Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street. Murphy falls in hole and hurts himself. He calls out, "Paddy, call me an ambulance".
Paddy starts jumping up and down clapping his hands yelling, "Murphy's an ambulance, Murphy's an ambulance".
.
Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
.
Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn.
At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.
Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God!
All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead.
They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the Irish priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"
..
Four irish priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first irish priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next irish priest slowly starts "Wellll... with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth irish priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn."
He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge? Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor.
Sure now, we only have a carport. The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up? No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed.
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices? Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have. "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.
Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?
Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.
..
Paddy wakes up in hospital, covered in bandages, and notices Seamus sitting at his bedside. "What happened to me?" asks Paddy.
"Well," replies Seamus, "you had a few too many drinks last night, and then you made a bet that you could jump out of the window and fly around the pub."
"Why didn't you stop me?" Paddy screams.
"Stop you?" replies Seamus. "Hell, I bet twenty-five dollars on you."
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff.
So first, the Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows.
Then the Scotsman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay.
Finally the Irishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, crap!"
..
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all walking along together when they encounter a slide in front of a magic pool.
The Englishman decides to give it a try and shouts as he slides down "Beer!" and lands in a pool of beer.
The Scotsman sees this and has a go himself. As he slides down cries out "Whiskey!", and lands in a pool of whiskey.
The Irishman, having seen this, decides to have a go to, as it looks like fun. As he slides down, he cries out "Weeeeeee!"
..
Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:
"Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?"
"Hang on, Sister," spluttered Murphy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?"
"Very well," said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!"
"OK," said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.
"I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?"
"My God," said the barman, "that nun's not outside again is she?"
..
