Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)  (Read 5863136 times)

Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35550 on: August 19, 2021, 09:17:39 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35551 on: August 19, 2021, 09:18:46 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35552 on: August 19, 2021, 09:28:39 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35553 on: August 19, 2021, 09:31:58 AM »
One morning, Tiger Woods goes to his usual golf course to play a morning round of 18 and notices a black bear approaching him from the woods off the first tee. Alarmed, Tiger starts to retreat when the bear casually asks Tiger what he's doing. Having never spoken to a black bear before, Tiger was a little hesitant at first but upon realizing that the bear was not a threat he tries his best to explain the game of golf to this black bear. After learning that it is a game played competitively, the bear asks to be shown how to play and wants to place a friendly wager that he could beat Tiger. Confident in his abilities to beat a rookie golfer, let alone a black bear, Tiger agrees to a one hole playoff over a piece of Fruit Stripe gum. Tiger goes first and snacks a line drive straight down the middle of the fairway. The black bear then grabs a club but as he approaches the tee box he freezes, turns to Tiger and asks, "What do I do now?" Wanting to be fair, Tiger points to a tree off in the distance saying "See that tree over there, hit the ball just to the left of that on the short green grass." The bear then tees off and hits an incredibly accurate shot, landing within 5 yards of the area Tiger had told him to aim. When the bear goes to hit his second shot, he again asks what to do, to which Tiger responds by pointing to a pond separating the fairway from the green and tells the bear to land it just short of the water. Miraculously the black bear does the impossible a second time. Astonished, but still focused on winning the wager, Tiger hits an equally exceptional shot to land just ahead of the black bears second shot. Once more, the bear has to ask what the next step of the game is to which Tiger replies, "Ahh yes, you see the flag on the green over there? The object of the game is to get the ball into that small cup in the fewest number of shots."
The black bear, furious at this point, replies, "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT ON THE FIRST STROKE!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35554 on: August 19, 2021, 11:13:10 AM »
We were driving along the highway and my wife said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right.”
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35555 on: August 19, 2021, 11:14:35 AM »
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike.

She donates money to the homeless, I donate money to the topless!

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35556 on: August 19, 2021, 11:16:25 AM »
One night I came home from work. I figured, let my wife start.
I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move.

She moved to Brisbane.

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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35557 on: August 19, 2021, 11:26:58 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35558 on: August 19, 2021, 11:32:14 AM »
Poor Prince Phillip...

99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35559 on: August 19, 2021, 11:39:38 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35560 on: August 19, 2021, 11:41:18 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35561 on: August 19, 2021, 11:58:22 AM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35562 on: August 19, 2021, 12:00:09 PM »
Yesterday, a man comes into a store, buys a newspaper
He looks at the headline and throws it in the trash.

Today, same deal. Buys newspaper, throws it away. The man behind the counter asks for the reason.

"I'm looking for a death notice"

"Shouldn't you be looking in the obituaries, then?"

"The one I'm looking for will make the headlines, trust me!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35563 on: August 19, 2021, 12:00:53 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35564 on: August 19, 2021, 12:02:22 PM »
Paul is six feet tall, he is an assistant at a butcher shop, and wears size 11 shoes. What does he weigh?


Meat.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35565 on: August 19, 2021, 12:03:36 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35566 on: August 19, 2021, 12:36:41 PM »
This guy goes to a barber shop......
Half way through his haircut the barber suddenly walks to a corner in the shop, unzips his fly and takes a leak on the floor. He then nonchalantly returns and continues with the haircut.
After a few awkward minutes, the customer couldn't help but ask the barber why he took a leak on the shop's floor?
The barber said "What do I care, I lost my lease and I'm leaving at the end of the month".
The customer said "Oh" and left it at that.

When the haircut was finished and the barber paid, the customer went to another corner of the shop, dropped his pants and took a big dump on the floor.

The barber, horrified at the sight screamed "why did you do that?"
The customer replied calmly "What do I care, I'm leaving now".
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35567 on: August 19, 2021, 12:39:09 PM »
 I’ve had amnesia now for as long as I can remember....
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35568 on: August 19, 2021, 01:04:48 PM »
A group of scientists and engineers teamed up to create the best and most responsive set of Brakes and Tires.
That's like stopping a vehicle from 120 km/h to 0 km/s in under 2 seconds...

... now they are working on a stronger windshield.
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35569 on: August 19, 2021, 01:24:09 PM »
An optimist and a pessimist were riding a bus together when the optimist got hungry.
"Let's stop at the next restaurant," said the optimist. "Then we can take the next bus and continue our journey."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said the pessimist. "It could cause something bad to happen."

"Or it could cause something good to happen," replied the optimist, "and besides, I'm hungry!"

So the two of them left the bus and went into the restaurant.

While they were eating, a news report came on the TV.

"A bus was crushed in an avalanche fifteen minutes ago," said the reporter. "Everyone on the bus was killed." The optimist and the pessimist recognized the bus as the one they had gotten off.

"See?" said the optimist. "I told you something good would happen if we got off the bus!"

"Good?" sputtered the pessimist. "If the bus hadn't stopped to let us off, it might have missed the avalanche!"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35570 on: August 19, 2021, 01:36:15 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35571 on: August 19, 2021, 01:55:10 PM »
Some clown just rang trying to sell me smart phone apps. He asked for the make and model of my phone.

When I told him, he hung up.  :rofl

My mobile is 23 years old.  :grin
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Offline Kev Murphy

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  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35572 on: August 19, 2021, 02:03:15 PM »
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Offline Kev Murphy

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  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35573 on: August 19, 2021, 02:04:32 PM »
I noticed a barista working alone in a small shop was still wearing a mask.

She said, "This is a coughy filter"
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Offline Kev Murphy

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  • 98 ST1100 Portland, SW Vic coastal.
Re: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone)
« Reply #35574 on: August 19, 2021, 02:04:57 PM »
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