Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 4158667 times)

Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30400 on: May 06, 2021, 07:16:59 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30401 on: May 06, 2021, 07:22:05 AM »
This one tickled my funnybone. Fast and furious, 3 seconds duration.

https://youtu.be/169g3EQwWVo
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30402 on: May 06, 2021, 07:29:39 AM »
Sorta sums up Trumps Facebook account...

« Last Edit: May 06, 2021, 07:52:34 AM by Kev Murphy »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30403 on: May 06, 2021, 07:31:47 AM »
Donald is still banned from FaceBook, and he is furious!

Aww, diddums!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30404 on: May 06, 2021, 07:40:07 AM »
Instant family?

A woman in Morocco gave birth to nonuplets, caesarean birth at 30 weeks. All 9 are doing well.

Doctors thought there were only (only??) seven, as two didn't show on ultrasound.

A miracle the father didn't have a heart attack.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30405 on: May 06, 2021, 10:32:14 AM »
I hate redundancy

Unnecessary repetition really gets on my nerves
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30406 on: May 06, 2021, 10:36:53 AM »
After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China
His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination.
Upon arrival at the clinic he was shown into a simple room with white walls and ceiling.
He put on the hospital gown and waited for the surgeon.

After some time he began to hear screaming. Blood curdling screaming, but he stayed put.
Finally the door opened and in walked a little doctor followed by a nurse.

The surgeon motioned for Saul to sit and began to pick individual eyes from the bloodied container the nurse carried. One by one he carefully held them up in front of Saul's eyes and muttered.

"Too big", the nurse translated, "too small, too round, too damaged". This continued as he tried every eye.

With a frustrated gesture he then marched out of the room with the nurse in tow.

Some time passed and after more blood curdling screams he returned with a fresh container.
The routine continued with more frustration and more repetitions of "too long, too small..".

This second visit turned into three and four then five. Finally the surgeon slapped his knee and stared at the nurse. "Wan!", he announced " Wan!".

5 minutes pass with more screams and he returns this time with just two eyes.
"Ah!" he announces as he holds them to Saul's face with a grin.

Two injections and an unknown time later, Saul awakens and the first thing he sees, clearly, was the smiling nurse.

"It was a success?" he asks nervously.

"Of course", she replies, "Wan's eyes fits Saul".
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30407 on: May 06, 2021, 10:40:15 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30408 on: May 06, 2021, 10:40:55 AM »
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30409 on: May 06, 2021, 10:42:07 AM »
My local furniture store has some really weird policies
I Said one of the doors looked cheap and the salesman was all like:

"Don't knock it, till you've tried It"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30410 on: May 06, 2021, 10:51:42 AM »
It is really sad what is happening to the local businesses around our town.

The bra manufacturer has gone bust;
the submersibles specialist has gone under;
the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation;
a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers;
the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded;
the Heinz factory has been canned - they couldn't ketchup with orders;
the tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road;
the bread company has run out of dough;
the Swiss clock manufacturer has had to wind down and the owner has gone cuckoo;
the Chinese fast food outlet has been taken away;
the shoe shop owner has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot;
the TV aerial fitting company has gone into receivership;
and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30411 on: May 06, 2021, 10:59:34 AM »
The Middle Ages were also referred to as the 'Dark' Ages because there were far too many *knights*
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30412 on: May 06, 2021, 11:00:39 AM »
You can spend all day thinking of names for manoeuvrable armoured warships...

.. but at some point you just have to say ‘frigate’ and move on.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30413 on: May 06, 2021, 11:15:13 AM »
A woman goes to her doctor to discuss the pros and cons of a breast augmentation. The doctor is not a huge fan of plastic surgery, favoring a more holistic approach. He tells the woman there are a series of exercises she could try first, in order to firm up and enlarge her breasts.

The woman is leery, but she hears him out.

