I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.
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Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
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A man walks into a New Zealand pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound Kiwi, "I'm from across the Tasman," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Tasman?".
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
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Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some one's sent me a magnifying glass!
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
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An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too
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Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my back side !
Do you think I should change dentists?
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A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect?
You’re in a wheel chair.
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.
