Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5864569 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35276 on:** August 12, 2021, 10:13:59 PM »

Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand.
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35277 on:** August 12, 2021, 11:50:34 PM »

Urky weather forecast here for the next week, with 1 to 5 mm of showers forecast daily until next Thursday.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35278 on:** August 12, 2021, 11:50:48 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35279 on:** August 12, 2021, 11:51:16 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35280 on:** August 13, 2021, 12:18:48 AM »

Top Reason People Are Sad and Lonely Online

Chat-room sweetheart Crystal from Los Angeles, is really Fred from Detroit.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35281 on:** August 13, 2021, 12:21:58 AM »

According to Apple, the main cause of iPhones overheating is from downloading images of Kim Kardashian's ass!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35282 on:** August 13, 2021, 12:24:21 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35283 on:** August 13, 2021, 12:37:41 AM »

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35284 on:** August 13, 2021, 01:16:55 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35285 on:** August 13, 2021, 02:02:54 AM »

The cats allowed me to have a 45 minute sleep before rousing me for their 2 am feed

Now I get the chance to snooze until daybreak.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35286 on:** August 13, 2021, 07:21:55 AM »

Johnny was in his high Economics class one day
The teacher asked: "Can anyone give an example of a business failure due to careless management?"

Johnny replied: "A Prostitute getting pregnant."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35287 on:** August 13, 2021, 07:23:49 AM »

My wife and I have been married a long time. And like many long-term marriages, ours had lost its spark. But lately things had gotten really bad. I don't know what started it - a minor insult, a careless remark, years of buried frustrations, the general malaise that creeps into a marriage when priority is given to kids and careers. Whatever it was, things were bad. We had not made love in months, nor gone on a date. We barely talked anymore. I was desperate but didn't know what to say or what to do. I was afraid we were near the end.

So yesterday when she got home from work, I asked her to join me on the sofa.

"You know how we always said that we were not just husband and wife, but we're best friends?"

"Yes."

"And how we said that the best friends part of us should always be able to talk, even if the husband and wife part of us were struggling?"

"Yes."

I could see her face soften a bit.

"Well, I just really need to talk to my best friend right now."

Her lip quivered a bit and she drew a deep breath. "Okay, let's talk."

I sighed. "Thanks... My wife is being SUCH a bitch these days."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35288 on:** August 13, 2021, 07:27:40 AM »

A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.
When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.

One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I hadn't been looking after it?"
The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35289 on:** August 13, 2021, 07:51:33 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35290 on:** August 13, 2021, 07:52:34 AM »

I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but the lifeguard saw me.

He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35291 on:** August 13, 2021, 07:53:02 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35292 on:** August 13, 2021, 07:54:24 AM »

Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

Yep, two birds with one drone!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35293 on:** August 13, 2021, 07:54:51 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35294 on:** August 13, 2021, 07:56:23 AM »

I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope that no one asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35295 on:** August 13, 2021, 07:58:22 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35296 on:** August 13, 2021, 08:02:42 AM »

11 million Australian people in lockdown.

Welcome to Friday the 13th.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35297 on:** August 13, 2021, 10:55:15 AM »

A man was arrested after running a red light and hitting a Chinese food delivery car.

He is charged with careless driving and wonton destruction.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35298 on:** August 13, 2021, 11:30:18 AM »

How is it that one careless spark can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35299 on:** August 13, 2021, 11:31:35 AM »

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5864569 times)