Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5863844 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36475 on: September 12, 2021, 03:35:10 PM »
After hackers shut down Twitter recently, Twitterers were relegated to communicating the old fashioned way, through Facebook!

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36476 on: September 12, 2021, 03:40:31 PM »
A middle class couple wanted to takeout their leftover food in a restaurant
The food served in this restaurant was so good that they kept coming back to dine there, and finished every dish they ordered.

One day they weren't able to finish one, but it was so good that they didn't want to waste it. They wanted to have the restaurant package up their leftover for takeout, but they felt shy because the leftover was not that much, it was just half a plate, and they didn't want to look desperate.

They had the bright idea of pretending its for their dog, so they said to the waiter, "Hi, can we take this out?
It's for our dog."

The waiter happily agreed, and left with the plate.


A few minutes later he was back, smiling.

"Hi, here's your takeout for your dog. We also mixed some more leftovers from other customers for him."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36477 on: September 12, 2021, 03:43:28 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36478 on: September 12, 2021, 03:44:31 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36479 on: September 12, 2021, 03:47:11 PM »
Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 90s
One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but the husband looks a little bit annoyed.

In the afternoon, they go back to God and ask where they can get high factor sunscreen. "This is heaven, you don't need it anymore, the sun can't burn you or give you cancer, enjoy the beaches." The wife is satisfied, but the husband starts looking genuinely angry.

Later in the evening, they go to God and ask where they can find a health food restaurant for dinner. "We don't have health food restaurants, you can eat as much as you want of whatever you want and never feel bloated or gain any weight."

Finally the husband snaps, and yells at his wife "You see?! You see?!
If it wasn't for your bloody bran muffins, I could've been here twenty years ago!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36480 on: September 12, 2021, 03:50:04 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36481 on: September 12, 2021, 04:16:01 PM »
Always take TWO Baptist friends fishing.

If you take only one, he'll drink all your beer.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36482 on: September 12, 2021, 05:16:41 PM »
5.15pm Portland. 7.8 degrees, feels like 3.6, and 7.5mm of rain since 9am today. Still very light misty rain falling.
Had the heater on since 2pm this afternoon.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36483 on: September 12, 2021, 05:21:18 PM »
American Political Party Decoder:

Democrat: Peace. Love. Butterflies.
Republican: Money. God. Money.
Libertarian: Too much of a miser to be a democrat, not racist enough to be a republican.
Green: Like a democrat, but smokes more pot.
Independent: Too dumb to figure out what side they belong on.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36484 on: September 12, 2021, 05:26:54 PM »
When you see the mega-million deals that are paid to some sportsmen, and then compare it to the salary paid to world leaders, it lends truth to how valueless politicians are.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36485 on: September 12, 2021, 06:10:04 PM »
It was Saturday morning and John, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season.
He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Mary, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
John asks her, "What are you up to?"
Mary smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
John, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. John sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Mary couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, John starts running back. As John gets closer to her stand, he hears Mary screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, John races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, John is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
 The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it first!"'

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36486 on: September 12, 2021, 06:31:06 PM »
Appears to be .. ummm... some sort of itchy twitch?

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36487 on: September 12, 2021, 06:54:16 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36488 on: September 12, 2021, 06:54:52 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36489 on: September 12, 2021, 06:55:43 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36490 on: September 12, 2021, 08:34:27 PM »
An obese man didn't know he was overweight, because he kinda just snacked up on it!

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36491 on: September 12, 2021, 08:35:55 PM »
My girlfriend wants to break up with me.
She says it's because I keep making jokes about her getting fat.
So I said ''That's not true. I would never try to have fun at your expanse"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36492 on: September 12, 2021, 08:44:07 PM »
If Trump is re-elected in 2024, he might finally get what he wants the most,

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36493 on: September 12, 2021, 08:49:24 PM »
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36494 on: September 12, 2021, 08:54:02 PM »
Why did the chicken cross the road?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36495 on: September 13, 2021, 12:50:42 AM »
Portland 12.45am. 9 degrees, feels like 2.6.  So much for spring weather.

WHERE'S THE GLOBAL WARMING???    I'm freezing my butt off!
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36496 on: September 13, 2021, 12:55:23 AM »
Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."

Jon: "Really?"

Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36497 on: September 13, 2021, 12:59:29 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36498 on: September 13, 2021, 03:09:06 AM »
"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers, and moving their jobs to India.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #36499 on: September 13, 2021, 03:10:21 AM »
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," Little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

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