before Parliament.

He couldn't find a tux with a hoodie.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36070 on:** August 30, 2021, 06:23:23 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36071 on:** August 30, 2021, 06:59:37 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36072 on:** August 30, 2021, 07:17:55 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36073 on:** August 30, 2021, 07:19:21 PM »

Putin, Medvedev, and a few other members of the cabinet and parliament walk into a restaurant...
They get seated, and the waiter asks Putin:

– What would you like to eat, sir?

– I'll have some meat.

– And how about the vegetables, sir?

– They will also have some meat.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36074 on:** August 30, 2021, 07:20:42 PM »

Our parents had to walk uphill both ways in 2 feet of snow to get to school...

But they didn't have to dodge bullets when they got there.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5861877 times)