Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862391 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36175 on:** September 02, 2021, 05:38:05 PM »

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "You're under arrest."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36176 on:** September 02, 2021, 06:33:51 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36177 on:** September 02, 2021, 06:40:48 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36178 on:** September 02, 2021, 06:54:26 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36179 on:** September 02, 2021, 06:55:05 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36180 on:** September 02, 2021, 11:11:42 PM »

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.
This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "Keep off the grass."

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing, which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36181 on:** September 02, 2021, 11:21:40 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36182 on:** September 03, 2021, 12:13:57 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36183 on:** September 03, 2021, 02:49:33 AM »

This morning I was in luck, and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bevvy, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, her bra-less boobs damn near falling out her skimpy top, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

I thought for a few seconds, then asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36184 on:** September 03, 2021, 03:08:44 AM »

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, "Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this."
With that she sat down, very red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Dr. Parker.
"And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36185 on:** September 03, 2021, 03:26:21 AM »

After the sermon was over, one member of the congregation had lingered after the other members had shook hands with the minister on their way out.
The minister recognized the young man, as one whom he had married a couple of months before.
As the young man shook hands with the minister, he asked, "Reverend, do you believe someone should profit from the mistakes of others?"
"Certainly not!" replied the preacher.
"Well...in that case...could I have the $50 back that I gave you for marrying me?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36186 on:** September 03, 2021, 03:29:42 AM »

My sister is taking part in a social experiment.

She has to wear a “Daniel Andrews is doing his Best“ t-shirt for 2 weeks, and see how people react.

So far she’s been spat on, punched, kicked in the backside, and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36187 on:** September 03, 2021, 03:38:20 AM »

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mothers looking at her, so she says, "Vitamins. Good for mummy-" She pats her stomach. "-and good for little baby."

The second mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mothers looking at her, so she says, "Essential minerals. Good for mummy-" She pats her stomach. "-and good for little baby."

The third mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting.
She sees the other two mothers looking at her, so she says, "Thalidomide." She shrugs. "I can't knit sleeves."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36188 on:** September 03, 2021, 03:41:02 AM »

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me...

...than a frontal lobotomy.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36189 on:** September 03, 2021, 06:27:30 AM »

Once my friends bakery burned down…His business is toast.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36190 on:** September 03, 2021, 06:37:26 AM »

Two men were bartering over a marble slab.

A lot of counter-offers were made.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36191 on:** September 03, 2021, 10:39:38 AM »

10.30 am, 11 degrees outside (feels like 5.5) and its raining.
Had 3mm overnight, and another 2mm since 9am this morning.
Most of the bad weather passed south of here, out to sea.

And all this after a glorious 26 degrees yesterday.

NTRebel · « **Reply #36192 on:** September 03, 2021, 11:10:19 AM »

14.8 feels like 11.8 and copping your rain here Kev.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36193 on:** September 03, 2021, 01:28:13 PM »

Rain finally eased, 4.5mm since 9am. Much heavier to the east towards Melbourne.
Still more coming. 11 degrees, feels like 8 at 1.30pm

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36194 on:** September 03, 2021, 02:00:16 PM »

Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36195 on:** September 03, 2021, 02:08:07 PM »

A lawyer's wife dies.
At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L. L. D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice,"

Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears.

His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!"

Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand!
They left out my phone number!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36196 on:** September 03, 2021, 02:15:08 PM »

Took me awhile to find out what a snail was doing on my wet driveway.

Almost an inch per minute.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36197 on:** September 03, 2021, 03:26:31 PM »

These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...

I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36198 on:** September 03, 2021, 05:51:18 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36199 on:** September 03, 2021, 05:53:43 PM »

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?"
He got this reply... "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.
Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862391 times)