Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862920 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36250 on:** September 05, 2021, 07:53:39 AM »

The bottle of sunscreen lotion I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 applications"

False advertising I thought, but then, they have never seen the size of my wife.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36251 on:** September 05, 2021, 08:11:22 AM »

In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble
In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36252 on:** September 05, 2021, 12:25:21 PM »

GET ... ME ... OUTTA ... HERE !!!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36253 on:** September 05, 2021, 12:48:05 PM »

A woman was selling cakes down on the corner.

She said they were all hoe made.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36254 on:** September 05, 2021, 01:26:58 PM »

Me, to my neighbour: "Sorry I ran over your cat when I was trying to back out. Here, I baked a cake for you."

My neighbour: "You did WHAT?"

Me: "Baked a cake for you."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36255 on:** September 05, 2021, 02:03:16 PM »

Don't touch me ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36256 on:** September 05, 2021, 03:24:24 PM »

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like?"
I said "I'll just have one please"
She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite"
"Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you fat cow"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36257 on:** September 05, 2021, 05:48:59 PM »

Do you believe in love at first sight?

How about misery after three years?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36258 on:** September 05, 2021, 05:58:32 PM »

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body?

One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36259 on:** September 05, 2021, 08:08:34 PM »

I looked at the suggested serving size on a packet of chocolate covered biscuits: Two biscuits.

Who the hell eats only two chocolate covered biscuits?

I eat Tim Tams by the packet. Two packets is a serving size.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36260 on:** September 05, 2021, 08:09:51 PM »

If laziness were an Olympic discipline...

... I'd want to finish 4th, so I wouldn't have to climb the medals podium...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36261 on:** September 05, 2021, 08:11:58 PM »

You watch a fishing show on TV. At the end, they roll credits.
There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing??
And one of the credits is 'film editor.'
This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36262 on:** September 05, 2021, 08:19:42 PM »

I’ve learned a very valuable lesson today, as a parent.

Pretending that you don’t know your kids in public, is much easier than trying to discipline them.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36263 on:** September 06, 2021, 12:00:24 AM »

And just like that, another week has gone by.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36264 on:** September 06, 2021, 01:58:13 AM »

The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks.

Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36265 on:** September 06, 2021, 03:15:19 AM »

A list of things that helicopters do in movies.

1. explode
2. crash

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36266 on:** September 06, 2021, 03:33:04 AM »

As Trump and Melania fly over DC, he says to Melania:

"Look, there are a million Trump fans gathered in the streets to wave to me."

She says: "No, Donald, there are five million. But they are only waving with one finger each."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36267 on:** September 06, 2021, 11:38:10 AM »

If Cinderella's shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off in the first place?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36268 on:** September 06, 2021, 02:32:33 PM »

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism?

Single cell organisms already have a wall.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36269 on:** September 06, 2021, 08:05:15 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36270 on:** September 06, 2021, 08:06:03 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36271 on:** September 06, 2021, 08:09:29 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36272 on:** September 06, 2021, 08:11:36 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36273 on:** September 06, 2021, 08:19:59 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36274 on:** September 06, 2021, 08:46:04 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862920 times)