Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5864774 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35251 on:** August 12, 2021, 01:29:19 PM »

I thought of a way to turn a dishwasher into a snow removal device to keep my driveway clear.

I bought my wife a snow shovel.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35252 on:** August 12, 2021, 01:33:25 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35253 on:** August 12, 2021, 01:37:26 PM »

A guy stole a calendar from the Newsagent.

He got 12 months.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35254 on:** August 12, 2021, 01:46:09 PM »

A Chemist has discovered a treatment for kleptomania.

He's got a pilfer that.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35255 on:** August 12, 2021, 01:48:08 PM »

Locked in!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35256 on:** August 12, 2021, 02:43:33 PM »

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

And the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35257 on:** August 12, 2021, 02:45:36 PM »

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they creep into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go!"

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were.
One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."

The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35258 on:** August 12, 2021, 03:39:13 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35259 on:** August 12, 2021, 03:41:49 PM »

People dating are like Bluetooth devices
They're supposed to pair up and connect but it hardly ever works

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35260 on:** August 12, 2021, 03:44:02 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35261 on:** August 12, 2021, 03:48:53 PM »

I got fined $40 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theatre.

It's ok though, it was still cheaper than the concession stand.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35262 on:** August 12, 2021, 03:56:40 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35263 on:** August 12, 2021, 03:59:07 PM »

They finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter.

Yeah, it fits right into her mouth.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35264 on:** August 12, 2021, 04:06:16 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35265 on:** August 12, 2021, 05:45:16 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35266 on:** August 12, 2021, 06:46:32 PM »

A man goes to work one day with a VERY noticeable scar on his forehead
One of his coworkers was quick to ask what happened.

"Well" The man replied. "It started this morning".

"It was about 6 or 7 am, I got up fast because I thought I was going to be late, and I banged my head on the side of the bedside table, then I stumbled over to the closet and accidentally slammed into the door"

"And that's how you were scarred?" His coworker asked.

"No, let me continue"

"So I went downstairs, had breakfast, and went out, then some crazy kid threw a rock at my car causing an accident!"

"And that's how it happened?" His coworker asked.

"No, let me continue"

"So I was in massive pain from the rock and then I got back in my car, but I was careless and hit a fire hydrant"

"Ok, that was definitely it, right?" His coworker asked.

"Hold on, I forgot what we were talking about" He replied

"How you got that scar on your forehead"

"Oh, that? I got it when I hit my head on the bedside table"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35267 on:** August 12, 2021, 06:49:48 PM »

Haven't got my bike back yet, maybe tomorrow. Will ring them tomorrow morning for details.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35268 on:** August 12, 2021, 06:55:42 PM »

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy.
He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!"

A sudden silence descends. After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!"
Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #35269 on:** August 12, 2021, 07:19:22 PM »

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 12, 2021, 06:49:48 PM

Haven't got my bike back yet, maybe tomorrow. Will ring them tomorrow morning for details.

Hope it's nothing serious, Kev!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35270 on:** August 12, 2021, 07:38:40 PM »

Modern problems need modern solutions...

ruSTynutz · « **Reply #35271 on:** August 12, 2021, 08:23:18 PM »

Must try that, there's a few people I'd like to slap!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35272 on:** August 12, 2021, 09:04:28 PM »

Johnny was in his high school Economics class one day
The teacher asked: "Can anyone give an example of a business failure due to careless management?"

Johnny replied: "A Prostitute who got pregnant."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35273 on:** August 12, 2021, 09:25:35 PM »

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.
He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen!"
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35274 on:** August 12, 2021, 09:27:34 PM »

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5864774 times)