Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862441 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35650 on:** August 20, 2021, 12:48:13 PM »

My girlfriend and I are now in a long distance relationship.

I still see her all the time, I’m just not legally permitted to be within 300 metres of her.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35651 on:** August 20, 2021, 01:00:56 PM »

My wife and I had a pillow fight.

The stupid police arrested me, saying the term is called ‘smothering’

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35652 on:** August 20, 2021, 01:04:46 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35653 on:** August 20, 2021, 01:55:07 PM »

Someone should create a Trump parody Twitter account...

That only retweets all the stuff he actually posts, in case anyone missed it first time round.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35654 on:** August 20, 2021, 01:58:22 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35655 on:** August 20, 2021, 02:44:11 PM »

Some dork rang me about 'Cheap data for your phone' and then asked how much data allowance I presently have.

He was very confused when I told him "Nada, zero, zilch, none."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35656 on:** August 20, 2021, 04:15:52 PM »

One day, a shopkeeper put his dumb son in charge of his shop as he had to go out of town .
A customer comes in and asks, "Can I get a Tropicana Orange juice?"

The son searches in the shop for sometime, sways his head and says, "No, we don't have a Tropicana Orange juice."

That night, when the son tells this to his father, he angrily says, "Fool! We had minute maid Orange juice. You should have asked him if he would take it instead of Tropicana."

The shopkeeper puts his son in charge the next day as he had to go out of town once again. Before leaving, he reminds his son of what he had told him the night before.

A lady comes in and asks, "May I have some toilet paper?"

The son searches here and there ,looks up and says, "Sorry, we have run out of toilet paper. However, would you take sandpaper instead?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35657 on:** August 20, 2021, 05:26:56 PM »

Teacher: "Name seven wild African animals!"

Pupil: "Four elephants, two lions and a zebra!"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35658 on:** August 20, 2021, 05:47:04 PM »

I would never buy a Tesla, they have the stench of Musk ...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35659 on:** August 20, 2021, 09:21:31 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35660 on:** August 20, 2021, 09:22:11 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35661 on:** August 20, 2021, 09:22:46 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35662 on:** August 20, 2021, 09:39:43 PM »

Doctor to Patient "Do you smoke?"

Patient: "Yes"

Doctor: "Marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?"

Patient: "Mostly brisket and pork, sometimes salmon."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35663 on:** August 20, 2021, 09:42:38 PM »

Click pic to enlarge

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35664 on:** August 20, 2021, 09:44:03 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35665 on:** August 21, 2021, 12:57:27 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35666 on:** August 21, 2021, 02:04:29 AM »

OK, my cats are fed, and I'm off to bed. Stay safe.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35667 on:** August 21, 2021, 05:33:26 AM »

The farmer made his cows social distance, due to COVID.

The cows went on a protest march around the barn, carrying protest signs which read:

'We just want to be herd'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35668 on:** August 21, 2021, 10:51:48 AM »

When I was traveling in Japan, I asked a shopkeeper, "This apple is from Fukushima, isn't it?"

"Why do you ask that?" Said the owner.

"Yeah, why do you ask that?" Said the apple.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35669 on:** August 21, 2021, 10:57:01 AM »

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

All were invented by women.

Some women will do anything to get out of the kitchen.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35670 on:** August 21, 2021, 11:00:39 AM »

Spamdrews morning rant...

"There will be less lockdowns rather than more... Oh! By the way, regional Victoria is now in total lockdown again."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35671 on:** August 21, 2021, 11:15:45 AM »

Long distance relationships are hard...

I haven’t seen my girlfriend for 6 weeks, and even worse, I haven’t had sex for almost two weeks...

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35672 on:** August 21, 2021, 11:34:18 AM »

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.
Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I used risk instead."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35673 on:** August 21, 2021, 11:53:03 AM »

I was having a smoke outside.

A woman walking past said to me: "If you never smoked, you could have had a Ferrari by now."

Me: "Where's yours?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35674 on:** August 21, 2021, 02:04:43 PM »

I'm in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend. She's from another nation.

My imagi-nation.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862441 times)