Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862132 times)

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35725 on:** August 22, 2021, 06:48:05 PM »

"I bought you an engagement ring," I told my girlfriend.
"How much did it cost?" she asked in a flash.

"£300," I told her.

"£300?!" she fumed. "You said you were going to spend a month's wages!"

"I didn't say it was going to be *my* month's wages."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35726 on:** August 22, 2021, 06:49:45 PM »

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35727 on:** August 22, 2021, 06:52:56 PM »

There's one thing that I always wanted to do long before I quit working.

Retire!

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35728 on:** August 22, 2021, 06:54:24 PM »

She got her good looks from her father.

He's a plastic surgeon.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35729 on:** August 22, 2021, 07:21:51 PM »

NTRebel · « **Reply #35730 on:** August 22, 2021, 07:38:19 PM »

Sounds like half the doctors at Alice Springs Hospital.

Quote from: Kev Murphy on August 22, 2021, 06:49:45 PM

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35731 on:** August 22, 2021, 08:56:15 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35732 on:** August 22, 2021, 09:00:46 PM »

On and off showers in past 3 hours have dropped more than 5mm of rain here. Still happening.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35733 on:** August 22, 2021, 09:05:05 PM »

The Amish Space Program is at a stalemate.

Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35734 on:** August 22, 2021, 09:08:38 PM »

Two blondes are spending some time together, the one is watching TV while the other struggles with one particular crossword question for some time now...

After a while she decides to ask her friend for help..
- Do you know the answer to the clue "Female sex organ"?
-- Hmmmm. Horizontally or vertically?
- Horizontally
-- Oh yes! "Mouth"

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35735 on:** August 22, 2021, 09:14:36 PM »

Women should be obscene and not heard

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35736 on:** August 22, 2021, 09:20:26 PM »

Russian mafioso visits Italian mafioso.

They talk about their lifestyles and Italian asks "Hey, do you have newest model of Mercedes?" No, I don't." Admits Russian. "Well, how can you call yourself mafioso if you don't. Russian fumes but doesn't say anything. "And does your house have three storeys?" "No, it does not." "Well, how can you call yourself a mafioso if it doesn't?" Russian fumes some more but still doesn't say anything. "Do you have a gold chain like mine?" Italian keeps teasing. Russian is now so pissed he only shakes his head.

He can't take it anymore and storms out and flies back to Russia. There he assembles his henchmen. "Guys, we have been doing this whole thing wrong, we are not true mafiosi. I went to Italy to see how real mafiosi live and there will be some changes made. One. We are selling all my helicopters and I'm buying the latest Mercedes model instead. Two. We need to knock down top three storeys in this house so it will have only 3 of them. And three. Gather the dogs and take off their golden chains, from now on I'm wearing those."

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35737 on:** August 22, 2021, 09:42:54 PM »

Rain still coming down, 9mm since 6pm. And all this on a day that reached 19 degrees.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35738 on:** August 22, 2021, 10:02:41 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35739 on:** August 22, 2021, 10:05:15 PM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35740 on:** August 23, 2021, 12:28:02 AM »

Congress does some strange things. it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford, for services they don't need.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35741 on:** August 23, 2021, 02:13:31 AM »

Income tax has made more liars out of people than golf.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35742 on:** August 23, 2021, 02:18:24 AM »

A parrot swallowed a viagra tablet and went berserk
He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet, who said that the overheating could damage his brain. He advised him to put the parrot in the freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and shut him in the freezer.

After 10 mins, he slowly opened it only to find the parrot sweating profusely.

The owner asked 'Why are you sweating?'.

The parrot said 'Do you know how hard it is to spread the legs of a frozen chicken?'

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35743 on:** August 23, 2021, 02:23:44 AM »

China has escalated the Far East conflict once again. This morning at 09-00 hours, a Chinese fighter jet opened fire on a Russian tractor that was peacefully ploughing the fields.

Eyewitnesses report the tractor returned fire with anti-air missiles, performed vertical takeoff, and flew off on an unidentified heading.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35744 on:** August 23, 2021, 02:40:54 AM »

I know I’m gonna get hated for saying this, but there are some races that I just don’t like.

For instance, anything with an obstacle in it.
Like if I’m running 200 metres, don’t make me jump over hurdles every 20 metres.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35745 on:** August 23, 2021, 05:40:53 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35746 on:** August 23, 2021, 06:03:21 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35747 on:** August 23, 2021, 06:04:38 AM »

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35748 on:** August 23, 2021, 07:27:17 AM »

When making out your income-tax claim, be sure you don't overlook your most expensive dependent.

- the Government.

Kev Murphy · « **Reply #35749 on:** August 23, 2021, 07:28:51 AM »

We wouldn't mind paying tax, if we could know in advance which country it's going to.

News:

Author Topic: Drugs, Sex, Rock and Roll, mark II. ( content may not suit everyone) (Read 5862132 times)