"What you're going to do," says the doctor "is thrice, daily, preform ten repetitions of the following." He then proceeds to put his hands under his armpits, making a sort of bird-wing-flapping motion, saying "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, I want my boobs to grow."

"You're pulling my leg," says the woman.

"No it really works for 9 out of 10 women," responds the doctor. "You should grow at least a cup size in two to three months."

Again, the woman is suspicious, but she decides to give it a try. At least for two months.

After only two weeks, doing ten repetitions, three times per day, the woman discovers that her breasts really do feel firmer and her bra seems a bit tighter. Needless to say, she decides to stay the course.

On a particularly hectic day, she is on the subway to meet a client for lunch, when she realizes that she has forgotten her midday routine. She's so dedicated and invested at this point, that she just stands up on the subway, does her thing, and sits back down, hoping nobody thinks it was too absurd.

A man on the other end of the car takes notice and walks over to her.

"Excuse me," he says "Are you one of  Dr. Kaufmans patients?"

"Why yes!" she responds, "How did you know?"

The man proceeds to perform synchronized pelvic thrusts, while chanting "Hickory, dickory, dock!..."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30414 on: May 06, 2021, 11:22:36 AM »
A Blonde went to the beach, dived into the water and almost drowned.

Now she swears that she'll never go near water again, until she's learned how to swim.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30415 on: May 06, 2021, 11:31:43 AM »
Inspiration from a tv commercial a few minutes ago ...

Workers noticed a bad smell from a food storage facility.

They are now searching for ... 'What's off in the Warehouse'
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30416 on: May 06, 2021, 11:41:40 AM »
A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship.
The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation, which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her over the handlebars.
The woman said "No no! we have to stop..."

"Why?" asked the knight

The woman replied..."Because I'm on my Minstrel cycle..."
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30417 on: May 06, 2021, 11:47:25 AM »
My grandfather was in the air force in the Second World War, surviving over 30 combat missions in hostile airspace.
He was by far the worst pilot of the entire Kamikaze corps.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30418 on: May 06, 2021, 11:52:18 AM »
I can't believe some people!

Girls remove polish with chemicals every day, but one guy does it, and we apparently had to start a second world war to stop him!
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30419 on: May 06, 2021, 12:02:23 PM »
A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris
The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask because he might embarrass the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to the bathroom and the waiter approaches the woman.

"Is everything alright?" He asks. The woman tells him that her husband lost his arm in the second world war when he was fighting in Paris. The waiter tells his manager they've got a proper veteran in their restaurant, and the manager doesn't think twice. "Everyone that fought for our freedom eats for free!"

The waiter brings them the good news, and the couple is much delighted. After dinner the manager and the waiter escort the couple to the door.
The manager is holding the door open for the veteran.
The veteran looks at the manager and says "Vielen dank für die guten abend"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30420 on: May 06, 2021, 01:28:55 PM »
Asian lady said to doctor "I have many pain when I crap!"

He told her to get undressed.

She said "Why I get undress for you rook at hands???"
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30421 on: May 06, 2021, 01:36:21 PM »
My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.

I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one.
I answered Duplicate.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30422 on: May 06, 2021, 01:38:30 PM »
A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.
He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his vodka and drinks it all at once as well.

To answer that, the American orders a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all in one shot.

The Ukrainian asks for a bottle of vodka and also drinks it all at once.

The American then, to show how strong he was, took his bottle of whiskey and broke it on his head.

The Ukrainian took a bottle of vodka and broke it on his head as well.

The American then got upset because he did not know how to show he was better than the Ukrainian. And then he remembered. He gets up, stands next to the Ukrainian, he unzips his pants, takes out his 25 cm long penis and says this is Bill.

The Ukrainian starts laughing, stands up, unzips his pants and takes out two 30 cm penises and says this is Chernobyl.
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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30423 on: May 06, 2021, 01:44:17 PM »
WTF ???

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Online Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #30424 on: May 06, 2021, 03:28:51 PM »


- Give the boys a call!
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