Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862098 times)

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36154 on:** September 02, 2021, 12:55:58 PM »

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".
Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious,” the caretaker says, "He’s decomposing."

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36155 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:06:02 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36156 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:33:28 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36157 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:34:08 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36158 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:35:35 PM »

I was visiting a Buddhist temple last week
Just for a tour, when I got there, there was a temple and a small market outside.

The place was amazing, so I decided to go and have a look at the small market outside it. When I got there, I noticed a small piece of paper on the floor, and it had a barcode on it and it read "One free blessing for the afterlife".

So I decided to go to the stall with the blessings and redeem this token, the guy scanned my token and replied "Oh, this token has already been used", so I just offered to pay the small fee instead, to which he replied "Nah, it's fine, when has reused material ever stopped anybody from getting free karma here before anyway?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36159 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:37:48 PM »

"Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after my operation?"

"Of course you will."

"HOT DAMN!... Because I couldn't before!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36160 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:39:55 PM »

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36161 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:40:24 PM »

OUR DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG: PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM!!!

YES, HE BIT SIX PEOPLE WEARING LABOR T-SHIRTS, FOUR PEOPLE WEARING GREEN’S T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH RAP MUSIC BLARING FROM
THEIR VEHICLES, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR ASS CRACKS, THREE FLAG BURNERS, AND AN INDIAN TAXI DRIVER...

FOR THE LAST BLOODY TIME. . .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!!!

NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36162 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:41:59 PM »

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36163 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:43:30 PM »

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36164 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:45:39 PM »

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36165 on:** September 02, 2021, 01:46:55 PM »

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36166 on:** September 02, 2021, 02:31:30 PM »

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet.
The vet found the problem was hair in the dog’s ears and upon cleaning both ears, the dog could hear fine.
He told the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the chemist and get some
“Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

So the lady went to the chemist and purchased some “Nair” hair remover.
At the counter the chemist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
The lady replied, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The chemist then said, “If you are using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady smiled, “I’m not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.”
“Well,” said the chemist, “stay off your bicycle for a week.”

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36167 on:** September 02, 2021, 02:41:52 PM »

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36168 on:** September 02, 2021, 02:45:05 PM »

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if
she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best.

The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to look in the
freezer, my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt and
made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in Heaven", said the Angel.

The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it in Aldi either!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36169 on:** September 02, 2021, 02:47:14 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36170 on:** September 02, 2021, 02:47:38 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36171 on:** September 02, 2021, 02:49:47 PM »

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guinness, being from Ireland and all"

The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out real beer, then neither am I."

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #36172 on:** September 02, 2021, 02:51:17 PM »

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was
as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this...first I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit
and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36173 on:** September 02, 2021, 03:21:33 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #36174 on:** September 02, 2021, 05:33:23 PM »

5.30 pm, and still 25 degrees, feels like 23. Should drop to around 10 degrees tonight, with heavy rain (5 to 20mm) forecast around 3am.
Spent a short while out in the garden earlier, poisoning a shiny leaf stump which has started to sprout again.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862098 times)