Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5865733 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35002 on:** August 05, 2021, 06:56:53 PM »

My son complains about headaches.

I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35003 on:** August 05, 2021, 07:31:37 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35004 on:** August 05, 2021, 07:44:55 PM »

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.
We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats.
Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them.
We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors.
Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.
I really don't think we need that many lifeboats.
We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats.
The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship.
Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35005 on:** August 05, 2021, 10:12:17 PM »

Having a very good run... 4 days and $62.60 earned for surveys, and another $70 transferred into the bank this afternoon. TY to PureProfile surveys.

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #35006 on:** August 05, 2021, 10:37:54 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35007 on:** August 05, 2021, 10:39:54 PM »

TO encourage the kids to wash their hands, the principal put a sign over the hand basins in the toilets that said THINK!

The next day someone had written next to it: THOAP..

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35008 on:** August 05, 2021, 11:02:45 PM »

Noah was fishing one day off the side of the Ark.

Suddenly he looked around and yelled out, "Can someone bring me the *other* worm?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35009 on:** August 05, 2021, 11:25:09 PM »

Life is like a toilet paper.

You're either on a roll, or taking crap from someone

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35010 on:** August 05, 2021, 11:37:06 PM »

Brunette: "Where were you born?"

Blonde: "The United States."

Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "All of me!"

Brock · « **Reply #35011 on:** August 06, 2021, 12:48:00 AM »

Quote

Noah was fishing one day off the side of the Ark.

Suddenly he looked around and yelled out, "Can someone bring me the *other* worm?"

Why was he fishing, didnt he have 2 of every species already on board?????

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35012 on:** August 06, 2021, 02:44:50 AM »

My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?"
I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."
He laughed, "What, a miracle?!"
I mumbled, "No, ... Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35013 on:** August 06, 2021, 03:18:06 AM »

My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.

He seemed really upset when I congratulated him?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35014 on:** August 06, 2021, 08:26:46 AM »

I have a friend who is 2 days younger than me.

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “When I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35015 on:** August 06, 2021, 08:44:18 AM »

I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse.
He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a forklift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35016 on:** August 06, 2021, 09:24:07 AM »

I want to hang a map of the world in my home, and then I'll put pins into all the locations that I have already travelled to.

But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35017 on:** August 06, 2021, 11:41:07 AM »

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.
When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out."
I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy. Why would that make you distrust doctors?"
He said, "Well, I wanted a second opinion, so I went to another doctor and wouldn't you know it, he told me I had the exact opposite problem! That proves that you can't trust 'em, they're just making wild stabs in the dark."
"So what did the second doctor tell you the problem was?" "He said that one of my legs was *longer* than the other!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35018 on:** August 06, 2021, 11:42:56 AM »

What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs?

The Indian nap-less 500.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35019 on:** August 06, 2021, 11:59:35 AM »

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81 ?

But he said no.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35020 on:** August 06, 2021, 12:01:57 PM »

I hired a Butler who is missing his left arm.

Serves me right.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35021 on:** August 06, 2021, 12:03:57 PM »

Cannibals can't have friends, because they aren't allowed to play with their food.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35022 on:** August 06, 2021, 12:28:45 PM »

My friend tries hard to be politically correct.

Talk about the pot calling the kettle African America

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35023 on:** August 06, 2021, 12:30:39 PM »

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35024 on:** August 06, 2021, 12:32:39 PM »

I asked my Kiwi friend how many sexual partners he had.

He started to count but he fell asleep.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5865733 times)